GC is upset

[Ottile]

Hi everyone

Just a quick update. M taken to hospital unresponsive on 13 Feb. VLC GC bro phoned to tell me this as a "matter of courtesy". I then get a text msg on 14 Feb to say she had passed away a short while after he phoned me. Okay.....I was furious/sad/frightened - the full gamut - foreseeing he was gaslighting me full on, the nominated SG. Pushing buttons.

I thought it best to not contact out of fear - yes, fear. I cannot go through any verbal abuse again. Then found out M cremated on 10 March. I have kept silent counsel.

The wires are now alive with how upset the GC is re M's will, which hasn't been published yet, in that M has left everything that wasn't nailed down to another sibling. Apparently GC bro is furious as there was a lot of expensive jewellery there amongst the tat. There is no question GC and the other two siblings will equally share the cash spoils. The nice - and I do mean there is no ulterior motive - relative who told me this also said the GC bro had been telling everyone he thought I wasn't "interested" in attending the service so no need to tell me, or his niece, not even "out of courtesy" of course. Said relative is stunned to hear I received the death msg by text. There is some truth in that assumption by GC which is between me and my head (and you all) in that I wouldn't have gone anyway as the living and their respective partners have fully embraced my lowly position in the dynamics. 

I still have this longing to contact my bro but having read various posts on here perhaps I am in the mindset of hoping the GC will see my NC of our M did have validation with all her baiting games to divide and conquer, the monies on the hook to reel them in, even if he the GC, wanted me to forgive and forget the terrible abuse we all endured, as was suggested when violent SF was that doddery helpless old man who warranted my forgiveness.

I just want to tell this turn in the story; it doesn't help my struggle to process and deal with my lost childhood and the emotional scars but this shady turn on GC has surprised me somewhat.

Any thoughts very much appreciated. 

[moglow]

All I can do is offer some really heartfelt hugs for you, Ottile. I understand that NC -with PD parent- was something you desperately needed, that your sibs chose to extend that to include themselves is on them. They had choices regardless of their relationship with her, they bought into it [literally it seems]. It's sad to me they didnt seem to see the price they've paid.
It may be that as time passes, they reach out you. They may realize the true damage done and want to put it behind you. Or it may be so deep that there's just no going back.

My prayer is that you find peace, acceptance and understanding that none of this is anyone's "fault" - it's all about choices made in a horribly dysfunctional family system that made no allowances for individuals. We live what we know, and when we learn better we live better - it seems PD parents don't adapt well to that learning process. Like with many of us, there was no foundation for true relationships and it comes across as some sick competition in which no one ever wins.

We're here with you.

[Ottile]

Thank you Moglow. Your response very much appreciated. Despite everything my GC bro was quite important to me and I guess I am thinking some guilt may or may not surface in time. I'm not banking on it but part of me still wants to see 'good' below the surface of the ugliness.

You are so very right re the literal "bought into it"!! I await to see if the other sibling is persuaded/manipulated by the GC to hand over the jewellery for his wife.

Indeed, here we all are for each other, hopefully helping where we can in any small way. The little things can mean a lot when others truly understand.

Hugs to you. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry, Ottile. That sounds like a crappy situation all around. Death brings out all of the stuff. The manipulations, the pushing you out and then making it look like your fault, the jockeying for position, all of it is familiar to me.

Am I right in interpreting that you don't have a dog in this fight regarding the will? If so, would it give you more peace to put yourself in a time out from all of the contenders while they deal with their stuff? As you rightly say, none of this is helping you to heal.

[moglow]

would it give you more peace to put yourself in a time out from all of the contenders while they deal with their stuff? As you rightly say, none of this is helping you to heal.

Sometimes, no matter how good the original intentions, having these updates causes more angst than necessary. Brother's upset? Okay - and what were you to do about that exactly? Knowing is all well and good but when it hurts you, maybe best to not. Like 'Delia said, deaths bring out all the stuff and too much in our situations are just not pretty. It takes a bit to sort through it and everyone does that in their own time.


Remember too, we're drawn to what we know whether consciously or not. GC wife may be somewhat like mom, if you get me, and possibly he's caught between a rock and a hard place. It happens.

[Ottile]

Thank you Cordelia and Moglow. I am keeping silent counsel for the moment until the will is published and see this for myself if I do have a dog in the hunt.

I still intend to keep well back and see what crawls out of the woodwork. I guess I can say I am still hurting but it has abated - perhaps to some small clarity. I am doing and intend to do nothing about my brother being upset.....quiet counsel here. Should it be the siblings are fighting amongst themselves I won't go into the fray.

I am a little cynical whether the GC is feeding a line to see if I'll take the bait and go nuclear re the cremation and his upset. Ain't going to happen yet or maybe not at all.

Do not get me started on GC's wife. My brother shared confidences with me about her just before the pandemic. She has her own family issues and controls my bro to the point of stalking him even at his workplace. She's always been surly and her misguided jealousies control her thoughts. Not my problem - wide berth.

I have a long way to go but, you know, I feel just slightly more confident being here and being listened to rather than walking my lonely internal path.