I fully expected no inheritance.

[Srcyu]

No contact with my bpd mother went on for over twenty years. Sadly, my enabling father had died many years prior.
I fully acknowledge that without his presence mother and I quickly ripped ourselves apart from each other. If he had lived, he would not have allowed it to happen.
We disliked each other immensely,  mother and I.
I felt no respect or love for her. The reflection of what she felt for me.

Yet despite all that - I received a fair share of the inheritance. WHY.

I suspect I know. Based on her attitude of only ever listening to EF I believe she did it to appease her conscience. She failed my father by not holding the family together. Despite his shortfalls he did still care very much about that.
By extending the inheritance to me, she was choosing the only channel left to her for giving the impression of unity.
I accepted it because in reality it was his money, not hers.

[Rose1]

Good for you, I'm sure it will be useful.
Maybe the great "what will people think" came into it?  Exbpd in-laws were always viewing decisions in that light.
Who knows. Maybe guilt too. In any case she did the right thing in the end and that must make things easier for you. As much as I would expect my upd m to play inheritance games since she has, I think it would still come as a nasty rejection and would smart a bit.

[Srcyu]

You are spot on there Rose1. 'What will people think' would definitely have played a part.

[overitall]

Windmill,

Great for you!!!  It's difficult to ever understand how they think/rationalize their decisions...   As our aging uPD parents get older, they must have a lot of time to reflect, don't you think?  Whatever her reasoning, enjoy your inheritance!!! 

[NarcKiddo]

Who knows what motivations they may have? At any rate I am glad you have accepted the inheritance and I hope you enjoy spending it.

[Srcyu]

Thanks overitall,
I do know that she tried one final attempt at manipulation to draw me back in which failed. It was reassuring to know that she hadn't changed really.
Ofcourse, what I didn't get was any photos or sentimental items. That is where the real acceptance had to step in.

[Srcyu]

That's a very refreshing view NarcKiddo!

[Leonor]

Hi Windmill,

PDs get all tangled up in money. Their motives, their way of experiencing the world, is dented and damaged from their illness, so it's likely that your mom had some tangled and dented motivation in leaving you money, too.

You don't have to take that on. You don't have to tell yourself a story about it that in some way will make you more "compassionate" or "noble" for accepting or rejecting the money: she wanted to look like this, she wanted me to feel that ...

The story can be, "In her own limited way, she did love me and this was the only way she knew how to show it." Or, "the universe has put this money in my pocket, and my mother was simply the vehicle."

Or you could be like the heroine of a Jane Austen novel. Some distant relative passed away, and you came into an income of several thousand pounds, and now can go to fancy-dress balls or take a Grand Tour of the world, or something 

It's just as healing, I think, to have and accept an unexpected pleasant experience as much as we have and try to accept our unexpected unpleasant experiences.

[Srcyu]

Thank you Leonor for your very thoughtful reply.
Your reference to a Jane Austen novel made me smile.

Bpd mother  referred to me as being a burden once and compared me unfavourably to my siblings from being a very young child, so I'm pretty sure that no love came into it. Her actions are my focus mainly.  The inheritance actually caused grief for my father to resurface. This in turn numbed any emotions for me concerning her demise.

Further down the line I can silently thank my dad for paying for  work that needed doing on the house.
And still ....... I feel nothing for her. She was the 'vehicle' you are quite right.

[Pepin]

I accepted it because in reality it was his money, not hers.

While it has not happened yet, this is how I feel about NF.  In reality, the money my father has was not his - but my mother's.  Growing up, we coasted off of her investments as needed and the small salary my father earned.  In fact, I would dare say that due to the earnings of her investments, my father lacked the drive to strive for growth during his employable years as he did not ask for a raise.  At his retirement he suddenly had an eye opening moment and realized that for many years he had been underpaid compared to his colleagues.  And I have no idea at what percentage he received any pay raises but am assuming that they were on the low end because my father never challenged them.

I was thinking how sad it is that PDs like this think they are doing good by saving the money until their death - like it absolves them of their prior bad behavior - almost shifting themselves into some saint like role.  As a parent myself, my mission is to give as much as I can to my kids while I am alive so I can see their enjoyment.  I'm not going to hoard everything until the end.  Whatever my kids wants that is within my means, by all means, ask me for help if you need it.  Want a piece of furniture or something else from the house, ask me!  Sheesh.....it is possible that when NF finally dies that I may inherit and that means unloading his home and all the contents -- in reality, I have no room for anything of his (my mother's) nor would I replace anything I have with what was his.  I am too far along in my life and the comfort of my own home to take a single thing, therefore any objects would have to be liquidated for cash instead.  As for any monetary inheritance, yeah, I'm going to take it and just keep making my life better.  It was never his to begin with.  And I know if my mother were alive, she would never have tolerated his bad and lazy behavior.   

[Srcyu]

You totally get it Pepin. I do think she was aiming to absolve herself. She was very religious and trying to clear the decks like that would make sense.
It's funny you should mention furniture. I asked her once for an item, we were moving into a house after living in an apartment with our second baby on the way. She was downsizing. She made me pay for it.

I love your attitude of definitely accepting any future inheritance.