need a kick in the butt

[losingmyself]

I have been putting it off. I guess I need a kick in the butt?
I am scared of so many things, but there's so much more to it than that. Procrastination, like in a therapy-needed deep down panic-inducing way. I have been like this for a couple years, paperwork doesn't get done because it actually causes me stress to even think about it. I mean, I pay the bills that I can, but I need to do so much more, and I can't even make myself. I sit and do nothing for most of my evenings when I should be at my desk.
So I sit in the comfort of my shitty situation and dream of the day, but don't do anything about it. Then I feel bad because I brought people into this situation, but then I don't do anything. I can come up with excuses like nobody's business, though. I am so busy at work, it's almost Christmas, it's too cold outside for him to have to move things, we have too much stuff, I'm kind of scared to be in the house alone (too many you-tube videos!) Am I doing it because I feel pressure to make other people happy, and that's exactly the kind of co-dependent habit I'm trying to break?
So, I need some words of encouragement, and help. I know exactly where I can get it. From my heroes here at Out of the FOG.

[Andeza]

Ultimately, like with all other things in life it seems (I'm looking at myself here too, don't feel bad), you have to be sick and tired enough to have your "I'VE HAD IT!!" moment. You can decide that the time is now. You can accept that you'll bungle some things, you may not have 100% success, and so on. But you will have some success. And at the end.... freedom. Peace. Your dignity and sense of self-worth returned with time and healing. Remember, only you can judge your level of success and nobody is, at least nobody should be, standing over your shoulder grading your progress and efforts.

I *can* guarantee it won't be easy. It's extremely common in society at the moment that people operate under the mentality of "If I don't try I can't fail..." They don't do this consciously, they just don't ever start the process necessary to move forward in x,y,z. But they also can't succeed if they never start the journey. (I've done this too)

Whatever you decide to do, there'll be people here that will walk with you. It's possible that your first step lies in working through the procrastination (with a therapist perhaps) to uncover the original fear. Or perhaps it's just time to take a deep breath, go sit down at that desk, and see what gets done. Either way, you've got this. You can do it. I know the voice in your head says otherwise, but don't let it poison you. We are our own worst critics and we judge ourselves more harshly that anyone else. (Except perhaps for the PDs in our lives that judge everything.)

[losingmyself]

Thank you Andeza.
I have been reading and re-reading your advice, and I'll probably continue.
I keep telling myself that baby steps are better than nothing.
Have a great weekend!

[Gwendolyn]

 

I saw a fridge magnet that said

No matter how slow you go,
You are still lapping people on the couch



That little saying is very encouraging.

Sounds like you know what has to be done so a friend, therapist or life coach might help with the boost part.  Everyone is different so you're doing the best you can right now with how your feeling and your energy levels etc.

Changing your mindset a bit to "actively seeking a helping hand" rather than "boot in in the ..." might be step one to being your own best friend.  Our self talk can reinforce old attitudes that don't help us now.

You're facing something daunting and completely new-to-you.  Asking for help and/or talking over ideas and strategies with a trusted adult or two is okay.  We can't be expected to know everything about everything !!

Be kind to yourself and think about what type of support you need and go get it... even  if it's an aquafit program or an afternoon at the library or walking with a friend...Change your mood and make the decisions you need to make with pride and calmness... no kicks required.




You have made the toughest decision already.. now envision yourself in your new life and make it the best you can imagine. 
Peace and good wishes at this challenging time.  Be your own best friend.

Hugs
Gwendolyn

[SonofThunder]

Hello LosingMyself,

Sorry to read you are experiencing procrastination struggles.  When I feel overwhelmed, I can mentally drift onto the shoulder of the road, when I should be downshifting, bringing those rpm's up and proactively accelerating into my desires and workload.

When I end up on the side of the road though, it can be easy for me to just sit and watch the rest of the highway zoom by in their busyness.  I do get a moment of calm just sitting there, but then  i realize my sitting motionless, is not causing any of my needs to go away, and then the procrastination anxiety creeps in to replace the temporary calm. 

I find that if I just pick one thing to focus on, it will get me back onto the road and when im back up to cruising speed on that one project, then my other tasks can seem less daunting.  The one thing I may choose to focus upon, may not be an item on my to-do list at all, but rather something that I may enjoy.  Its the proactivity of doing, that helps me mentally be able to get back on the road of multitasking.   

Is there possibly one proactive thing you could choose at this time, to help you get your wonderful engine back in gear and moving forward down that highway?   A few weeks ago you wrote:

".....I think I would fill my time with volunteering at the community Thanksgiving meal. They're always looking for volunteers, and I think I would be surrounded by good people, and also be busy. It does the heart good to help others."

Being that you had this idea prior, is there a volunteer group in which to join, that gets you involved a little with other good people and "do the heart good"?   You could possibly discover that your motor becomes revved-up enough to tackle your other tasks at home, and then in combo, you will feel very accomplished! ...regardless of what anybody else is not-doing in your sphere.

All the best,

SoT

[haribo_milchbaren]

Ultimately, like with all other things in life it seems (I'm looking at myself here too, don't feel bad), you have to be sick and tired enough to have your "I'VE HAD IT!!" moment. You can decide that the time is now. You can accept that you'll bungle some things, you may not have 100% success, and so on. But you will have some success. And at the end.... freedom. Peace. Your dignity and sense of self-worth returned with time and healing. Remember, only you can judge your level of success and nobody is, at least nobody should be, standing over your shoulder grading your progress and efforts.

I *can* guarantee it won't be easy. It's extremely common in society at the moment that people operate under the mentality of "If I don't try I can't fail..." They don't do this consciously, they just don't ever start the process necessary to move forward in x,y,z. But they also can't succeed if they never start the journey. (I've done this too)

Whatever you decide to do, there'll be people here that will walk with you. It's possible that your first step lies in working through the procrastination (with a therapist perhaps) to uncover the original fear. Or perhaps it's just time to take a deep breath, go sit down at that desk, and see what gets done. Either way, you've got this. You can do it. I know the voice in your head says otherwise, but don't let it poison you. We are our own worst critics and we judge ourselves more harshly that anyone else. (Except perhaps for the PDs in our lives that judge everything.)

It took me 4 years. And I had told no one about most of it, and the worst of it I tried to convince even myself that it didn't happen. It took a "that's it!" For me to get out of the house, and even then two more weeks out of the situation to even begin to process that this wasn't just the immediate situation that was the problem, it went so much deeper. But I relied on my STBX completely for emotional support, and couldn't even fathom how I could possibly leave them or live without them before this.

[losingmyself]

I wanted to put out an update to this post...
Although I have not yet moved forward with the divorce, I am closer to being prepared. The desk is all cleaned off, and I have been cleaning parts of the house that have been messy for a long time. Things are being thrown or organized, and I'm feeling pretty good about the transformation of it all. I am close to having all the information I need to go to the lawyer, and I have the money to pay for the initial filing.  I am emotionally ready, though still very scared, I don't like confrontation, and this will be an unpleasant one, for sure. I thought I was waiting for the weather to get better, but very many days I just don't care. I even don't care if he ends up with the house, or if we have to sell. It's fine.
When he does or says things that hurt me, I am comforted in the knowledge that I won't be the target of his abuse any longer. He seems to think that this is how his life will be forever. He is wrong, and that brings a little smile to my face.
Thanks for all your help. I wouldn't be this far without you all...

[square]

Very impressed, and proud of you.

[JollyJazz]

Hey Losingmyself,

Sometimes a lack of motivation can be linked to trauma.
If it's an ongoing thing, it can be worth doing a test for ADHD. There is a known connection between childhood ADHD and emotional abuse.

The good news is that it can be treated as well.

Sometimes it's just a consequence of feeling stressed and overwhelmed!

Anyway, sending you support and a big hug!

[JustKeepTrying]

losing myself - congratulations on the progress you have made.  This is no small thing - it is huge and should be treated as such.  Do what you need for yourself and be compassionate with yourself.  You got this - and we got you.  JKT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Nice job - small steps will always result in big changes.

Be proud