Lost in the Fog

[BootsAndJeans]

As a part of the therapy and readings that I have been doing in recovering from the trauma and long-term effects of abuse as a child, and the triggers of continuing issues with my parents, I have learned a good deal of information that, at the least, illuminates where some of their behaviors came/come from. This is not me looking for ways to excuse their behaviors, but to explain how these behaviors were amplified in their lives and how they acted. There is no excuse for adults who abuse anyone, especially their children or spouses.

My step-father is an alcoholic. He did stop drinking for a number of years, long after I was an adult. At a point in my teenage years, he had some medical problems and was on prescription medications, and still drank alcohol. In the last 12 - 15 years, he started drinking again. As a child, I observed two distinct classes of behavior. The first was when he was intoxicated, primarily from drinking hard liquor. The second was when he was sober or slightly intoxicated. When he was intoxicated on hard liquor, he became a verbally and physically aggressive drunk. I have three distinct memories of him beating my mother severely and in two of those instances, I as a child, tried to protect her, and suffered as a result. When he was not "drunk", he behaved in a way at times that was bizarre. He would accuse my mother of cheating with other men, of being a lesbian, and a whole host of of other unsubstantiated allegations. These would usually be the start of huge blowout fights.

In terms of my mother, I am not sure of what medications she was taking in the period between my 11th and 18th years. I honestly cannot remember, it being 40 - 50 years ago, but I do know she was on medications consistently. I do not ever remember my mother being drunk or abusing alcohol. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is Bi-Polar, not diagnosed until I was grown and gone. There were times when my mother would go on a complete manic meltdown, devolving into threats of suicide, emotional & verbal rages, and physical abuse. Her behaviors and my stepfather behaviors, obvious fed off each other and at times, would create a feedback loop that would go on for days or weeks.

Based upon a lot of scientific research, there is direct evidence that narcotics/opiates, when taken long-term, and when especially mixed with alcohol, can cause direct physical harm/changes, psychological/behavioral changes, as well as mood issues. If you take this evidence, along with a person who already has personality disorders, the picture painted is not a pretty one. Some of the effects are:

Mood symptoms:

(1) Mood swings
Depression
Anxiety
Euphoric mood for a few hours
Irritability

(2) Behavioral symptoms:

Stealing narcotics from friends and family
Not fulfilling familial and other responsibilities
Decreased performance at job or school
Preoccupation with obtaining, using, and recovering from usage of opiates
Lying to others to cover the amount of drug taken
Withdrawing from once-pleasurable activities
Social isolation
Restlessness
Lethargy

(3) Psychological symptoms:

Addiction
Memory problems
Hallucinations
Delusions
Paranoia
Worsening of mental health
Decrease in emotional well-being
Increase in symptoms of mental illness

Now in their late 70's, my mother and step-father are deep into an abyss of physical problems, alcoholism, prescription narcotic abuse and the associated behaviors. I cannot ever remember a time that they did not argue, fight and be (in my perception), mad at each other. In late November 2022, my mother broke her leg. In the room at the emergency department of the hospital, they were continuing a fight that had begun sometime earlier. At their age, they still regularly argue and get mad at each other and threaten to "run away from home/leave", like teenagers. It is my belief that the long-term effects of alcohol and narcotic/opiate use have amplified the the emotional immaturity they both have always exhibited. At their age, with 50 plus years of this, I am sure they have neurological changes, plus liver damage and other impacts. At this point in their lives, and after discussing this with a medical doctor familiar with their issues, I have come to the conclusion that they cannot change, even if they so desired to.

It is profoundly sad, infuriating and damaging to themselves and to their family. But we must all live with the consequences of our choices and behaviors. They had a choice to deal with their issues constructively. They failed and have abused others their entire lives. They exhibit emotional and behavioral immaturity, a lack of awareness and an ability to empathize with others. They are lost in the fog, blinded and groping in every direction but forward, with a pill or bottle for company.

[moglow]

That's incredibly sad, for the whole family really. It's hard to recover when there's a complete refusal on their part not only to acknowledge the ongoing issues, but making no effort to change. There seems to be an overweaning "because we're the parents... " you/we have no right to say anything, are condemned if you dare speak up. And at the same time, there are demands that we somehow repair (or maintain) the relationships between us.


My heart goes out to you, regardless. Where are you in all this, trying to maintain a relationship with them or is that futile?

[BootsAndJeans]

That's incredibly sad, for the whole family really. It's hard to recover when there's a complete refusal on their part not only to acknowledge the ongoing issues, but making no effort to change. There seems to be an overweaning "because we're the parents... " you/we have no right to say anything, are condemned if you dare speak up. And at the same time, there are demands that we somehow repair (or maintain) the relationships between us.


My heart goes out to you, regardless. Where are you in all this, trying to maintain a relationship with them or is that futile?

I am no-contact with my mother, stepfather and flying monkey siblings.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello BootsAndJeans,

Welcome.

I agree with what you wrote at the start of your post here. Learning about the specific factors that were impacting on their behaviours is valuable and important. It isn't about 'giving them an excuse' or 'letting them off the hook', it is about knowing that there was A LOT going on for them, while you were growing up. They did not provide the protection and nurturing that all children need. Knowing about the mental health issues they had during your childhood does not excuse their behaviour. It gives you a clearer understanding of the situation you were in, as a little kid.

Their capacity to give you the parenting you needed back then was extremely limited given the many factors your describe (anxiety, paranoia, addiction, emotional instability, tantrums, etc...).

Their capacity to relate to you in a healthy way has been extremely limited from what you describe. This doesn't excuse their behaviour, it gives you more language to describe what went on when you were small.

As children, none of us could say "you know what mom, What I really need right now is for you to use effective listening skills to relate to me after school each day" . As adults we can identify what it is that we needed back then. As adults we can see what was missing, and what sorts of things we are healing from. It has nothing to do with what our parent believes, it is about how we are going to recover from their abusive ways.

Many of us here on the forum grew up in homes full of dysfunction and we are working to recover from what that did to us. We are not able to heal our own parents, we are here because we want to protect ourselves from further abuse, and we want to heal the wounds from injuries.

Many of us here, had people in our lives who believed that we were responsible for our parents. This is very backwards, and society is slowly, slowly coming around to a different perspective. Children cannot cure their parents of the many ills their parents may be presenting. Those parents are adults who need to participate in their own treatment - be it for medical, mental health or psychological care. The conclusions you have come to are important ones for adult children of narcissistic parents. I am sorry you are in this boat but I am glad you are here on the forum as part of your recovery.

Trees