Fogged again!

[Leonor]

Hello dear Oofers,

My widowed MIL lives about 3 blocks from us. My DH is working abroad for the next few months.

I have received so much wisdom and kind support here while navigating my own dx HPD M, ndx covert narc ILs, and marriage fallout over the years.

DH and I have come light years from where we were just a few years ago. I'm more independent. He's less enmeshed. We have a solid understanding that his relationship with his parents is his business, and that their relationship with our kids is short, occasional, outside, and supervised. It's allowed me to relax and trust in him, and for him to feel more committed to us and less controlling of his parents.

But today I got a call from a panicked DH. He called his mom and she didn't pick up. He started calling every half hour for two hours before freaking out and calling dx MBPD SIL, who also lives intl town, but she said she was in the hospital for a procedure of her own, and started to argue at him. That's when he called me.

Now in the past his family would churn out the most ridiculous chaos. Faking heart attacks. Draining bank accounts. Dying dogs. That kind of thing. We kept thinking it was real (They're old! They're limited! They're incapable!) and DH was so enmeshed and I was so codependent that we would rush in to Save the Day.

Today I almost fell for it. Of course my mind went first to I'll go to her house! I'll call her neighbors! And so on. But I didn't. When DH said I don't know what to do, all I could say was, me neither. I said I am not going over there and he reassured me that he was calling because he was nervous and just wanted to talk to me, not to get me involved. I did say, Look, it's only been 2 hours, and then,  it sounds like you're experiencing a lot of anxiety and he kind of shut down, so I backed off. At one point I suggested an elder check and he said, maybe but you'll have to call the police for me because I can't from here and that's when I told him I loved him and that I'd talk to him later, I had to pick up our kids from school.

And then I had the face palm moment. DH is abroad. I'm NC with the kids. And SIL is in the hospital. Gee, what a shock that MIL would go for a while not answering her phone? She's done this before ... When she's pissed! So I am pretty dang sure that this is a passive aggressive maneuver to punish everyone for "abandoning " her on a random Thursday afternoon. When she resurfaces, it will be how she forgot her password or accidentally muted her phone, and DH will hem and haw about how she's getting older and probably did forget or accidentally mute something.

What really gets me is that if she hadn't been so horrible to us, I'd be checking in on her without any problem at all! I'd be stopping by with the kids and my son's would help her bring up groceries. But she has done this kind of thing so many times, it's impossible.

So I am  . Mad at MIL for being so sick as to torment her children with worry as some kind of revenge. I'm mad at DH for getting all foggy and anxious and dropping it onto me. And I'm mad with myself for falling for it -- again!

I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel manipulated, and I'm I don't want to talk to DH or MIL right now. I'm not in the mood for more babysitting of these grown@## adults.

[1footouttadefog]

I am guessing it's attention seeking over the sister having a procedure.  She might even bee there with her so she can get attention from staff at that facility. 

[Leonor]

 

Right. I don't even know who is going to what clinic to compete with whom.

When my dad was hospitalized for cirrhosis, his (3rd) wife was admitted two days later for dehydration. I went to see the 2 of them, my dad zonked out from booze brain and my stepmom in a wheelchair and said, well this is ironic, he's in here for drinking too much and you're in here for not drinking at all and she got offended.

DH finally got in touch with MIL's neighbor ... Apparently MIL was walking her dog and fell on the sidewalk. The people around her called an ambulance and she spent the night in a clinic in a wheelchair in a hall, but her daughter (SIL) didn't know and no one asked about next of kin and MIL didn't call because her phone dropped or something? I dunno. She's home now, so that is good. I can oy love her from a distance, but I don't want her to suffer, either.

Public health here requires strenuous advocacy, a lot of effort, and often arguing. I think it's very likely that the story, as bonkers as it is, is very close to true. But it infuriates me that the staff is the way they are, that the SIL is the way that she is, and the stupid inanity of it all.

Elder care is stressful and often sad. But throw in a personality disorder or two and it's just 

[Cat of the Canals]

The way I see it, you didn't fall for it at all. You didn't call her or the police. You didn't go over there. You had a momentary, amygdala-fueled urge to go be the fixer, and then you took a breath and let your pre-frontal cortex have a minute to process before you said, "On second thought, this is not My Stuff."

Honestly, I don't know if you could have handled it better. The amygdala is gonna amygdala. I don't think we get a say in that. What we do get a say in is how we respond after that emotional gut punch. And I think you did everything right.

I also think there must be some sort of cooling off period before you get access to ALL of your critical thinking powers after an amygdala hijacking, because I've experienced that whole, "Oh NOOOOOW I see the whole picture!" thing with both my PDmom and PDmil way too many times, but only hours, days, months later. It always seems obvious in hindsight, but it was like the emotions had to clear before I could make sense of exactly what game was being played.

[wisingup]

Ha ha, Cat I love this

The amygdala is gonna amygdala.

I picture the amygdala sort of like this emoji: 

Let it do it's thing, then use the calmer part of your brain  to figure out how to proceed.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, exactly what Cat said! You felt the urge but let it pass. And it was good. It gets easier!

[notrightinthehead]

Sentence of the day for me

The amygdala is gonna amygdala.

Love it

[bloomie]

The amygdala is gonna amygdala.

This is a great quote, Cat!! And very true.

Leonor - look at you handling this possibly manufactured mini crisis of your mil's and your DH's anxiousness in a calm and wise way.  All of the conditions were met for your mil to have some kind of crisis. Your DH knew it. You knew it. And you were able to step back and see the bigger picture and act within your own limits. Really well done.

End of day... the story seems to be your mil fell on the same day her daughter was having a procedure,  was somehow rendered unable to use both her own phone and to ask staff to contact a family member or ask the kind neighbor to contact a family member... hmmmm... not passing the sniff test for me.

Thankful to hear your mil is home and apparently not seriously injured.

[Leonor]

Thank you all so much.

I want "Amygdala gonna amygdala" on a t-shirt. Then when I flip out, or DH flips out, I'm just going to point at the shirt (cause the head ain't listening!)

Yes, the story is whack, it always is, and it's amazing how even as FIL and GIL have passed, the show must - and does - go on. These people will go into the sunset of their lives getting locked into the most nonsensical, Houdini-proof traps of chaos and helplessness and arguments and FOG.

I want to support and be a sounding board and reality check for DH, but I can't when it comes to his family. I get completely sucked in to the emotional whirlpool and thrown off balance for days, bouncing from pity PDQ into anger at ILs and hurt and anger at DH.

So amygdala gonna amygdala, Cat, and when that happens Leonor just gonna Leonor!

[Cat of the Canals]

So amygdala gonna amygdala, Cat, and when that happens Leonor just gonna Leonor!