it happened again... I had anxiety attack at the grocery store

[Kovera]

I've had extreme anxiety most of my life, but wasn't aware of just how severely it affected my life until my early 30's. When my life starts to hit crisis mode (which has happened recently since my temporary job ended and I still have yet to find stable employment) my anxiety can get painfully uncomfortable and very difficult to manage on a daily basis. Lately, I noticed that  this especially happens when I go to the grocery store.

As far back as I can remember, grocery shopping with my malignant narc father was always embarrassing because I never knew when he was gonna blow up at me or the store staff with his rages and impossible demands. I am ashamed to say, some of the store employees knew him to be a red flag on the regular at some places because he would start harassing employees when things didn't go his way. Sometimes he would arrive drunk to the grocery store and start belittling the staff under the influence and screaming at cashiers. When they saw me, they instantly associated me with him as well. He has been banned from places due to his abusive behavior. When I was a kid, my dentist office banned me from receiving services because he walked in and started harassing the staff about an insurance bill. I was a teenage girl, in no way responsible for his behavior, with no idea of what even happened, yet they called me on my personal cell phone and griped at me as if I was somehow involved, then claimed that I was no longer welcome to set appointments anymore. All these problems my father caused out in public places, I believe this to be a part of why I'm experiencing this sense of extreme urgent anxiety when I'm out in public, whether it be shopping at the mall or strolling through the park.

Since I'm still seeking employment at this time (which in itself has given me massive depression and anxiety amongst this terrible California job market) on a daily basis I have no set schedule throughout the day, so I am feeling very concerned as to why this is happening so often. I have no appointments, no deadlines or needing to be anywhere right away... so why is this extreme anxiety hitting me so hard? I've had OCD with time for as long as I can remember, which in a way led me to always be strictly on time to work and other daily activities requiring my presence.

When I am grocery shopping, seeing long lines or crowded aisles in the grocery store seems to trigger the anxiety, and it snowballs from there... and I'm not talking my usual evasive efforts, like shying away from crowds or avoiding in person checkout, but full on OCD tendencies, such as:

-- hyperventilation and feeling faint with unexplained fear every time I park and approach the store
-- wiping my hands excessively with cart wipes to the point where I have even used the industrial spray cleaners meant for the checkout equipment
    when no wipes were available
-- walking strictly around certain aisles to avoid being around others
-- obsessive checking of dates on food labels because I'm afraid of food poisoning
-- not daring to touch or buy anything that people have so much tapped (this is in combination with my OCD with germs. It's also escalated during this period in my life, alongside the grocery store anxiety.)
-- washing the hell out of my hands once I get home because I somehow feel encapsulated by germs and dirt after shopping before putting my food away in the fridge
-- wiping every item down to avoid dirt on groceries and holding my breath to avoid breathing on them. This one scares me, because I've never done this before until recently.

Today, for the third time, I had a bit of an anxiety meltdown when grocery shopping. I was at walmart, awaiting self checkout. I went early to avoid evening crowds, yet my biggest fear still took over. It wasn't even that crowded, yet I got so upset when I had to waste time and switch lines because the one I waited in was in was for cash only. I went over to another self checkout and the moment I saw the crowd build in front of me, I started crying. Literally, breaking down with anxiety because I had to wait 5 minutes. I had this unexplained sense of fear, like something bad was about to happen when in reality everyone was just doing their normal daily activities. The lady in front of me noticed and asked if I was okay, which I hid my face and whispered that I was just having a hard time.

I am so embarrassed. I feel like this problem is becoming more and more frequent, and getting out of hand. Sometimes it happens at other places too, like being stuck in traffic or waiting at the doctor's office... but most intensely it happens while grocery shopping.

I'm wondering if it has anything to do with my abusive father and his rages at the store all throughout my childhood... possibly a connection? I just feel so stuck in this CPTSD mode and I'm tired of feeling nothing but fight or flight 24/7. It's like my body never stops releasing adrenaline. It makes me physically sick, sometimes feeling like wanting to throw up. It feels like life is always on the gas pedal, in which the narcissists cut my brakes and I'm wildly driving like a crazy woman trying to avoid blindly crashing into the world everywhere I go... it's just so exhausting 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, Kovera, I am so sorry you are experiencing these hugely overwhelming symptoms so often. From what you write, when you have to wait in line you are feeling caught, trapped, maybe you will be kicked out again and you don't want to be seen. Shamed. Similar to how you felt blamed for your father's behavior by the dentist and by the people at the store associating you with him, your body is preparing to be similarly banished again and it comes out in this extreme anxiety. Your rational brain can tell you you are just shopping like everyone else, but emotionally you are right back in those situations where you were forced to take the consequences of your father's truly horrible behavior. You're right, you didn't do anything wrong! And I think you are incredibly brave to face this level of anxiety on a regular basis.

I don't know a lot about OCD. But to me it seems there is a connection between the "toxic" experience of the store and not wanting that to taint the food you bring home from there. And it makes perfect sense to me that symptoms would be worse when you are unemployed and it's out of your control. Unemployment could easily make just about anyone anxious, setting you up for anxiety piled on anxiety. These things go in a positive feedback loop, and you are aware of this even in the midst of it. Your response to the lady in line that you were just having a hard time is the truth.  You are doing your best with finding a job and you are far from alone in that challenge, as you rightly point out. And you are far from alone in having childhood triggers follow you into adulthood. But it's too much at the same time!

It can be hard to think when you are just trying to get through the day with anxiety and CPTSD, but what help do you have available? Big picture for therapy, medication? Do you have a doctor and can you go for a physical? And even just getting through the day. Shopping less frequently or online? You are right it is not good for you to be flooded with cortisol and adrenaline all the time. When I get in high anxiety overwhelmed mode I simply have to take an epsom salt bath before going to bed early. Something about absorbing the magnesium through the skin and the warm bath allows me to actually get to sleep instead of having mind-racing insomnia. It's a simple thing but does wonders for me. We are rooting for you, Kovera!

[moglow]

Kovera I've not experienced anything close to what you do but crippling is exactly what I'd call it. It seems that you would mainly need to refocus on the moment - remind yourself he/they can't hurt you now. It sounds like a lot of it is a need to control your environment, and given your past that makes sense. You had no control, were totally at the mercy of an angry person.

Keep reminding yourself - that's not the case now. He's not there and won't be there. It really is mind over matter, but getting the mind there is a struggle. And honestly, sometimes we have less to work with than we do others. Don't feel embarrassed, you'll work through it in your own time. Try and remember that *everybody* has stuff, sometimes we're just better at hiding or coping than we are others. What others think - not your stuff.
I don't have anything useful to offer other than hoping you can continue to work through and find patience with yourself. That's the main concern really, how you treat and see yourself.

[Kovera]

Thank you everyone for your support. It really means a lot to me reading your kind words and understanding.

Call me Cordelia, I thought about what you mentioned about the feeling of being trapped when I stand long lines and something clicked and made sense. During those times in childhood when I went grocery shopping with my narc father, long lines were something that he often raged over. It was premise for being humiliated and berated publicly all the time. Sometimes he would leave me in the line, hand me money to pay the cart, and often disappeared without a word to go look for something. This often left me, an elementary kid, at checkout with a handful of cash which was usually not enough, so when this happened I would be so embarrassed as the line of people behind us glared at me waiting for my father to return to finish the bill. Yet if people in front of us so much as took a minute longer, he raged at the cashier because it wasn't fast enough. Sometimes he would explode with anger over he most miniscule things, such as forgetting to grab a loaf of bread. I was a very quiet and shy girl, and would just stare at the ground, speechless and completely humiliated as people stared at him cussing me out in front of everyone. This went on for years from the time I was as young as 8 right up until my twenties. Now that I analyze it further, waiting in lines with him practically entailed walking on eggshells, awaiting the public humiliation ready to blast me at any given time.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, as for therapy I've been looking into seeing a therapist again, I have yet to set an appointment. I like your method for reducing anxiety with a warm bath and epsom salt, I use a similar technique in the shower with the eepsom body wash with lavender... and just deeply inhale using breathing excercises. Sometimes magnesium supplements at night before bed helps me sleep better too, I add in listening to soothing music a few minutes before bed and it often helps me feel less pressure. Sometimes a little self care goes a long way.

Thank you Moglow for your support as well. What you mention about crippling is exactly how I feel and I agree about refocusing on the present moment - it often times can help stop the reactions from escalating further. It feels weird that my mental awareness can differentiate the past from present, but it's like my body involuntarily reacts by going into overdrive fight or flight.

Thank you everyone for the support and understanding... realizing that I'm not alone in this kind of struggle, having grown up with such abnormal parental behaviors gives me hope that I can pull through again and overcome these tough times.

[notrightinthehead]

Kovera, check out if EMDR would be something for you.  Also, check out the crappy childhood fairy on YouTube. Could very well be that you have a bad case of c-PTSD.  From what you wrote about your childhood, it would be a miracle if you were not traumatized by your fathers behaviour.