How to stop the endless requests/demands

[Sneezy]

This is not all that bad, but it's something that annoys me - and makes me feel like I'm being manipulated.  No matter what I offer to do do for my mom, there's always one more thing.  I offered to take her out to lunch tomorrow.  Great, she wants to go.  But, as long as we're out, she really NEEDS to go to Target.  Ok, I agreed that we could make a QUICK trip to Target, making it clear that 20-30 minutes is fine, but I don't have all day to watch her wander up and down each aisle.  But then, mom mentions that she has a new light fixture to hang over her table and could I come up to her apartment and help her hang it.  I said I'd come up and take a look at it and see if it's something I can do.  This is where I start to feel manipulated, because she could have maintenance do it for a $30 fee.  Then, as long as I'm coming up to her apartment, her alarm clock isn't working and could I fix that while I'm up there.  It just goes on and on.  And it's all little stuff, and I feel bad saying no to such minor requests.  But they add up.  And before I know it, I'm spending half of a work day doing all mom's little chores, when all I intended was to take her out for an hour for lunch.

How do I stop all these little requests from snowballing into 4-6 hours out of my day?  I feel so petty saying that I can't take a look at something for her or we can't make a quick trip to the store.  But it adds up quickly, especially given mom's poor mobility and just the effort of getting her into and out of the car, etc.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh man. If you give a mouse a cookie...

I feel that you just can't go down the slippery slope with her. At all. If you are offering lunch, I'm sorry you only have time for lunch. If she badgers and is not content with what's offered at this time, I would fully support you in pulling out of the outing all together.

I'm confident she knows what she's doing here. You are being manipulated. She won't straight up ask for 4-6 hours but these games have been working for her. She installed the program that makes you feel bad for saying no.

If she has things she needs, she can write a list of those things. You can decide what you are willing to do and when you have time. Not last minute, "Oh, just one thing more."

[moglow]

If you are offering lunch, I'm sorry you only have time for lunch. If she badgers and is not content with what's offered at this time, I would fully support you in pulling out of the outing all together.

Yep, this right here. LIVE your boundaries - she doesn't have to comply, you just have to be your own enforcer here. Maybe tell her you have x amount of time/specific hour or two available on y day. Would she like to go to lunch that day or [fill in the blank]. Period. That's your final answer, and refer back to it as needed regardless of what else she tries to drag into it. She has other stuff, things need fixing? Okay, she might want to go ahead and contact maintenance staff for that.

As we've said before, people do things because they can and because it works for them. If it doesn't work, they stop, maybe look for something else. No means no, sorry, that's what I can do this week. "Would you rather ...?" -as in EITHER this OR that, not both- whatever YOU are willing or able to do. Provide your available options and she gets to pick one for x day. She gets to prioritize and be part of the process, while not taking control of a chunk of your day.

Remember: You also have stuff - home/family/work/meetings/classes/appointments. However bored she may be, you have responsibilities too. Her seeing you as her sole entertainment is all well and good but you aren't [and won't be!] available as much as she'd like. Sorry. Life be that way.

[NarcKiddo]

I totally agree with what the others have said. Now you know what the tactic is, head it off at the pass so you don't get the drip-drip of little things that make you feel bad.

You have an "appointment" after seeing her and you have to leave at X time. End of story. If you are happy for her to choose what is done during that time, whether it be go to lunch, go shopping or mend alarm clocks, then fine. Give her the time slot and let her choose the activity. If you just want to take her out to lunch and not mend alarm clocks then you invite her to lunch. When she says "Yes, and also.." you just say "sorry, there won't be time for anything but the lunch. Why? Well, I have an appointment."

[Cat of the Canals]

Totally agree that you FEEL like you're being manipulated because you are. Another game of "you give an inch, they take a mile."

My PDmil, every single holiday dinner, would wait until the very moment we said, "OK, we're going to head out..." to suddenly insist that we MUST take some leftovers. And then she'd spend, I kid you not, 45 minutes to an hour meticulously parceling out the food. It took me a few years to catch on and realize it was no accident that it was done at the last minute and at the slowest speed possible.

If she has things she needs, she can write a list of those things. You can decide what you are willing to do and when you have time. Not last minute, "Oh, just one thing more."

I like this idea here, and going forward, I'd set a quiet boundary with yourself about what you're willing to do ahead of time. Maybe some days you only have the patience for lunch. Have CMC's line locked and loaded: "Sorry, I really only have time for lunch today." Maybe other days, you're willing to do lunch plus one errand/task. "I can spare about 20 minutes to take you to Target, but then I really need to drop you off and be on my way." And then, "Sorry, since we stopped at Target earlier, I'm not able to help you with the light fixture. You can call maintenance, or wait until I have time."

Anticipate some pouting and let it bounce right off of you.

[Srcyu]

When they become old and infirm they lose the will/ability to make much effort. They spend more time sitting around looking at things that need doing. They have neither the strength nor inclination to tend to these jobs themselves. So the little things start piling up and it bothers them because their world is quite small and limited.

When you kindly suggest going out for lunch her mind starts thinking of what else she could fit in while she has you at her disposal.  In a way, she is quite desperate to get as much done as she can via your cooperation and presence. It's sad really that the chance of a nice treat is overshadowed by jobs that have been niggling at her.

To make it stop, probably requires more time and planning from you. She will always have jobs that need doing.
Honestly, I'm surprising myself with how insightful I'm being today. Must be cos I'm getting older 

[Psuedonym]

Hey there, Sneezy!

I think an important thing here is to make sure you aren't gaslighting yourself. You start off by saying its not all that bad and is just sort of annoying. But it is a big deal because of why you're doing the 1 or 2 or 7 extra things she suddenly comes up with after lunch...and that reason is that you're afraid of what her reaction will be if you say no.

There is a great Richard Grannon video out there in which he says if you want to find out if somebody's a narcissist really quickly, just politely decline a request from them without smiling or making excuses. A non PD person will understand, accept your answer, and it will be a non event. A person with a PD will: a) become enraged, b) call you selfish or lazy or ungrateful, c) lay a guilt trip on you about how you owe them, d) give you the silent treatment or e) or turn into a sad, whiny victim. So you end up doing all these things for her not because you want to (nor should you) but because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't, and everything you do gives her a nice shot of narcissistic supply so she keeps piling on requests to see how much she can get. It's a no win situation and its maddening.

As others have said, you can't stop the endless requests and demands, you can only change your response to them and then ignore the reaction. Just remember that its her reaction, and not your response, that's inappropriate. You feel like you're being manipulated because you are, and that is a big deal!

[treesgrowslowly]

Agreeing with all the other posts here so far. Yes, yep, yeah!!

Wondering if what you are also struggling with, is how you feel when you say "No, I just have time for lunch today".

Trees

[lkdrymom]

Boundaries are so important but sometimes they catch us off guard.   My father would want me to go out to lunch with him every so often.  I only got a 30 minute lunchbreak so I had to use vacation/personal time for these lunches which is why I spaced them out as far as I could.  One time he wants to go to a different restaurant. Odd because he is a creature of habit but I soon learned why.  Hey look...we are right next to the Home Depot ...can we stop there and get some topsoil.  Of course he is too old to lift the 50 pound bag so there I am doing that while wearing a light colored suit and heels.  I was so mad that he outsmarted me.   Then there was the doctor appointments that he assumed I really wanted to go to.  And miss work for.  I told him to make the appointment for 2:30 and take a cab there and I would pick him up on my way home from work and drop him home.  He thought it would be MORE helpful if he made the appointment for 3:30 this way I could take him there, sit and wait for him to finish and then take him home...or even better, out to dinner. Never mind I didn't want to waste my time sitting in a doctor's office or that I had my husband and kids waiting for me at home with dinner.

Next time have a white lie ready as to why you can't stay. Or at least ask up front if there are other things they need you to do.  When I would visit my father I would ask him if he needed anything from the store so I could bring it.  You know what his answer was....come here and I will tell you what I need.  So instead of getting it on my way in I would have to go to his apt, find parking, take the long walk to his apt then find out what he wants.  Go to the store, again find parking at his apt and take the long walk again.  He truly thought he needed to fill my time with things to do for him.

[Sneezy]

I don't think I've ever watched one of Richard Grannon's youtube videos, but after Psuedonym's recommendation, I watched three of them - WOW!  He describes my mom to a tee.  It seemed like no matter what he said a lightbulb went off and I was like "that's my mom." 

I saw mom yesterday as planned and really tried to just observe her behavior without getting angry.  And it was apparent that she is playing a game with me.  Maybe not even on purpose, but it's a game nonetheless.  Mom just keeps throwing chores at me to see what sticks.  It's like she is pushing a button or pulling a string to get a reaction out of me.  The reaction she would prefer is that I give in and do what she asks.  But if I get angry or upset, she will take that as a win.  It's all about supply to her.  Mom's favorite supply is when I bow to her demands, but she will take whatever supply she can get.

One other thing I have noticed about her constant demands is that they are sometimes based on lies.  Last month, she started complaining that her light in her bedroom was out and could I come up to her apartment and put in a new bulb.  So I took a bulb over to her apartment and guess what?  The light was working fine.  I could tell by the look on her face that it had never been burned out.  She mumbled something about how the light had just started working again.  Yeah, sure!  But in mom's mind, she won something because instead of just picking her up, she had manipulated me into parking and coming upstairs to her apartment for absolutely no reason at all.  Yesterday was much of the same.  Mom claimed she had a check to deposit and wanted to drive through the bank.  Ok, I can do that.  Oh, but she left the check in her apartment which would mean driving back and me going upstairs to get it.  So I said no, we will put that on the list for next time.  Mom then lied and said the check HAD to be deposited this week.  Nope, checks are good for at least 60 days, there's no rush and I just repeated that we'd take care of it the next time I saw her.  She tried with several other little chores, too, and I just kept saying "next time."

Oh, and the new light fixture (in case you're wondering) is huge and heavy.  I kept very calm, but told Mom that she will need to hire a handyman as it's going to involve cutting a hole in her ceiling and anchoring the fixture and I can't do that for her.  She wasn't happy, but I refused to get into an argument with her.  I just kept repeating that it has to be done right or it could be a safety issue.

[Sneezy]

When I would visit my father I would ask him if he needed anything from the store so I could bring it.  You know what his answer was....come here and I will tell you what I need.  So instead of getting it on my way in I would have to go to his apt, find parking, take the long walk to his apt then find out what he wants.  Go to the store, again find parking at his apt and take the long walk again.  He truly thought he needed to fill my time with things to do for him.

Our parents are related!!!  There is something about making us park and walk over/up to their apartments several times that gives them their supply.  God forbid we just bring them what they need or pick them up at a convenient doorway.  For some reason, they think we need to get our daily steps in by walking back and forth and up and down.  They must get "double points" if it's a cold day or rainy 

[Srcyu]

Our parents are related!!!  There is something about making us park and walk over/up to their apartments several times that gives them their supply.  God forbid we just bring them what they need or pick them up at a convenient doorway.  For some reason, they think we need to get our daily steps in by walking back and forth and up and down.  They must get "double points" if it's a cold day or rainy 

That's one of the most amusing responses I've ever read here.

[Pepin]

I witnessed CN MIL doing this to DH as well over a span of 20 years.  Every visit with her entailed some sort of handy man request from DH.  This was her way of spending time with him, keeping him from me and it was also pure manipulation.  In order to get him to comply, she used the old: but, if you do it, it's free.  Dh's family grew up very poor and even though they pulled themselves out of it, she knew that saying what she said to DH, would trigger a guilty response from him to honor her wishes.  She clearly had the money to hire help for her home owner issues....but she also wanted to give as much as she could to her children at her death by saving from not hiring help.  IDK.  Seems honorable to save and gift at death, but was it?  Think of the meaningful time they could have spent together rather than DH being frustrated at yet another task he had to accomplish for her.  All water under the bridge at this point with her death.  The flip side to this coin is that DH knew that by doing these menial tasks for his mother that drove him crazy, he'd inherit more.  Was it worth it?  Nah, not really based on what he got.  Financial abuse and manipulation....these PDs know exactly what they are doing.

[lkdrymom]

I don't think I've ever watched one of Richard Grannon's youtube videos, but after Psuedonym's recommendation, I watched three of them - WOW!  He describes my mom to a tee.  It seemed like no matter what he said a lightbulb went off and I was like "that's my mom." 

I saw mom yesterday as planned and really tried to just observe her behavior without getting angry.  And it was apparent that she is playing a game with me.  Maybe not even on purpose, but it's a game nonetheless.  Mom just keeps throwing chores at me to see what sticks.  It's like she is pushing a button or pulling a string to get a reaction out of me.  The reaction she would prefer is that I give in and do what she asks.  But if I get angry or upset, she will take that as a win.  It's all about supply to her.  Mom's favorite supply is when I bow to her demands, but she will take whatever supply she can get.

One other thing I have noticed about her constant demands is that they are sometimes based on lies.  Last month, she started complaining that her light in her bedroom was out and could I come up to her apartment and put in a new bulb.  So I took a bulb over to her apartment and guess what?  The light was working fine.  I could tell by the look on her face that it had never been burned out.  She mumbled something about how the light had just started working again.  Yeah, sure!  But in mom's mind, she won something because instead of just picking her up, she had manipulated me into parking and coming upstairs to her apartment for absolutely no reason at all.  Yesterday was much of the same.  Mom claimed she had a check to deposit and wanted to drive through the bank.  Ok, I can do that.  Oh, but she left the check in her apartment which would mean driving back and me going upstairs to get it.  So I said no, we will put that on the list for next time.  Mom then lied and said the check HAD to be deposited this week.  Nope, checks are good for at least 60 days, there's no rush and I just repeated that we'd take care of it the next time I saw her.  She tried with several other little chores, too, and I just kept saying "next time."

Oh, and the new light fixture (in case you're wondering) is huge and heavy.  I kept very calm, but told Mom that she will need to hire a handyman as it's going to involve cutting a hole in her ceiling and anchoring the fixture and I can't do that for her.  She wasn't happy, but I refused to get into an argument with her.  I just kept repeating that it has to be done right or it could be a safety issue.

Well played.

One time I visited my father in AL and he wanted several things from the grocery store. So my husband and I run out to the store and find parking and lug all this stuff up to his apartment in AL and he asks if I brought him any ice cream.  Well no, he didn't have it on the list.  Ok, he tells me, I'll wait here while you go get it.  Stupid me actually did that and by the time I got back he forgot he had sent me back out for it.  After that I learned to say no.  I was not about to make 20 trips.  Tell me what you want and I will get it but if you forget anything it goes on my next visit.

[foggyme]

My mom's was taking a walk with her, or going somewhere entertaining (for her). I hated walking with her as I was a captive audience, and going to a restaurant with her (whilst visiting for the weekend) made no sense, I was having to fun. Refusing meant she would push all my buttons all at once until I snapped and yelled at her which degenerated into arguing. The result is that now I will not do anything that I don't want to for her. She is not allowed to even point a camera ar me or ask photographs (she always says 'send me some photos'). I don't even bother telling her I am not in the business of taking photos, for her or otherwise. I simply find this request annoying and refuse to make the effort.

[Andeza]

So I'm thinking the endless requests aren't ever going to stop. It's not in their nature to give up asking for this that and another. That leaves you with two options, let her continue wheedling time out of you, or smile and say, "sorry mom, I didn't build in enough time for extra stops/errands/tasks, I have a lot to get done today. .... Oh it's all boring stuff, you know how it is. Bye for now!" Then wave and walk away. As she's hollering more stuff she needs done at your back smile and wave some more and don't stop walking! Good luck Sneezy!

[Sneezy]

So I'm thinking the endless requests aren't ever going to stop. It's not in their nature to give up asking for this that and another. That leaves you with two options, let her continue wheedling time out of you, or smile and say, "sorry mom, I didn't build in enough time for extra stops/errands/tasks, I have a lot to get done today. .... Oh it's all boring stuff, you know how it is. Bye for now!" Then wave and walk away. As she's hollering more stuff she needs done at your back smile and wave some more and don't stop walking! Good luck Sneezy!

Yep, you are right - the requests will never stop.  And I am working on saying no with a smile.  But of course then the blame starts.  Remember the check that mom left in her apartment and that I wouldn't go back and get?  The next time I saw mom she couldn't even find the check.  But that is no longer the point.  The fact that I didn't go back and get her check when she wanted me to means that, not only did she not deposit this check (that she now can't find), but she didn't get the chance to withdraw any money and so *everyone else* went out to lunch yesterday to one of mom's favorite restaurants, but she couldn't go because she didn't have any money because I didn't take her to the bank.  Following her logic can be exhausting    I just ignored this whole complaint because obviously she could have gone to lunch and used a credit card or borrowed $20 from a friend.  She just wanted someone to blame something on.

[lkdrymom]

Did you ask why someone couldn't have taken her to the bank on the way to go to lunch? If she is able to go out to lunch why can't she go to the bank. Or do you have one of those parents who feel they cannot ask for a favor from their friends, but can demand servitude from their children?  I have a couple good stories on that.

[p123]

I've worked out that saving £5 is worth about 20 hours of my time in my Dads eyes. And hes got tons of money in the bank!

Oh and the grocery trips. I URGENTLY need so you'll have to visit - then its 5 items.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Taking up your time IS money in the bank to your father. It's supply. It's security. It's knowing you will perform on script. £5 is just the icing on the cake.