Processing that last come to Jesus meeting with Mom.

[Liketheducks]

I'm still processing some of the things said.   It's been almost a month later.  I'm in the midst of crazy work travel so I'm conveniently not available for more than VLC.    Mom has taken to texting all of FOO and my son with random messages every morning.....Happy Pizza Day, etc.   It is weird to me.   

One of the things that we discussed in our big sit down was how no one came to her when she had her heart attack.   About 4 years ago, she was traveling out of state visiting other relatives and unfortunately had a heart attack.   At the time, and unbeknownst to her, my H and I were in the midst of sorting out the aftermath of his affair.    I was a mess.   Having CPTSD from childhood trauma, and I made H into my "safe place"....not realizing that safe place had to be me.   (BTW, we did nearly 4 years of marriage counseling and have found a much better place.   It was the hardest thing I've every done.   And, I'm grateful for the husband he's become.   We're in a good place)   When I found out about the heart attack, I called.   It was the first contact we had had in nearly a year.   And, she yelled at me and got very upset.   I felt as if it wouldn't be helpful to either of us (me and mom) to be in the same room.    So, I had a couple of phone conversations with her all brief, non-committal, and gentle.   Looped my siblings in, and in the end she checked herself out of the hospital before anyone got to her.   She was well over a 12 hour drive away.

Flash forward to the come to Jesus meeting.   And, she knew about the affair.   She found out from a mutual friend.   It isn't exactly the best kept secret...small town and all.  She told all of my siblings.   They ALL knew.   And, they did nothing.   Now, I get that many would jump the "none of my business" band wagon.   But, in our come to Jesus conversation, Mom wanted to be sure to convey that she knew.   Why exactly?   She wasn't offering me any help then  And, not now.   It was almost like some kind of currency she had on me.      And yet, the expectation was that I should have dropped everything and rushed to her at the time.   Why is that ok.....but not providing some kind of support to your adult child in the midst of a major life crisis is not.   It really hits home that I'm still parentified.   The expectation is that I'm the one to take care of everyone else no matter what.      And, it is up to me to say No.   I'm gonna be judged for it.  But, I've got to.

It's left a really sour taste in my mouth about

[Sojourner17]

I think what you described is possibly one of the hardest parts about dealing with a parent who behaves in the ways that are described on this forum.  There is no support but expectation that we support them and drop everything to come to their aid whether it be physically or emotionally, spiritually or mentally.  It can be traumatic at worst, mentally taxing at best. 

I am very glad to hear that you and your husband have been able to get through what happened and that you were able to heal and grow as a couple.  Your moms inability to realize the difficulty you were experiencing and her inability to see the tough spot you were in at the time is sad and unfair.  I can only imagine the amount of pain, anguish and hardship you were going through. 

It sure is hard slugging sometimes but you are in a better space and taking actions and steps toward healing and growth.  I salute you!

[treesgrowslowly]

Liketheducks,

I think we have the same mother!  Mine would also be sure to tell me that she knew about something going on in my life, and NO awareness of what her actual role was in that situation (to support me, care for me, help me, protect me from harm?)...and it was very very confusing for me for a long time. I mean, all of her PD behaviour made no sense to me until I saw it through the NPD lens.

It was like SO gaslighting! "Oh yeah, I knew you were going through that hard time, I totally knew it". No shame...and no awareness of what their role was. I swear sometimes she was so dissociated she didn't even remember who she was talking to. Even then I would think to myself "No 'normal' parent talks to their child like this".

I would say that over the next while, more and more realizations are going to come over you. Because you were parentified, you were told all sorts of things about yourself, and about your mother, and you are now at a point in your life where you are going to have a lot of 'aha' moments about what was really going on during those times.

When I was going through this, the first few years after realizing my mom has NPD, I wish someone would have told me that those aha moments are nothing to be afraid of. I wish someone would have told me this, because I found the many 'aha' moments to be confusing and exhausting to process.

Her current behaviour- texting your family members with random, superficial messages, is very textbook NPD behaviour. People with NPD are emotionally immature - they are not going to do what you would do because they are not developed emotionally. It is odd to you, that she is texting people random superficial messages, because it is not something you would do. You're not an NPD. That is why her behaviours are so odd to you. Or at least part of it. It is very immature - it shows she has a real lack of awareness regarding healthy relating to others.

When she confuses people, she disorients them (i.e. with a "happy cupcake day" text), it makes it easier for her to get narc supply. I'm sorry - but that is all that this is. A very immature attempt at getting narc supply from people who have given it to her in the past (or people she believes she's entitled to access to).

Good for you for taking these steps. I've been following Patrick Teahan's posts and youtube quite a bit these days. He posts quite a bit about the parentified child. He tells it like it is. Those of us who were put into this role, will never be 'released' from it by the NPD parent. We have to say no. Like you said. It is up to us to put an end to the damage they continue to cause us. And it is not good for us to be in that parentified role. It costs us a lot, as I am sure you know.

Trees