Anyone else have their mental health condition weaponized against them?

[haribo_milchbaren]

I've been diagnosed in the past with depression (dysthymia, major depressive disorder, and seasonal affective disorder) and generalized anxiety disorder. Although the GAD only popped up situationally before I got together with STBX (for example, I used to have crippling anxiety surrounding driving, and have successfully gotten over it, kind of surprisingly with the support of STBX). But since getting together with STBX, all of these conditions have worsened to an alarming degree, including but not limited to having suicidal thoughts several years ago and checking myself into a mental hospital, and most recently, before moving out, having multiple panic attacks per day and crippling morning anxiety about nearly everything I can imagine.

Now, STBX claims that if only I could get the anxiety and panic under control, they would be able to be in better health and contribute more to the marriage, because it is affecting them greatly. I know that living with someone with a serious mental health condition is very difficult and very taxing. And I know that it has ended marriages. And I've always blamed myself for the problems it's caused us. I have made incredible amounts of progress in therapy over the past year (and have been committed to therapy even before that). But the issues that I've been wrestling with in therapy have been very difficult and related to childhood trauma. On the one hand, STBX has been very supportive with me with that. On the other hand, most of the issues I've been dealing with have to do with the affects of this trauma and how it relates to my uPD parent that STBX despises and has tried on many occasions in the past to force me to not see, even though I wanted to see them. And as STBX has a highly abusive uPD parent themselves, I suppose it's easy for them to sympathize. On the other hand, when the anxiety gets out of control and I am unable to express exactly how I'm feeling, or when I express what I'm anxious about and it is not something that STBX agrees with or something that angers them, the anxiety becomes an enormous problem, that is the cause of all the problems in our relationship.

When I was in the hospital, I hadn't really embarked on my journey of how to recognize my emotions and connected them with how I was feeling in my body, and the situation that was going on. I felt scared and confused and was only able to express surface issues that were causing me anxiety. STBX and I got in so many fights, and they were so angry all the time. They told me that they felt like a caged tiger. At the same time, a friend who has a much more serious mental illness (I believe schizoaffective disorder and bipolar) was also in the hospital, and noticed how loving, patient, and attentive their significant other was towards them. And mine was just yelling at me all the time for god knows what (although I was accused of hiding things from them, not making any sense, not appreciating the things they tried to help me with when I was home, and even for going to the hospital because they were angry that I didn't feel safe at home - safe in the sense of protecting myself from self-harm because they were doing sooo much for me and how could I still feel like this). I began to dread visits home on the weekend, which are supposed to ease you back into getting back home and give you a sense of comfort. I felt much more at ease and in control in the hospital, in fact. One time STBX was driving us to our favourite restaurant on the weekend, and they did a really dangerous road rage maneuvre (the pattern of dangerous road rage is another topic), and I immediately told them that I was scared and wanted to harm myself again, and they screamed at me because the person that cut them off or whatever was at fault, and why am I reacting this way, and he was going to turn the car around and go home because he’s done something nice for me and now this happens. When I was home for several days, my parent even told them that they need to be more patient and less angry with me, as I didn't grow up in a household with anger (like they did). Unfortunately STBX charmed my parent and assured them that they were just stressed, and would be gentler with me.

Interestingly, the multiple daily panic attacks have ceased, as well as the severe morning anxiety since I've been living away from them. I still have a lot of anxiety about the pending divorce and issues related to our relationship, but I'm actually able to feel a bit of a sense of normalcy. Before I left according to them, the last 4 years have been hellish to live with me, and particularly the last year (the one where I have made the most progress in therapy and they KNOW it). And after I asked for a divorce I pointed our that we had had many wonderful times recently, despite everything, and how could they think that literally every minute of our lives was misery? And of course they turned it around to ask if there were so many great times, why can't we make this work?

I think that my mental health conditions for STBX are a) something they can hold over my head for helping me with, and why don't I appreciate that help more? b) something that they can accept when they fall within certain parameters that they define c) something that is completely unacceptable when the anxiety is related to any subject about them, or when it doesn't fall within the parameters that they have deemed "acceptable" and d)  a means of manipulating me.

Most recently, STBX used it against me as a way to show that I didn't understand what was going on in the past with respect to anger and conflict. This is a huge sore point as I have always felt that STBX's anger is out of control, but I have also always had trouble working with emotions. But I KNOW that my gut said back then it was wrong, and it is STILL wrong now. I just have the words and perspective to define it now. They said that I couldn't recognize emotions very well, and including in myself, and if I couldn't do that, how could I possibly understand what was going on? I was completely overblowing all the situations, and even their friends agreed with him. And it is true that a lot of the work I've done in the past year is to recognize emotions, including in myself.

The thing I fear the most is that this will be weaponized against me in the divorce.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Oh Haribo, I can SO completely relate to this.

First of all, I'm sorry for your struggles with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I experience all of these myself and I am well aware how terrible it can be.

When we struggle with these things, one of the things we can use most is a loving, supportive spouse/SO in these situations. And of course, we can never get that with a PD person.

I remember years ago, when I was going through I serious season of panic attacks, a (well meaning) friend said to me, "lean hard on your wife. She's a lifeline. She'll help you through this. Cry with her, pour out your heart to her." It broke my heart to realize this was not an option for me, and it made me feel incredibly alone.

For PD individuals, power is a huge component of the way they operate. They're constantly looking for ways to have "power over" the people they are abusing. The sad reality is, mental health struggles are an easy way for them to have power over you. My wife regularly uses this against me...bringing up wounds from my childhood, or blaming interactions and situations on my anxiety. If I don't have the right response in a situation she'll regularly say things like, "see, if you weren't so anxious all the time, this wouldn't be an issue in our marriage." But just because you have these struggles, doesn't make it okay for them to use it against you. A loving, supportive spouse would not weaponize this against you...sure, maybe it would be hard for them, but they would not use it against you.

All these attacks against you, they're so typical for PD...saying you can't recognize emotions, saying you're the problem. Everything is just making you the source of all the problems so that nothing is their fault. It's so typical.

Here's an important reality you must realize: If your STBX has a PD, they have serious mental health issues themselves. PD people are sick. They are broken. They have serious issues going on. There is scientific evidence that there is something wrong with their brain chemistry. (I'm not saying this about your STBX, because I don't know them...I'm saying this about PD individuals in general). Your STBX can claim all day long that things would be better if you got your anxiety under control, but what about their own issues? Will they accept responsibility for those? Of course not.

That could be freeing for you: Yes, you have your issues, but remember that PD (Narcissism/BPD/etc) is a serious mental health condition with no known cure.

Yes, your STBX will weaponize your mental health issues in your divorce. There's no doubt about that. So what can you do about it? IMO, you have to work on yourself, and work on ways to not be triggered by that. You can't control what they say about you in a divorce...but you can control how you respond. I fully expect my uPDw to weaponize my failures and shortcomings in a divorce. My plan is to not react to those things, and just stand strong in what I know to be true. The truth is, I know now that my anxiety/panic attacks are not the cause of our marriage issues. The fundamental issue in our relationship is her PD. And the only solution to that is to not be with her. Can you say the same thing?

Your STBX can only hold your anxiety over your head if you let them. They can say it, but it doesn't mean you have to accept it.

OMG when I was in the hospital one of my friends told me that it's so great that I have a supportive spouse and was thinking in my head "oh man, if you only knew what was going on". That friend told me recently that he wished he'd known what was going on because they could have helped me more and that made me incredibly sad. I mean, STBX thinks they are supportive, and sometimes even is supportive (in the certain circumstances that I mentioned) but as mentioned, they get to decide the criteria upon which my anxiety or issues are worth supporting or when they are "ruining our marriage". And even when I have gotten legitimate support from them, they use it to hold over my head about how much they have supported me.

I do believe that my STBX has NPD which is why I'm posting here. They fall into so many of the typical PD patterns. But as you know, it almost never gets diagnosed. That is a good point, that I can remind myself that PDs are very serious mental health conditions. And not to mention, STBX doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with themselves, so they would unlikely get any help working on it anyway. I do care about STBX's well being still, and hope that they will get help eventually with their anger issues and childhood trauma at the very least. They are a very bitter person and it's really sad.

So I know that I have done some things wrong and hurt them. But I also know that I have been working on improving myself. And I believe that through that work on improving myself I've come to realize that even if I did things perfectly, that eventually there would be some hardship in our lives that would come up and the PD would rear its ugly head. I realized already that with my uPD parent, I was confused why things seemed to go so smoothly and nicely sometimes. But then they would just do the most horrible things. And it was always when I wasn't on my guard, the perfect people pleaser doing everything the way uPD parent liked that the problems would occur. And same with STBX. My default mode is people pleasing, and so things just were pretty much fine for quite some time...until they weren't. I am so good at setting up an ideal environment for the PDs in my life to get along with me, at my great expense. But I am learning to listen to my own gut and my own emotions now.

[JustKeepTrying]

HM - I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder and on and on.  I was having daily seizures and bouts of aphasia and my xOCPDh wanted to put me in a home at the age of 53. So yes, he did use it against me.  He justifies the divorce by calling me mental and well, "You know she just doesn't know what she's doing."  and on and on. 

It's through trauma therapy - and EMDR - that I finally got beyond it all.

But this fall I realized I did not process the biggest trauma of all and I ended up in a psych ward after a suicide attempt.  The flashbacks started and I just couldn't get away from them.  I finally processed the last of the big trauma and now for the first time in decades feel free.  Really truly free. 

Sure I still have trouble from time to time with depression and some of my behavior is cringy - but every day I am better than before.

What your PD spouse and the childhood trauma has done is totally screwed with your nervous system and coping strategies.  Your body really keeps the score and each time he yelled; or the parents did what they do - your body reacts.  It's going to take time and work to sort it all out.  Read the books; use the toolbox; journal and do the work.  I'm doing work from the book Whole Again and it is brutal.  And I don't want to do it, but I am and I know that I will find my way back by focusing on my body and my own emotions.

Kudos to you for doing the work!

[haribo_milchbaren]

One more comment: ironically, they can even use our healing and improving ourselves against us. After I was in therapy for a while and really feeling good about my improvements, she says, "so I guess you're perfect now and I have all the issues and you don't need to change anymore." 

It's truly crazymaking. Nothing you do will ever be enough, even self-improvement. They'll just move the goalposts.

Oh damn. I can totally envision STBX telling me that. Mine told me that I have "gotten worse in the past year" even though the past year is when I have made exponential progress in therapy.

[haribo_milchbaren]

HM - I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder and on and on.  I was having daily seizures and bouts of aphasia and my xOCPDh wanted to put me in a home at the age of 53. So yes, he did use it against me.  He justifies the divorce by calling me mental and well, "You know she just doesn't know what she's doing."  and on and on. 

It's through trauma therapy - and EMDR - that I finally got beyond it all.

But this fall I realized I did not process the biggest trauma of all and I ended up in a psych ward after a suicide attempt.  The flashbacks started and I just couldn't get away from them.  I finally processed the last of the big trauma and now for the first time in decades feel free.  Really truly free. 

Sure I still have trouble from time to time with depression and some of my behavior is cringy - but every day I am better than before.

What your PD spouse and the childhood trauma has done is totally screwed with your nervous system and coping strategies.  Your body really keeps the score and each time he yelled; or the parents did what they do - your body reacts.  It's going to take time and work to sort it all out.  Read the books; use the toolbox; journal and do the work.  I'm doing work from the book Whole Again and it is brutal.  And I don't want to do it, but I am and I know that I will find my way back by focusing on my body and my own emotions.

Kudos to you for doing the work!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3 This is not easy work. Not easy at all. I have been considering EMDR but just need to find a practitioner. Do you find it helps with PD abuse? I heard that it works best with specific incidents of abuse/trauma, and less well with cPTSD. Still, Christmastime triggers me very badly due to all the horrendous crap that went down over multiple years of Christmases, and the stay in the hospital was very traumatic, so I've been thinking at the very least it might be able to help me with those.

[JustKeepTrying]

Good question and probably what is at the core of why EMDR can get a bad rap. 

Here is my experience - I met with my trauma therapist every week for six months before our first emdr session.  We built a relationship of trust so that I could fully embrace the frankly emotionally horrifying emdr session.  You relive the experience over and over until your brain is rewired.  She said when I was ready to do the first session, I would approach her and I would know the memory I wanted to work with.  And I did.  My daily seizures stopped that day and I have not any bouts of aphasia since then. It was like I took this huge step Out of the FOG and I could see my life for what it was - untenable.

I processed about six or seven hugely traumatic events and the remainder of our session were dealing with the fall out of the divorce.

Do not compare your trauma to others like those in war or physically abusive relationships.  Your trauma is your own and it is no small thing.  I am still processing the daily traumas - put downs - sneers - snide - gaslighting - and I am using other tools.  My T calls this journey one filled with lots of tools to address this squeak or that wobble.  And when I am done with this part of the journey, there will be something else somewhere else and all of that is ok.  Same for you.  It is all ok.

[IsYourNameNotBruce?]

Hi Haribo. I'm glad to hear your daily panic attacks have ceased. These experiences sound very difficult. I know they are because I'm going through much of the same currently. Though at this point I'm still trying to work things out with my OPCDw. You're not alone in how you feel about your STBX has been treating you.

All the family and friends around us that see them as a much different person... perfect, supportive, amazing... but don't see the private treatment... It can be heartbreaking and incredibly lonely.

My OPCDw has used my untreated trauma, childhood stuff, depression to create chaos in our relationship this year. I'm in therapy, on meds, and working on "my stuff" daily. She's said multiple times things like she misses the old me and criticizes my healing/therapy while also talking about how amazingly supportive of me and that work she is and even tries to guide it (control) it for me.

And I appreciate JustKeepTrying commenting about EMDR. I'm working on getting that started too but have been trying to pace myself with healing process and afraid of what the EMDR could bring up for me.

I wish you well on your journey ahead. I have belief it gets better when we're taking the healthy steps like you are.

[Matilda]

Always and regularly  My mom is an addict and I'm a survivor of child sex abuse.

Whenever I call him out on his disrespectful behavior, he gets angry. Then he starts with the low blows. "Don't take your anger your mom out on me".

I'm working on boundaries, but when I try to enforce it, he blows up at me.

If I ignore and go "Grey rock" on him, he needles me until he hits the spot where I snap. Enter, reactive abuse.

The abuse cycle before this current one (2 weeks ago)  he was drunk. Tried to go into another room to get away from him. He followed me. Then started drinking some more, all the while going lower and lower trying to provoke me into losing my sh*t. I wouldn't and he was getting more and more nasty. I felt scared so I left to a hotel for the weekend.

The ENTIRE time he brought up my past, my abuse, my mental health issues,  and the more I ignored him the worse it got. Until he finally passed out.

Leaving has given him another means of abusing me by reminding me that I had said one time that people don't leave when they're fighting. So I was a "liar" then he accused me of cheating on him at the hotel. And he was so glad HE could pay for my affair (we have a joint account). And on and on.

They have no bottom. Nothing is sacred. Any weakness or vulnerability you reveal to them during the process of creating emotional intimacy will be subject to use against you. I'm sorry you are going through this.