Understanding leads to healing

[Yorfro]

I was married to someone with a PD for more than a decade.  We married very quickly at a young age, and while I recognized that his behavior was hurtful, I naively assumed that I could "fix" the problem by being a better partner.  It took me years to recognize the abuse for what it was, and by that point we had a child together and I felt like I COULDN'T leave.  If I did, he would kill himself...  He told me as such, and there were many times where he tried because I had "failed" him in some way.  He jumped from many different mental health professionals and had a wild range of diagnoses as a result:  depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, bipolar, bpd, narcolepsy, Tourette's, schizophrenia, DID...  It was difficult to keep up, understand the "why", and provide the support he needed.  I really tried though.  When he wasn't down on himself or lashing out at me and our son, he would go on and on about how I was his "rock" and so good to him.  Then without a word of warning, he left.  He tells people he left because of abuse and makes bizarre and easily disproven accusations against me. 

I've come to understand this is likely a result of the "splitting" phenomenon that BPD go through.  Reading about BPD has shed a lot of light on his behavior throughout the relationship.  It became even more apparent as I began reading through our things like our message history (which I needed to do to disprove some of the accusations).  It was like someone wrote a book about the disorder and wanted to make it as cartoonishly obvious as possible that their character was Borderline.  I wish I had asked more questions when he first got the diagnosis all those years ago, but I guess I didn't know enough to realize that this one particular doctor finally saw what the others didn't.  I didn't understand then, but it's still not to late.  I feel like I finally have the answers to my years of "whys"?  It's helping me realize the things that weren't my fault.  I've been able to make sense of and accept that our divorce is for the best.  And most importantly, it's helping me navigate an increasingly hostile divorce and co-parenting situation.  I hope that coming here will help me continue to learn, heal, and gain the strength to stay away from this type of relationship in the future.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to the right place. You might want to study the Toolbox and the separating and divorcing tab. I agree that it might be a blessing that he left you. Now the real work begins for you- how can you stay out of similar relationships? It begins with healing the damage you have suffered in this relationship. 
See you around on the boards!