No “honeymoon” period in the “cycle”?

[Matilda]

Hi there!

First, I know I'm in an abusive relationship. I'm doing the internal work (this is part of it) to get to the point where I can leave. I have a history of child sex abuse and I'm the adult child of an addict. I came to this relationship with a Louis Vuitton steamer trunk of issues.

That said, it never ceases to amaze me how after my BF has been verbally and psychologically abusive to me, there is no "good" periods of time.

Example, I found out he was lying to me about buying cigarettes. He's "trying" to quit. He rides me about money CONSTANTLY. So browsing our account, I asked him about some purchases. I gave him plenty of opportunity to tell me the truth, he didn't. I asked if his recent irritability and snapping at me could be relayed to nicotine withdrawal. "Oh sure, it's MY fault. Maybe you're just reading into things". I know when people quit smoking they rage. My mom almost killed me after 2 days without smoking.  Anyway, I knew better.

Next morning, I find a new pack of cigs in his lunchbox. I leave them out w/ a note. He comes out of the shower, sees them sitting there and starts laughing.

Then he rages at ME because ALL he did was "buy a pack of cigs" and mocking me "oh yes, poor you, I bought a pack of cigs". He didn't recognize, despite several conversations about lying in the past, that the cigs weren't the issue. The LYING was the issue. Especially when he has ample opportunity to tell me the truth. Then he starts on guilt. "I'm tryin to quit and I failed. I'm embarrassed and didn't want to tell you". Then when I say there's no excuse he calls me "selfish and only thinking about myself" and storms off to work.

After not speaking the entire day, he comes home, we set up in different rooms, and the FIRST words out of his mouth are antagonistic and baiting. I said I was going to bed and needed him to come out to the living room. "So you're going to bed right? You aren't going to do anything else?" Well I might watch TV. "But you SAID you were going to go to BED. So if you watch TV, you'll be lying. Probably just going to go get on your phone" So? Are you going to be on your phone? "Probably". Ok. Is there anything wrong with that? "But if you are on your phone you are lying because you SAID you were going to go to bed. Liar". How can I be a liar? I haven't even gotten to the bedroom yet. I don't know if I'm going to be on my phone. One of my five children or my mother or my brother (Mom's having a crisis) might text me. Is there a problem with being on the phone? "But you'd be lying because you said you were going to bed"  Gah.

He kept focusing on how I'd be a liar if I did anything other than do to sleep. I was asking what was wrong with me being on the phone if he was on the phone. He kept trying to pin me down as a liar. I finally resorted to playing his favorite game, semantics. I said, "I didn't say I was going to SLEEP did I? " and he didn't say a word after that.

He said he was sorry once. When I wouldn't accept  it, he gets angry and retaliates. And going forward there will be NO attempts to suck up, promise to be different, anything. And if I try to have a normal discussion about what happened, he gets angry that I've brought it up. The typical cycle is that he says nothing to me for days or is nasty. Then it's conversation about everyday stuff. Then after 3 nights in the living room on the crappy air mattress he will ask if he can sleep in the bed because his neck/back/head hurt. And I know if I say no or try to address the main issue, he will restart attack mode  so
I resign. He thinks everything is fine and dandy. Nothing changes. And we go on that way until the next time he lies or is hateful or disrespectful to me and I try and stand up for myself.

For all of the misery he has caused me in the last 7 yrs, not once have I gotten the honeymoon period. No matter how fake and calculated the affection and platitudes might be, I still feel like I deserve at least that. Then I snap back into reality and realize what I'm saying!!

Am I really an abused woman who is complaining that her abusive partner doesn't suck up after abusive episodes??? Am I really WISHING for that??? How messed up am I that I'd be seemingly willing to ACCEPT even that little from someone??? Not even just crumbs!!! But already eaten, vomited up crumbs!!!! How pathetic am I?? How awful is HE?!?

[notrightinthehead]

....."Am I really an abused woman who is complaining that her abusive partner doesn't suck up after abusive episodes??? Am I really WISHING for that??? How messed up am I that I'd be seemingly willing to ACCEPT even that little from someone??? Not even just crumbs!!! But already eaten, vomited up crumbs!!!! How pathetic am I??"......

How painful that realization must be!  I am so sorry. It's so shocking when the fog lifts. And some of us stay stuck in this phase seeing the reality of the situation but unwilling or unable to act on it. So beaten down by all the abuse that there is just enough energy to vent but not enough to implement changes of ones own behaviour. I so wish for you that you will join us on our journey Out of the FOG.

[Matilda]

Thank you. That's where I am now. So clear but completely immobilized and I don't know why. I don't know where the block is. Every attempt at a conversation to sort things out devolves and it becomes more and more apparent to me that this will never change. He won't change. So I have to change. I tried. I tried so hard to be heard, understood and to understand HIM. It just will never happen. And I'm so sad for how much we both have lost.

[notrightinthehead]

And it is sad. The best you can do now is to accept reality and begin to ask yourself if that is what you want for your future.

[Gwendolyn]

 


Matilda my dear, my heart goes out to you.  These revelations are so difficult..and in many ways..we weren't ready to see them sooner because maybe that revelation would have crushed us.

Now that the fog is lifting a bit and you see that none of your efforts and none of the abuse you've endured has created any positive change FOR YOU... you have arrived at this forum where people  will truly understand your struggle.

In my early days of coming Out of the FOG, and with some good counseling, I was advised to work on myself first before focusing on my marriage.  I started to see that shame and guilt and fear of male anger was keeping me frozen and stuck in servitude to a man who had changed so much over the years I barely recognized him anymore.

I can't advise you on concrete steps but I will remind you to be very careful about passwords and website browsing history and about your plans.  Be sure and read the toolkit as well.

I practice "medium chill" alot and since my husband is an alcoholic coming home late and argumentative,  I have a separate bedroom now and I don't engage with him when he's like that.  I go to online al-anon meetings and try to keep more contact with my friends and I try to settle my nerves so I can think straight about my situation.

A resource I have found really helpful is:

survivorsforum.womensaid.
org.uk/

Oftentimes we don't recognize the abuse at first and reading the stories of other women has-been really helpful for me.

I have a more awkwardly quiet relationship with hubby now but it's still better than the endless rants and circular arguments that only left me feeling worse.  I swear he doesn't even know what he was talking about the next day anyways..so why expose  myself to that?

We deserve peaceful homes.

Sending encouragement whatever you decide.  The only thing that can change is us.  If love could change them, they would have got better by now.



Big hug to you sister.

Welcome to Out of the FOG

Gwendolyn