Stubborn elderly mother lashing out

[Stressedout]

I am at my wits end with my mum. She and my dad are both in their 80s, and the last few years especially have been nothing short of hell!

I grew up with my mum's regular mood swings and outbursts, usually followed by a silent treatment. She would literally start an argument out of thin air and provoke me until it was impossible not to react. My dad would say every argument was my problem for reacting to her. If I tried to make it up, I'd be told she will only speak to me if I apologise. Sometimes this was after a character assassination of me. Before I realised she had a problem, I was so desperate for her to talk to me again and accept me, I'd take anything off her. I now realise this was abuse and this wasn't normal behaviour.

I am in my 40s and have tried my best to manage the relationship, and have been LC, so we can have some type of relationship given their age. It is difficult as my mum is hypersensitive and looks for offence in everything. They are living in an inaccessible house in middle of nowhere, and my mum is martyring herself and normalising everything that is going wrong with my dad. There have been red flags for dementia, and apparently 'us young ones are forgetful'  

This morning on the phone she started moaning about something and went flying down my throat when I suggested a solution. She went off the scale completely. I ended up having to put the phone down on her. Not before getting the usual accusation of me having mental health problems  

I am mentally done with her attitude, her huffs, and accusations of me being mentally ill.

[SunnyMeadow]

This sounds incredibly difficult to put up with Stressedout.

One thing I found out after years of listening to similar stuff from my mom, she didn't want a solution. Wouldn't take or put into action even the most fantastic solution I could come up with. She got annoyed when I'd suggest things. She only wanted to rant and complain but not fix the problem. Maybe your mother is the same. I stopped twisting myself all up in knots trying to help her. She didn't want help, only wanted to waste my time rehashing the situation and moan about others. I'd let her go on a bit if I had a minute then made up an excuse that I had to get off the phone. My responses would be "oh no" or "that's a shame", something generic.

I also started ending the calls when she'd get rude. I didn't have to put up with her nonsense and poor treatment and you don't either. LC is good, I did that too. Less and less the meaner she was. Dealing with these kind of parent is so difficult.

[bloomie]

Stressedout - I see you are new here and want to welcome you to the community. I am glad you reached out and hope you find your time here to be of great validation and support!

SunnyMeadow wisely pointed you toward a response to this kind of behavior that we call Medium Chill. What has happened with me when faced with a thin skinned, looking for an offense elder determined to have the hardest life on the planet who is wallowing in their misery and attention seeking in this way, is that when I begin to use Medium Chill or MC for short, I also find myself setting inner boundaries around how far I emotionally engage.

Some other thoughts are to call her less often or use email to stay connected and yes...not allowing yourself to be spoken to disrespectfully by getting off the phone as soon as she starts in on you as you did. Bravo!

In the meantime, make good use of the resources at the drop down menus above. The toolbox is filled with what to do kinds of strategies that I have learned to put in my imaginary tool belt and that have served me well in general as well as specifically with hurtful family members.

It can sting for days after an encounter like this. I am very sorry your mother treated you this way as you attempted to help her. You don't deserve such treatment.

I want to offer hope that as we learn to set boundaries, adjust the frequency and duration of conversations, leave conversations that are verbally disrespectful and when faced with Silent Treatment, which I suspect you may experience because you ended the conversation and put a stop to your mother's abusive talk, we learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

You are here with fellow travelers who are breaking embedded patterns of harmful, caustic, dysfunctional interactions within their families by changing the only thing we ever can, ourselves.

Looking forward to supporting you as you share. 🦋

[Stressedout]

Thank you both so much for your kind replies. It is comforting to hear words from others who know what I am talking about.
I am just feeling so mentally drained by it all, and stuck about what to do for the best.

[moglow]

StressedOut, add me to that list - what you and my friends above have shared has been very much my experience as well. Meltdowns and drama out of thin air and moonbeam? Check. Silent treatment [referred to as "silent treat" by some of our members, since it can honestly be a relief from the misery!] when things don't go her way - and I'm supposed to know exactly and precisely what that is, how it's to be accomplished AND her internal timetable. Check. Because the world revolves around her and her stuff and others simply don't matter. Offer honest and straightforward advice or suggestions and it's either incredibly stupid or I "have no idea what she's dealing with," all while she throws up imaginary roadblocks and reasons it won't work. Doom gloom and misery, day after day. And she likes it that way, but insists on trying to drag others into it.

Like you, I did it for years/decades. Eventually I started realizing what it was doing to me, the recovery time I needed after a visit or phone call from her. The awful stomach upsets and headaches, sleepless nights etc. The body really does tell the tale. After she'd been particularly venomous phone call after phone call for months, I stopped returning calls for a while. Stopped soaking it in, stopped trying to appease her. And I gradually felt better, then MUCH better. I realized that if I don't call and it's not a holiday/birthday, she doesn't call. So that's where we are now, very occasional calls that do little more than fill the air for a few minues - and I'm okay with it finally.

I do feel for mother, she's in her 80s and has narrowed her world down to a nub. Of her four children and five grands, she regularly speaks to one, the golden child from as far back as I can remember. Thing is, she did it to herself and worked hard at pushing everyone away with the relentless abuse on varying levels. Much as I realize she probably needs help, I can't think of any way she'll accept it much less tell anyone what's needed. I could see her demanding that we FIX THIS! as if we can wave that magic wand and it's all DONE.

It's not easy, but logical me says "what really did she/they expect, after treating people so abysmally all their lives?" We still have to protect and care for ourselves, put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, if you will.

[Sneezy]

Stressedout - Your mom thrives on drama.  She needs drama to survive.  All the horrible feelings and never-ending complaining are her narcissistic supply.  Drama is air to her.  She provokes you because your reaction is her supply.  And no, she does not want a solution to any problem, because it is the constant complaining (along with sucking up your time and obtaining your pity) that also supplies her.  The next best thing, after drama, is information.  Information is currency to your mom because information can be used to create drama.  So be careful what you share with her.  If you haven't already done so, you will want to put your mom on a strict information diet.  Because anything you say can and will be used to stir the pot in the future.

As others have pointed out, medium chill and boundaries are very helpful.  Decide what you are and are not willing to do for your mom and what behavior you will and will not tolerate.  As moglow says, listen to your body.  When you are feeling stressed and sad and angry, then you will know that it's time to set a boundary.  I've had to cut back on coffee and stock up on CBD-tea just so I can sleep at night after spending time with my mom.  She is an emotional vampire who lives to make others (often me) miserable, because misery sustains her.

Setting boundaries can be really tough, though, so be gentle with yourself.  Start out slow.  One of the best boundaries I ever set is for myself - I rarely, if ever, answer my mom's phone calls.  I let the calls go to voicemail and then I listen to the message and then I take a breath and think about it for a while and decide if/when I really need to call back.  This may be a place you can start.  Just pretend it's the good old days before voicemail and cell phones and call logs.  Way back then, someone could call over and over, but if you weren't home, you weren't home and you wouldn't even know they called.  The expectation that we all have to be available all the time is simply ridiculous!

Good luck and be sure to post here whenever you need to vent or ask for advice.  It is amazing how many of us have parents with such similar behaviors.  It's like they are all reading out of the same instruction manual 

[moglow]

One of the best boundaries I ever set is for myself - I rarely, if ever, answer my mom's phone calls.  I let the calls go to voicemail and then I listen to the message and then I take a breath and think about it for a while and decide if/when I really need to call back.  This may be a place you can start.  Just pretend it's the good old days before voicemail and cell phones and call logs.  Way back then, someone could call over and over, but if you weren't home, you weren't home and you wouldn't even know they called.  The expectation that we all have to be available all the time is simply ridiculous!

Excellent point! Mine had some kind of super sonic radar that always honed in on me when I wasn't quite right, stressed, sick, or just feeling less than in some way. Ate it up like it was ice cream and candy, she did. She didn't offer any support or compassion but dragged me down further and metaphorically beat me over the head with it. I learned to not talk to or answer her calls unless I was well rested, fed, stable, happy. All her calls went straight to voicemail - I didn't/don't call back unless she leaves a message, and even then it's not guaranteed. I regretted it every time I went against my gut and immediately jumped through the hoops she threw out there.

[monamurre]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It can be so hard to watch parents age and get to the point of needing assistance only to have them bat away any kind of help or suggestions. 

I went through this with my mom over a period of years as her health and capabilities declined. In her last 6 months she was diagnosed with cancer and it was clear that she was no longer physically able to get around her ancient cabin (which had no central heating, only a wood stove). I am an only child and I felt completely on the spot to get her into a better living situation. Well, you can imagine how those conversations went! I was so angry and dumbfounded about why she would make a difficult situation harder EVERY. TIME. until I realized the personality disorder was driving the bus and it wasn't really about solving the problem.

The only advice I can give is what folks have already said. She doesn't want a solution, she wants attention for the problem. I ended up putting the few things I could into motion to help my mom (this was very little as I didn't have any kind of legal authority to make decisions for her), making my opinion about what she needed to change very clear, and then setting boundaries with her. Those boundaries sounded something like this:

Mom: Calls hysterical some problem I've tried to help with in the past
Me: I told you, there is a solution, I think you need to do XYZ, have you tried that?
Mom: Gets huffy, or hangs up
Me: Moves on with my day

With my mom it was a game of chicken, she was willing to put her health and safety at risk to see who would come running to save her. Then when nobody did she had great fodder for her victim narrative. I tried for years to "rescue" her from this, that and the other until I caught on that "helping" only seemed to piss her off more. It felt ice cold, but I finally made it clear that I would not come running to save her from preventable problems. I hate to say this, but in our case, it only got worse until she died. She made one stupid decision after another right up to refusing to sign hospice papers in the hospital. It was gut-wrenching to watch, but a really, really good lesson in the fact that you can't control other people's decisions.

[lkdrymom]

I agree with what everyone else here said.  My father would call me and every call started with the words "I've got a problem".   Not even a HELLO.  And if I fixed his problem he'd call the next day and ask if I was sure I fixed it.  Maybe I should call whoever and make sure.  Like I had nothing else to do.  They thrive on drama and quite frankly have nothing else going on in their lives that they try and create drama....which is fine if they kept it to themselves, but we all know they like to share their drama with us.

You can't change her, only how you react.  If she starts to raise her voice on a call tell her she is obviously upset so you will end the call and talk to her when she is in a better mood.  Then HANG UP.  You may have to do this 10 times before she starts to catch on. We have to teach others how to treat us.  If she calls with some crisis don't immediately jump on your white horse and start riding to her rescue.  Ask her what she plans on doing about the crisis.  Stop making her problems yours.  Her issues do not need to be your issues.