Facing the next month

[Sojourner17]

I think I posted a few weeks ago about my dad falling and breaking his hip.  He came home a few weeks ago.  I think its been pretty hard for him as he told me that he didnt have much appetite and seemed to be failing a bit mentally.  He's perked up a bit since then but told me today that unpdm has been upset at him because he hasnt had the motivation to get up and walk around all that much.  Now, my dad is a minimizer so his saying  mom being upset could mean almost anything.    To top it off my mom has taken on taking care of my youngest sisters three children (age 1.5, 3 and 8) who have been very sick for about a week.

What has happened since then has been quite a blow.  My sister in law died just over a week ago.  She was my husbands younger sibling.  As a result my husband will be flying overseas for a couple of weeks to be with family and do some grieving.  So I will be single parenting for a few weeks.  Ive done it before,  its not fun, but we get through.  Our middle son is taking daddy going pretty hard.  He is very attached to my  husband and struggled last year when my husband went for almost a month.  Im tired already but we made the decision to just really slow down on school while he is gone and make room for a lot of fun activities and plays with friends.

We told my parents a week ago what was going on.  I was mostly phoning to check in on dad and see if there was improvement/gathering info so that we could prioritize what should happen first (going to see my family first or waiting until after my husband gets back).  Mom said its been really hard and we need to get out to see them (of course) and said, Sojourner cant you drop off your husband and then come out to visit us?  Do you want to go with him?  we have money if you want to go with him. She even said that they would take care of the boys if I wanted to go with him (yeah...NO!)   I tried to keep very non committal and tried hard to keep emotions in check.  So basically, they have $ to help but there are strings attached.  We told them that we are fine and do not need $ (even though it would offset an unexpected expense).  Then she said that things have been hard with dad being hurt and the kids and that while they have a lot of support from friends its just not the same as having family there. 

I was talking to my dad this morning.  Apparently my parents have house repairs to do this spring (fairly costly ones) and dad says things are going well with the kids but they are worn out.  It was a really awkward conversation as so many things were NOT being said.  As in "sojourner could you and your hubby come out and help with repairs?" or "sojourner, we will be ok, you have a lot on your plate too". Instead it was just this stunted, awkward silence with statements being made about calling mom as she would really like that, and house repairs...with no plan for doing them past it needs to be done this spring/year.

What I'm finding hard right now is this...how my life is being somewhat mirrored by my parents.  AS in, stressful situations happening (dad's hip, my hubby's sister) and how we are both caring for 3 kids.  My hubby pointed out that yes,  there are similarities but in our case our three kids are OUR responsibility.  in my parents case they CHOSE to take this on (albeit to help my sister).  But what is hard is, I cant SAY to them how I'm finding things hard because you know...they have it HARDER.  (broken hip, house repairs, taking care of 3 kids and being  75 and 80 years old) 

So, I will deal with my husband being on the other side of the world and travelling a very long distance, and take care of my boys in the meantime and try to not let the stuff that is happening 10 hours drive away with my parents rattle the resolve and strength I have left to do the job I need to do.   

[Sojourner17]

Ugh, I write all that and then the thoughts that pop into my mind is that my parents do have it worse than I do. 
I'm so blessed. I've got three lovely healthy happy children, a wonderful husband, the ability to stay home and homeschool, great friends, a strong mind and body.  Many many blessings!

I can't let this lead to making assumptions, and "should have" type statements in regards to how my mom interacts with me or let my imagination make up drama that might be, could possibly be there lurking but may not actually happen.

I want to wallow in self pity/woe is me, but it won't do me a lick of good.  So I will look at the month ahead and just take it a day at a time and try my best to do my job and not let my imagination or feelings get the better of me.

[Jolie40]

Sojourner
hi
it makes no sense that your younger sister would give her 3 young kids to a 75 & 80 year old to watch especially with the health issues! what is she thinking? she needs to get those 3 kids back immediately & if she needs help, hire a sitter....she is taking advantage of your parents

next you have your hands full until your husband comes home so don't even think of adding extra stress by going to parents while husband is away

my husband used to travel for work & so I know how hard it is! ......& I only have one kid
whenever husbands are away, something always happens! kids get sick, garage door gets stuck, washing machine breaks, etc

just take care of you & kids while he's away ......best to you

[Sojourner17]

Jolie40,  thank you for the reply.  What is happening with my DS and my unpdm is the result of years of bad choices and mismanaged priorities on both sides. 

I have been fortunate that so far when my hubby goes nothing big happens but I totally get what you say.  The daily routine IS much harder when he isn't here as there is no reprieve. 

My hubby and I were talking about it more last night.  He said that my relationship with unpdm takes both of us.  As in it's the same thing as with my sister.  There are two people in the relationship with years of "stuff" (abuse, mismanaged priorities, allowance of broken boundaries, drama stirring) that is creating problems.  I'm still trying to sort out my side of it and trying to figure out changes that I can practically make. 

Yes, I have no plan to go to see my family while hubby is gone.  That would only serve my moms priorities.  We will go at some point when he returns and we are able.

I still can't figure out how to cut the emotional ties or pull towards the drama.  I'm starting to "see" it but I'm still having the same pull and reaction in my body and mind to it as if I were physically right there. 
That's where my stuff lies in how I deal or dance in the relationship.  I feel like a puppet on emotional strings and I'd very much like to have the strings cut. I just can't seem to reach up and cut them. 

[Leonor]

Hi Sojourner,

Oh boy I am sorry your parents are so self-centered. Your husband is traveling because of a death in his family, leaving you alone with three kids, and you take time to call to express kindness and all they do is talk about their "troubles"?

Nonsense. If they have money, they can hire someone, like a visiting nurse or handyman or a babysitter to help out. It sounds to me like they want you to go with your kids (?) so they don't have to take care of making a phone call ... you can do the work!

Which, of course, you can't -- even if you were single, childless and insanely wealthy. Are you going to trim their tree branches, paint their siding, give your dad occupational therapy, cut up fresh veggie fruit snacks and listen to your mom all day long?

So don't feel guilty, what they're asking is irrational. It's not realistic and it's not safe. It's a silly, risky ploy to get you back under their thumb.

I am rowing in the boat beside you, with a dh overseas and 3 kids running amok. They're older, but that just means they need rides more places and eat a ridiculous amount of food. I give myself a break on routines. Let's stay up late and sleep in. Let's have uninterrupted screen time so I can take a nap. Let's order pizza for lunch and eat leftovers for dinner. My new favorite detergent is febreeze!

I mean, three kids broke Marie Kondo! Are you Marie Kondo? If not, don't look now, but the woman who made tidying a global obsession gave up after the birth of her 3rd kid, and she actually is insanely wealthy -- she could have an entire squadron of chefs and nannies and housekeepers if she wanted.

You bundle up with your kiddos and comfort and laugh with each other while dad is gone. He'll be back soon ... Have fun making messy homemade cards and care packages to send him.

If mom calls, oh sorry, I'm covered in glitter oh mom hi hey I've got cookies in the oven, let's talk later ...