Hello! My elderly mom (alive) has bpd and my late ex husband

[LikeTheSea]

had a pd.  He caused many problems for me, but died a few years ago.  His death was a relief.

Have joined due to a neighbor who may have pd. They were good friends with my ex. I wish the pd train would stop coming near me.

Thanks!

[xredshoesx]

welcome and i am glad you found us to help you navigate relationships with people like your mother who you may not have a choice to be around, and to make people like your neighbor easier to deal with when they cross your path.

the one take away i've gotten from here over the years is that my boundaries make being around difficult people a lot more easier.  for me, it was mostly learning how to say no.  for you, boundaries will look different as you decide when/ where and what are the things you will simply no longer tolerate from other folks (uPD/ PD or not).

see you on the boards!

[SonofThunder]

Hello LikeTheSea,

Another warm welcome here, and mirroring xredshoesx, looking forward to joining in conversations with you on the boards.  Im sorry to read you have suffered both a PD spouse in the past and a PD elderly mother who is still living.  Heaped on that you believe you have a PD neighbor.  Yes, I agree, it seems we non-PD's are surrounded by these difficult people. 

With regard to the neighbor being a PD and also friends with your late husband, its interesting how the old saying 'misery loves company' seems to be true in situations such as this, and two difficult people can carefully and manipulatively pretend to be surface-amicable. I also believe that us non's, being the highly caring, giving, sympathetic and empathetic people we have been groomed to become, works like a magnet to these needy people. 

My user-needy uPDfather chose and groomed my 'caretaker' mother. My caretaker mother groomed me (by coaching me as I modeled her) to be a caretaker as well.  My user-needy uPDwife chose me for the same reason.  She had an abusive mother and her sister is a PD also. Similar to you, they seem to be all around me, but imo, its because the caretaker attributes act as a host to the parasite traits of a PD, and 'misery loves company'.

The key imo, to breaking the repetitive nature of PD-collecting is removing the unbalanced caretaker traits from ourselves. When that occurs, the parasites lose their hosts, and although turn to victimization, they eventually must find another host to their endless needs. 

I like to recommend all new folks here at Out of the FOG, pitch their tent at the toolbox tab in the above right of every page, and start absorbing.  Also, if you believe you have been the unfortunate servant-host of multiple PD's in your life, I want to recommend the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist' by Fjelstad.  That book was a game-changer for me, as it surprisingly had me look deeply into myself, both as a player in the past hardship of my perfect storm, but also the key future solution to improving my life going forward.   

Again welcome, and see you around the boards.  You are in good and understanding company.  You are not alone! 

SoT