New here, Happy to join!

[Ingwer]

Hello everyone,

I imagine so many of you felt like I did to have found this forum. A tiny piece of hope, relief, a sense that you're not alone.

Allow me to share a little bit of my story; my husband and I decided to marry after a few months of rich friendship and a very short romantic relationship. We wanted to stay together without interrupted by my visa situations —we're an international couple living in the country where he has permanent residency— and COVID restrictions.

Soon after I moved in with him, the challenges started to emerge. His impatience, extremely low stress resilience, and struggle in emotional regulation made me think he's probably on autism spectrum. (Guessed from my first-hand experience living with autistic people.) It was becoming more concerning to see what I hadn't seen before marrying him.

I began to suspect he might have PD because of his antisocial behaviours (e.g. punching or throwing things to cars that didn't slow down while passing by him, and he thinks it's acceptable), aggression (mostly verbally, but he does express anger in a violent way), and lack of morals and affective empathy. When swept away with intense emotions, he says and does hurtful things to me. He hasn't physically attacked me, but there were more than a few times my physical safety was threatened by his behaviour. (Except that he accidentally head-butts, kicks, or elbows me — I wonder if it's a trait of some disorder, too.)

His therapist has recently told him that he might have compound PD, strong distrust, and massive loneliness. He's not diagnosed at this point, but he mentioned he 'had NPD before'. Considering his excessive use of the word 'stupid' to things and people, it's possible he still has it.

He loves me and wants to fix our already fragile relationship. I've been struggling with the severe health issues for most of our married life so far —therefore I'm dependant on him financially and in some other ways—, and normally he's caring and helping. But it's when we're vulnerable when cruel words and behaviours hurt the most. He thinks his only issue is the anger issue and low stress threshold, but hasn't really been working on it, blaming the therapist for being incapable. All he can do is just wait for people (me) and the situation to change. I'm exhausted and it doesn't seem like there's a hope unless he faces his core issues and recognises how he sees things are sometimes distorted.

We've been seeing a couple therapist for a few months now, and I've been seeing my therapist to work on my challenges as well. Since my go-to crisis chat support (international, 24/7) is no longer available, I've been desperate and alone. I'm so glad I've found this forum.

Hoping to share experiences and solidarity with you.
Thanks!

[Ingwer]

Thank you for your welcoming message and advices, user!

Yes, I've been discussing with my therapist how to keep myself safe. The first link didn't work, but I checked the second one. I appreciate your sharing the resource.

The difficult part is harmful situations occur often when I'm very sick or late at night and I'm left with few options (e.g. train station, hotel lobby, or women's shelter). One late night, I was crawling up to my computer to find information on available help —I was having physical and psychological crisis— with my phone in the hand. My husband yelled at me, "Who are you calling? If you're reporting, you're crossing the threshold of the relationship!" I called a few friends to no avail. Later my therapist suggested I call an ambulance or police in the case like that.

I've gone through the Toolbox page before signing up, and I found it quite informative. Some are difficult to practise as I live in his room, in a shared apartment with other people (one of them being his ex-girlfriend with whom he's been living for ages — and her current partner, their child, and another ex of hers).

You're right about me focusing too much on my husband. I try to focus on myself and have been working a lot to regain independence, but it feels like there's a fire in the house and I have to deal with it so it won't burn everything. His behaviour, which he never doubts its legitimacy, could directly harm my health and sometimes there's no way I could protect myself from it.

As to my physical health, I've been having issue with my immunity since the COVID vaccination —one of the first question the doctor was about the vaccines as there have been similar cases— in addition to my extremely high sensitivity and strong allergy. My psychological/neurological state does have an impact on my physical health, but it's not psychosomatic.

I've been learning a lot about PD, but I'm not quite sure if it's worth investing, now that my husband said he's not sure if we could get over this. (And of course, he expects 'me' to work on 'my' problems to get over our relationship issues.) I don't have enough resources to support myself nor anywhere to call home in the entire world —I left my small country due to the health issues caused by the environmental problems—, and it's scary to think what would happen after this relationship collapses.

Much gratitude and respect to you,
Ingwer

[notrightinthehead]

Ingwer, I am so sorry, you are in a bad place right now. Is there a women's shelter in the place you are? If there is, find out how to contact them.  Also, what can you do to make an income for yourself?  Without any means to look after yourself, your situation is very vulnerable.  Since you have access to therapists, you probably also have access to legal advice on how to obtain a work permit. Anything that will get you out of the house and give you some independence will be a boost to your self esteem.

[Ingwer]

Thank you notrightinthehead,

Yes, there's a women's shelter. From what I heard, it's where people keep coming and going, and my therapist says I'd struggle there because of my sensory sensitivity. I've been doing training for getting employment since last month, and collecting information on consultation and legal support as well. (I'm proud of actively seeking help!) It's still extremely hard to go through the fear, frustration, and loneliness elicited by my husband — and the practical issues. I'm hoping to learn in this space how to handle those, too. I can see that Out of the FOG is full of brave survivors and fighters.

[Ingwer]

Hi user,

Thank you for talking to the admins and sharing your experience. Your compassion means a lot to me, too!

When I'm sick, my husband gets overwhelmed by the responsibility he feels. Late at night is when our needs often clash (e.g. I want to sleep before midnight and he claims it's impossible for him to go to bed before midnight). He doesn't seem to target me when I'm vulnerable, but he does tickle me and merrily say, "I love it when you're so weak you can't fight back!" when I'm unwell. (He thinks I look cute when I try to resist but can't do anything.)

It must be so hard that you have to protect yourself as well as your kids. I don't have a child, but if I had, I'd definitely feel the huge responsibility regarding the impact our relationship makes on them. The responsibility needs to be shared, but only I'd have to take it while he would or could not even see. I truly hope you have some support to reduce the burdens on your shoulders.

Thank you for the invitation to the other board, too. I'll definitely check.