NPDh mailed, gone to pieces

[notrightinthehead]

I received an email from NPDh today. It's been almost 4 years of no direct contact. There was a bit of to and fro through lawyers over the 4 years and I saw him once with his new woman at his mother's burial. It seems the woman he is with now has changed. And he asked our daughter to ask me what he could do to move the divorce forward. While we were together I was the errand girl. He would mention what he wanted and I would make it happen. Now I do nothing. I am not moving the divorce forward. I have nothing to gain from a divorce. For 4 years men seem to have been almost invisible to me. I have no love interest. He will not pay a cent for me.  So I told my daughter that he should send me a FAIR offer and I would sign any divorce papers.  And now he mailed me what he might consider FAIR.

What throws me, my response. I am in full PTSD flashback. I am terrified, enraged, and so lost. All I want to do is go to bed and listen to some audiobooks. I still follow my daily routine. As usual, I am pushing through. I thought I was better. I thought I could cope. But here I am. 32 years of marriage to someone like that and I am nothing, the moment he shows up somewhere in my life.
I thought I was better. I thought I was stronger. All it takes is a tiny little email and I am right back in the bottom of the well.
Please send me your prayers that I can scramble up from this again.
It seems to me that the longer we stay, the more difficult it is to really be free from the abusive relationship.

[moglow]

Piffle! The fact that he asked your dd to ask you, deliberately putting her in such a position... How GUTLESS. Maybe tell him to grow tf up and act like an adult for starters. He needs to decide what it's worth and get on with it. And stop using others as intermediaries.

You ARE better and you ARE stronger, he just knows your buttons. Pick that chin up, take a deep breath and remember who you are. You HAVE come a long way, after that many years of marriage it makes sense to me there be setbacks here and there. You've got this!

Can you counter offer (way above to give reasonable negotiating room),maybe shove it along to get him gone? Would that help you?

[Srcyu]

Oh notright, I'm so sorry that's happened to you.
It is a flashback and they do hit hard for a time. Having to deal directly with him like that has pushed you down the well.
You will climb back up because the light is still shining at the top.

I would say, do not respond and redirect his mail to the junk file.
No more contact like that. You really don't need it.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you so very much for your good wishes, user, Moglow, and Windmill. Clawing my way out.

[Srcyu]

Keep going notrightinthehead, then seal that well off and go nowhere near it.

[oak_tree]

NRITH, I'm so sorry you're going through this!
One thought I had, and it's much like moglow's:
You ARE better than you were! It's expected that things like this will affect you. Doesn't mean it isn't horrible, but give yourself the room to be affected - it would be incredibly unexpected (!!) if after NC for 4 years, you weren't affected. It's not an indication of lack of strength.
Interesting that now you're the person with the power.
My thoughts are with you! You've got this!

[Boat Babe]

You've had a trauma response NRITH and you mustn't be hard on yourself my dear. Be very self compassionate and do the right thing for you and DD. Sending hugs.

[hhaw]

NRITH,
You're biochemistry has likely been hijacked bc the unprocessed past trauma can't process.....it throws you into fight/flight/freeze/fawn survival mode and I think you're freezing. 

Unfortunately, knowing what's happening can't help you get out of it.  Judging yourself makes it worse.  Attempts to think your way out, make it worse.

It helped me to practice EMDR or rapidly moving my eyes back and forth from left to right.....I followed the T's finger or my own.

This helps integrate your brain and engage your PNS or Parasympathetic Nervous System which shuts down your fight or flight response.

I understand completely your being triggered with all the reactivity you're experiencing.  It makes complete sense and it's there to protect you.

Everything happening has good intentions for you.....its how you've survived up to this point.

It's simply not enough now.....you're away from the PD and free to find better ways for yourself, ime.

So breathe.  Thank your sad, shutdown and overwhelmed parts bc they're trying to protect you.

Accept them and their good will......let them know you're able to stand in the discomfort of your PD's disordered, cruel and irrational letter, beliefs and will to do more harm, bc you're strong enough.......you can do this.  Finish this.

I understand the daunting completely unfair process you're facing......trying to settle ANYTHING with a PD who's never been hlfaur or rational once, despite your giving and bending and doing all the work while the PD created more chaos and criticized you.

I understand DOING NOTHING he asks....just putting it all down.

Be still.  Stay on the sofa or in the bed....but embrace the stillness and don't judge it.  Let it be. 

Pay attention to your feelings and be curious.....not afraid.  They're all there to gelp and they aren't YOU.  They'll pass if you tend to them and don't follow them down rabbit holes of over When and judgment a lot of the time, ime.

Breathe.....deeply....,fill your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase and go into nature.  Notice the sounds, shapes and colors around you.  Notice your peripheral vision and the space above you....below you....to each side of you.

Splash cold water on your face....

mostly, trust yourself, extend tsunamis of self compassion and remember you always do what needs to be done.

You'll gut through this divorce settlement too.

Sure, the PD will do what he does.  Accept that and be glad you'll be free of him.....dont expect him to be anything than he is and be glad you're still who you were born to be.....good and kind and hopefully working on boundaries to keep you safe going forward, bc you can do that, NRITH.

Find balance and honor yourself as a priority.  You're so worthy and you will get through this.

I promise.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you so much Windmill, Oak_tree, Boat Babe and Hhaw! I am definitely in freeze mode of a trauma response. It's shocking how deep the injury sits and little it takes to trigger it.
Thanks for your support and valuable suggestions, I am truly grateful to you all.