Argh, boundaries, ever heard of them?

[OddFamily]

So long story short, former employer got caught breaking the law, and I got called to testify. Trial date was set, then something happened and it got pushed back. Stress levels have been crazy as it's brought a lot of complicated feelings to the surface, and a lot of innocents got mixed up in this.

Mom had told grandma that she couldn't come over on the old trial date (not knowing that it was going to be moved). Grandma's always trying to get her to come over more, etc. Apparently she was badgering mom why can't you come on this date. Mom gave her a brief outline of what was going on with strict instructions to not talk about it with me or anyone else.

So what does grandma ask tonight? How was your day at the courthouse. It's not a fun day trip, it's a freaking criminal trial in federal court!!! As in really scary attorneys and really scary defendant. As in if defendant is convicted they could be looking at major fines, prison time, or both, very serious felony case.

I redirected her onto something else, but afterwards, mom told me what happened and that she owed me an apology, and that this was a betrayal of a confidence and that we're never going to discuss anything confidential with grandma again because of this. Mom says she's mad at Grandma about this and weighing whether or not to say something, but what good is that going to do? It seems like grandma's allowed to do whatever she wants because she's old and in poor health and cognitively impaired, while I have to be the adult and deal with it. I'm all for extending grace but she's tapped that well dry when I'm trying to keep my current boss (who was working for former employer at the time) at a more reasonable stress level, managing my own stress, and dealing with day to day work and life and really challenging PT sessions.

[bloomie]

OddFamily - that really sounds like stress stacking up all around. The last thing you needed was for your mom to breach your trust in this way. I am really sorry you are going through this and hope the case resolves soon for everyone's sake.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think this is one of the hallmarks of a dysfunctional person: not only can you NOT rely on them to be a source of strength/support when you're going through something difficult... they actually tend to make it WORSE.

I hope this court thing is quickly and cleanly resolved, for you and everyone else involved.

[moglow]

mom told me what happened and that she owed me an apology, and that this was a betrayal of a confidence and that we're never going to discuss anything confidential with grandma again because of this. Mom says she's mad at Grandma about this and weighing whether or not to say something, but what good is that going to do?

I'm just going to say this - maybe mom needs to work on her own boundaries. "We're never going to discuss anything confidential with grandma again ..." sounds all well and good except that WE didn't share it with grandma, *she* did. I'm glad mom owned up to it and admitted she owes you an apology, but damn. Why be mad at grandma for asking about something she should never have been told in the first place. We *know* gma has no filters and is cognitively impaired etc. Mom gets a pass for opening that can of worms, because she warned grandma to not say anything?

You may want to reconsider what you share, is what I'm saying. I get that mom feels she needs to explain her No to your grandmother, but that's not yours to bear. What I try to keep in mind is, the instant we have to preface with: "don't say anything about xyz to abc," stop and decide if we need to say anything about xyz at all.

My mother used to do that to me and others, "don't say anything/tell anyone I told you but..." and invariably it came back to bite me in the butt later. SHE was the one telling it, but it was turned just enough that others took the fall when things were spread around that should never have been said at all.

[OddFamily]

Thank you everyone who's replied. I've taken some time to think stuff over.
Yes, it is crazy amounts of stress. Statistically this type of case usually settles but given what I've been informed about concerning the defense attorneys, I'm less than optimistic.
I've not been sharing every little detail, and some things are difficult to conceal (she answered the door when the subpoena was delivered). Years back my mom and I had gotten into it because she was nit picking everything I had planned and treating me like a kid, she's actually done much better about it consistently, and we've improved communication on both sides, so I think things can be improved.
Mom's been rug sweeping this episode lately, so not sure what's up. But what is frustrating is she knows why this sort of thing needs to be kept quiet. Case is no longer under seal and everything's going to come out in trial, but it's stress I don't need.

[bloomie]

OddFamily -  will be thinking of you in the coming days/weeks as you get this over with. Strength to you! Let us know how you are as you are able.

[OddFamily]

Thanks, just wanted to add a quick update. No seeing grandma for 2 or more weeks, I brought covid home and it went through the whole house. Not the best way to get out of seeing her, but it's been a nice break, can't deny that. Trial is on back burner, not expected to pick up until June, so we've got time. A friend who's got anxiety has started the Anxiety Book Club, we read a self help book on anxiety and we talk about it. It's been helpful.

[bloomie]

Well, OddFamily - hopefully you all got through Covid and are on the mend. I am thankful you got a break, but sorry the reason. The bookclub sounds like it could be a good support for you! That is a great idea.

[NarcKiddo]

Hope you're feeling better now, OddFamily. The book club sounds like a really great idea. A nice way to discuss the topic without necessarily wallowing in one's own personal issues, if you see what I mean. Lots of ways to get personal or step back a little if you're in a rough patch.