What to request from my siblings

[Sneezy]

About five years ago, my siblings and I all agreed that mom needed to move near one of her children.  Her husband had died, she had a major fall and spent several weeks in rehab, she had no relatives nearby to help her, and her friends were all getting older and moving near their children (or passing away).  We all, mom included, agreed that moving near me was the best solution.  There are many reasons for this - for example, I work from home and have more flexibility in my schedule.  One of the biggest reasons is location.  I am the most centrally located.  I live 20 minutes away from a major airport that is easy to fly into.  I have a first floor guestroom with bathroom, so it is easy for my siblings to visit, and also easy for mom to stay here (for example, after she had surgery).

In the first 16 months that mom was here, she made eight out of state trips to visit my siblings and other relatives.  Then covid hit and everything changed.  Now that people are traveling again, I expected that mom would start visiting my siblings and they would visit her.  But it appears that my siblings have set some boundaries.  Which they are fully entitled to do.  I understand that having mom visit is a painful, miserable ordeal.  I understand that one of my brothers is dealing with his own anxiety. One of my SILs has been diagnosed with a chronic disease.  Another has started seeing a counselor for PTSD.  One sister now has a boyfriend in another state and wants to spend all her vacation visiting him, not mom.

I get it. I truly do.  I don't want to spend time with my mom either.  She is a full-on bundle of dark despair and anxiety and she is getting worse.  She sucks the life and joy out of everything and everyone she comes in contact with.  She is toxic.

But I also kind of feel like we had a deal.  I thought my sibs would come visit mom and have her visit them and take some of the pressure off me.  Traveling and/or having company helps distract mom and keeps some of her anxiety at bay.  At the same time, they are adults and I fully respect their right to set their own boundaries.

So how to resolve this?

[NarcKiddo]

Does your mother propose visits to your siblings?

Have you invited siblings to stay at yours (which would mean, I suppose, that they would have to see mother as well)?

I fully get that a family decision was made but ultimately the only boundaries you can set are yours.  Can you limit the time you spend dealing with mother and when she complains point out she has other children?

That said, I am not sure if you have raised the issue with any siblings? You are pointing out in your post the things which may be stopping them from visiting but have you tried to get them to visit and been met with these reasons why they can't? Covid was a glorious break from me having to see my PDs and I can totally understand their reluctance to start up something they were enjoying being rid of. But they don't know how you feel about it unless you tell them. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to point out that you are doing the lion's share of looking after your mother and some help is needed.

[moglow]

I agree - you need boundaries for yourself and that means deciding what you can realistically do where she's concerned. Yes you work from home but you have a life just as anyone else. It's not unreasonable [to me] that you take a large step back from the guilt trips and honeydoos. I think I'd address as a group - "I know Covid took a bite where visiting mother is related, now that things have stabilized somewhat I didn't know what your plans are to visit her/have her visit you. She does seem to keep anxiety at bay when she has more interaction with you. For myself, I need to back off on the time spent with her and I'm working with that in mind. It's soul sucking for me trying to manage her alone and I have to make some adjustments going forward."

That's not making assumptions based on their stuff but letting them know, putting them on notice so to speak. If they can't/won't be there either, you understand, but they'll know you're no longer on call 24/7. It's also not telling them "I need you to do thus and so" but giving them food for thought to do with as they will. They choose to do and change nothing? So be it. There she sits.

Remind me - doesnt she live in some kind of supervised assisted living or is it separate/independent housing altogether? My point is, she's as alone as she chooses to be. She's not abandoned or neglected. Nobody's cutting her off. There's no reason you HAVE to be there for extended visits every Saturday and Sunday plus multiple times during the week. People [even not seniors] get bored every day - and they can read a book, watch movies, do puzzles, visit AL activities etc. You're not her sole entertainment unless you make it so and catering to her doesn't have to be the be-all of your life. Think it through, what you're actually willing to do and isn't a chore. If it's a chore, it may be time to reevaluate and adjust.

[ETA - I've not seen md in three ish years and she lives within two hour drive from here. I've been to and through her town for various reasons, didn't visit and I doubt she knew I was around. She'd been so vile on the phone and via messages that I just refused to expose myself to it further. I've found I don't miss those visits of years ago where I was scraping for conversation and biting my tongue, exhausted and needing to decompress once I got back home. That's if I wasn't full on sick from the stress of it all. While I'm sure she could use some help with things now, am I that person? Not necessarily. I had to put my foot down with myself and just say no - and no, it wasn't easy in the beginning. It took practice. She was/is very much queen/witch but there's now a heaping helping of waif/hermit that can lay on thick when she wants. I just remember always the queen/witch isn't far away and it soothes any qualms I may have.]

[Sneezy]

But they don't know how you feel about it unless you tell them. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to point out that you are doing the lion's share of looking after your mother and some help is needed.

Yes, I think you are right.  I need to say, explicitly, what I mean.  I have hinted, via text, that mom would like to travel.  And I think mom has also hinted.  But maybe it's time to pick up the phone and just say it.  Nicely, of course.  And not in a demanding way.

I have offered my house as a place to stay.  There's no reason for anyone to sleep on mom's couch if they visit.  They can stay here and get a little downtime in between time spent with mom.  There's also safety in numbers, so to speak.  There's no reason two or three can't visit at the same time.  We could make a little family reunion out of it and plan some fun things to do.

I need to think on all this for a while.  But there have to be solutions that will work and that won't trigger those who might really need to keep their distance from mom.

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree with the above. I think it's fine to explore whether or not your siblings are willing to engage a bit more, but it's also equally fine if your siblings say, "Sorry, but no."

I understand where you're coming from, though. You're basically attempting to meet all of your mother's needs (aka, the bottomless pit) on your own. That sucks. It's literally an impossible job. But you needing to do less does not necessarily mean that anyone else needs to do more. In fact, you could argue that trying to fill the gaps when you make space for yourself is just continuing the codependency. It isn't your job to fill your mom's dance card for her.  So overall, I think you're better off continuing to work on your own boundaries and not worrying about what she or anyone else thinks/says/does.

[Sneezy]

Remind me - doesnt she live in some kind of supervised assisted living or is it separate/independent housing altogether?

Moglow - My mom lives in independent senior living.  She has her own one-bedroom apartment.  There are probably 150 or so people who live in the four different buildings.  Everyone goes to the main diningroom for meals.  There are maintenance guys who can do things like hang pictures and move furniture.  There are daily senior exercise classes, outings, activities, etc.  In the past week there has been silly hat-making day, three sessions of bingo, a movie outing, a lunch outing, card night, board game night, and probably many more activities that I'm  not even aware of.  As my DH says, mom has more friends and more activities than I do.  She has replaced Sam, who passed away, with Bob, and she sees him faithfully twice a day to check on him, as he recently had some minor surgery (mom loves playing nursemaid). 

This is getting off topic a little, but I really do not understand for the life of me why mom wants my attention all the time?  We have nothing in common, we don't value the same things, we don't like to do the same activities.  So many times when I have planned things to do with mom, it's clear that is bored out of her skull. 

The truth is that mom has plenty of friends and activities and she doesn't need me and she doesn't particularly enjoy the time she spends with me.  And yet, she expects me to cater to her, answer her calls, take her out, entertain her, etc.  And then the whole time we are together, she complains about how lonely she is and how awful everything is.  And that's not true at all.  She keeps trying to convince me that her life is terrible, and that it's either my fault that her life is terrible or my job to fix it, when the truth is she doesn't have anything that needs fixing and even if she did, she wouldn't like me fixing it because (to be honest) she finds me and my life pretty darn boring (whew, that was quite a runon sentence).

I'm pretty sure it's her anxiety.  It's getting worse.  So as soon as mom has five minutes of downtime, she starts heading into the black pit of despair.  And that's when she needs me to fix things.  But I can't.  And I'm tired of her attempting to drag me into the black pit of despair with her.

[Sneezy]

It isn't your job to fill your mom's dance card for her.

I love this - thank you! 

I think I will invite my sibs to visit.  I will actually pick up the phone and discuss the situation with them.  And then, let it go.  Mom is capable of filling up her own dance card, as you say 

[moglow]

It isn't your job to fill your mom's dance card for her.

Really dig this, and so very true! She's got plenty to do yet dumps her misery and black pit on you, tries to drag you down in it? Sounds like you're way overdue for a break with or without your siblings. They can figure all that out between them.

[FromTheSwamp]

I would let your siblings know that your mom's expectations of you have proven to be more than you can fulfill, and that you'll have to pull back further for your sake, and if any of them can help out in any way it would be much appreciated.  Try to make clear that you're not trying to guilt them into doing anything, but letting them know the situation.
It could be that they've been trying to imagine that you have it handled, or it could be that they know very well how it is, and want to stay far away.  But you won't know which unless you let them know your end of things.

I've been the sibling in a similar situation for a very long time, and it's hard.  The others just don't get how much work it is, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sneezy!

I can answer this one and it isn't about anxiety: This is getting off topic a little, but I really do not understand for the life of me why mom wants my attention all the time?

When she's with her friends at independent living and her new BF she's pretending....she's pretending to be a nice, caring, considerate person because image is extremely important to people with NPD. It's not the real her...what you get, the demanding, guilt inducing, tantrum having, pity seeking behavior is the real her, and she sure as $#@% ain't going to let the whole world know about that. What she wants is supply, and that doesn't come from regular social interactions with regular people, who see relationships as being among equals, and where she has to behave somewhat nicely. It comes from raging at you and blaming you when things don't go exactly as she had envisioned, or convincing you to do something for her that you don't want to. Putting you down or making you feel bad makes her feel better, which is probably why none of your siblings want to have anything to do with her. (I feel like your honorary extra sibling btw, as our parents might be the same person

I was watching something by Les Carter, who I love as much Richard Grannon, and he was giving an example of something that happened to me a zillion times. You're driving and you get a call from M and the phone's on speaker...the first question out of her mouth is going to be: is anybody in the car with you? The answer to that question completely dictates what happens next and whether you get the real or the fake version.

Once, right before I completely dropped the rope, DH and I took Negatron to a doctor's appt. and I was trying to figure out the whole rehab thing with the insurance company. I was on the phone and, seeing that I was on the phone, she was whining and raging about how terrible everything was for poor, poor her. At one point she said in an incredibly caustic voice 'WELL I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD'... and turned around and saw my DH there (she thought he was parking the car). Immediately, like Jeckyl and Hyde style, she dropped the nastiness and said 'Oh I didn't mean that I've just had a long day'....it was super creepy.

Anyway, that's my unprofessional opinion on why your attention is so important to her....you're the only one who will put up with her true self. I think moglow and the others advice is brilliant....you can't make your siblings spend more time with her (and you don't want to try to guilt them into it because you know what kind of effect that has) but you can explain to them that you need to step back and why. My suspicion is that they are saying their prayers every night that you will continue to act as shield between them and her, because none of them want to deal with it.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Pseudonym and would add that she likely wants her children to show up so she can boast about it. It makes her wonderful because look, her children are so adoring so she must be wonderful, and it makes her wonderful because look, she produced such wonderful children. She doesn't just have all the activities that all the other mere mortals have, she has outings over and above all that. She can even make drama about it if she wants. "Oh, you want me to enter the silly hat competition? Too bad, I can't. Sneezy is taking me out that day." And then there is no danger at all that she does not win the silly hat competition.

If I am visiting, my mother likes nothing better than to ring another family member to tell them I am there, and then talk to them at length, ignoring me. She also likes me to be there if she has friends round but I have started refusing to do that unless I happen to like the friends in question.

[Sneezy]

Putting you down or making you feel bad makes her feel better, which is probably why none of your siblings want to have anything to do with her. (I feel like your honorary extra sibling btw, as our parents might be the same person

Psuedonym - You are right about this.  I wish I knew *why* it makes my mom feel better to hurt me (and others, I'm her favorite punching bag at the moment, but others have had their turn, too).  I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to define my mom's behavior - is it covert NPD, waif BPD, compulsive lying, extreme anxiety, etc.?  I also spend a lot of time trying to figure out what caused my mom to end up like this - genetics, childhood trauma, something else I don't know about?  But the bottom line is none of that matters.  I was trying to explain it all to one of my brothers a few days ago, and he interrupted me and said "Who cares what it is or what caused it?  Maybe mom is just a bad person."  All the academic exercises into the nature and cause of my mom is interesting, but irrelevant.  The simple truth is that she is in a bottomless pit of dark despair and if I allow her to drag me down in there with her, she will thrive and I will die.  At this point, taking up smoking would be a healthier option than spending more time with my mom.

If Negatron hadn't passed away, I would swear we are related and dealing with the same person.  My sibs and I are having a conference call later this week.  I feel like I should send you the zoom link    Your example of your mom changing her behavior when she realized your husband was in the room is *exactly* on point.  I could give you many examples of mom doing the same thing.  She can turn on a dime.  Last week, I took my mom a prescription and stayed for about 10 minutes to visit with her.  The entire time I was in her apartment she was literally moaning about how awful everything was.  She was hunched over in her recliner, looking like the saddest most frail little old lady on this earth.  When I left, and was waiting for the elevator around the corner from her apartment, I heard her open her apartment door and go out into the hall and start talking to a neighbor.  It was like mom had risen from the dead.  She was bright and happy and her voice was strong and she sounded like the queen bee of senior living.  She was transformed! 

I don't know exactly what to do, but I have some ideas, which I will be bouncing off my sibs.  We are all in the same boat - none of us can bring mom into our lives or our homes without seriously impacting our own health and our own families.  We can all drop the rope together, or some of us may drop it and others may decide to pick it up (although I will seriously advise against this, as I don't think it would be wise for anyone to take on mom as their "project").  I guess we will figure it out together.

[Poison Ivy]

Good luck, Sneezy.

My sister is the primary caregiver for our mom. My sister seems to be increasingly opposed to our mom moving to a long-term care facility. My brothers and I are not opposed to our mom moving to a long-term care facility. It seems to me now that my sister's primary focus is not our mom's well-being but her (my sister's) wanting things to be done her (again, my sister's) way: especially, avoidance of feeling guilty about mom living in a long-term care facility.

[Sneezy]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.  My siblings and I had our conference call.  Everyone agreed I should pull back and spend less time with mom.  They understand it will impact them - if nothing else, they are likely to get some late night phone calls with some mom "emergencies."  Everyone also said they would make plans to visit - I'm hoping that happens as they are all more than welcome (I enjoy spending time with my sibs).  We all agreed that mom needs anti-anxiety medication and a full neurological assessment to see if something else is going on (she has some signs of memory loss).  And we also all agreed that mom will not agree to anything remotely resembling taking care of her mental health.  But in any case, the call went well and I guess we will see what happens next. 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm glad the call went well, Sneezy!

[Leonor]

Mom + emergency = momergency

[moglow]

Really digging that y'all are on the same/similar pages. There's a comfort, a safety in that, not feeling alone. At least it is for me. I don't wish it on anyone, but thrive on having them in my corner even after all these years and all her many efforts to play divide and conquer.

And here's an idea - make sure they're aware they're welcome whether they visit mum or not. That's not your stuff, but having them around sure will make it nice for you guys.

[Poison Ivy]

I visit my mom and my sister almost every week for a few hours. My sister has been living with Mom since the pandemic started.  At this point, the main point (for me) of visiting is to give my sister someone to talk to who isn't Mom (and we often talk ABOUT Mom, too).

[butterflyrainbow]

Sneezy, do  we have the same mom?

Mine wants all my time too. She is in hospice care now eating up the attention from everyone who enters her room.
However. She's also ill with kidney failure and as I see the intensified symptoms, I'm beginning to realize it was impacting her behavior way more than I knew. Her anxiety is very high.  Increasing Confusion, forgetfulness, decreased handwriting skills, shakiness, grouchiness, pain, isolating, -  things we associate with aging and sort of dismiss as normal.  She had an MRI and there's also some dementia type signs as well. And I didn't realize how much not visiting with  family during Covid impacted her. She never said.

I think it's wise to help get your mom some medical attention. My motto lately is "knowledge is power".

[feralcat]

I'm the eldest of 7 kids. Also the Lost Child. Ignored/verbally -emotionally abused etc. Carried on for 60 + years, until I started to come Out of the FOG. At which point she suddenly 'cared'. Following a short TO from me, we've settled into VLC. I listen, she complains about others and her health ( which ain't bad for a nearly 90 year old. I should be that lucky lol). Monologues. Tried to get her to talk nicely/normally, didn't work, gave up. Rarely see her in the flesh now.

In a couple of weeks time my 'fixer' Sis goes off to dog sit -on the other side of the world. Did I mention my FOO are enmeshed ? - for another (Unpd ?) Sis , so said Sis can visit for a couple of months. Loopy.

Rang unPdM for a catch up. She said she has been told she has borderline dementia , and borderline stomach cancer. But I mustn't tell any other FOO. Plus that, when I was knocked down by a car when young, she had nearly collapsed. She was very friendly. It was a surprisingly easy phone call. She was strangely  upbeat. Ps I do think her cognitive functioning is declining, so I do give her some leeway.
But after a couple of days  ...I came back to earth. She said it was the doctors receptionist who gave her this cataclysmic forecast ( nope. Wouldn't happen). And lo, I am the keeper of these secrets ! (triangulating). And She hasn't 'got the time to go talk to the doctor' ! Strangely happy for a hypochondriac . Plus, her 'collapsing' ? Big cognitive dissonance there, this is the woman who's reaction to any big illness/tragedy of mine was to directly laugh , or tell me to get over it. As opposed to when similar things happen to (most of my) other siblings/FOO/ her friends etc.
(Tbh she seems actively to be rewriting history as she come to the end of her life. She still has 3 siblings left and there appears to be a massive rose tinting exercise going on).

So yes, like you I was duped. A victim of my own caring nature. I feel such an idiot !
And the timing is very interesting. One carer exits left, others will be lured into the spiders web. After all, the children of PDs are bought up to scrat for morsels of attention. And 'love'. And the PD parent knows exactly what buttons to press.
Appearances are very important to PDs, especially of the we're- just-one-big-happy-family variety.

I'm very sorry you've been shouldering the burden of your unPdMs behaviour, Sneezy. I've no doubt your siblings felt the relief that distance brings, and are loath to surrender that. Sounds like they've been developing their own boundaries in the interim. And they are willing to help. I hope.
Knowledge IS power. Plus distance, mindfulness and self care. I may have been duped again for a short while, but even as my unPdM tried to push my buttons I could FEEL that my reactions weren't being activated like they used to be. There was cognitive dissonance . And, removed from the situation in hand, my brain started to sift through the knowledge (Toolbox!) I've accumulated to help me understand what was really going on.

Good luck. I'm glad you have such a good relationship with your siblings.