The One Thing

[Hepatica]

Maybe there are those of you reading this who had One Thing that finally did it for you, and you knew with lightning clarity that you never wanted to see the PD person again?

For me it was a few years ago, after years of feeling increasingly uncomfortable around my uPD parents and sibling. My uPDf used to show up at my house at least once a month. He'd drop in to a number of people and I'd be one of them, so I was used to it somewhat, but this particular time I was really edgy and his behaviour was more odd than ever before. He began to tell stories as we sat outside in the garden about all of the drama he'd been involved in that week and who he'd betrayed (my aunt, his sister) and being very proud of it, and I really was sitting there saying nothing, as I always did. My Dh was there, and we were all sitting in this large triangle, as it was covid and we were distancing, and my uNPDf's voice was getting louder. I think he had been drinking and driving. I feel very diminutive around him, so I was very quiet, just listening and hoping it would end soon, when his head swung around and he looked at me and said, "You need to see a shrink Hepatica!" I had said absolutely nothing to warrant it, just sitting there listening. And suddenly I knew I wasn't going to take it anymore. I stood up and said, "You need to leave. Get out!"

But he did nothing. He sat there and when he wouldn't leave, I stood up and went inside the house, to my room and put my headphones on, because he had started to ramble on again to my husband, and his voice was like nails pounding into my skull. 

That was it though. I was instantly no contact. This was after a good many years of increasingly weird accusations from him, and dirty looks when I'd go visit he and my mother. It was the first time in my life I stood up to him. After that I put a lock on the gate into my house. He left a number of notes on the gate. I half read the first line which was, "Sorry if I said something wrong " And the but that always comes with that kind of statement. I crumpled it up and threw it.

I cannot stand someone flippantly judging my mental health. Especially someone like him who has never sought help for his bad behaviour, who has honest serious issues with gambling and hoarding and manipulating.

I do think he wanted to push me to doubt myself, and sometimes I think even worse. I struggle with depression and a kind of fragility where doubt myself so much I feel experience sorrow and guilt. It is so painful I have to work really hard to keep my head above water at times. For him to be flippant about that was like a knife to the gut. It felt like he was trying to push me to harm myself as a taunting little game.

Anyone else have that one thing that finally clarified no contact for you?

[looloo]

Hi Hepatica, awful that your father did the ONE thing you're most sensitive/vulnerable about-probably deliberately.  But it is a kind of blessing that we get that instant, undeniable clarity that propels us into a better situation.

It's taken me some reflection to see the commonality in what made me finally get off the crazy train in various relationships, but the common denominator for me was when the person (now ex spouse, or co worker, or my Nmother, etc.) went too far in their bullying and implied and/or accused me of doing something that I HAD NOT done.

I had a boss eons ago who thought they could get away with accusing me of tampering with a time clock!  I'd put up with so much lousy treatment for a long time, but THIS was it!  I walked out and didn't return.
My now exH accused me of cheating (NOPE!) and began grabbing my phone to go through it.  That was the official "beginning of the end" of my marriage-I moved out later that year.
My Nmother-when she started to need someone to jump in and handle her affairs, accused me of "only caring about the money" and "trying to ruin" her life, and I knew she was smearing me to others who could and would happily go as far as to try and involve various officials, making it necessary that I defend and prove my innocence - I absolutely stay NC now, for my own protection as well as emotional health.  With the other two examples, I'd been such a doormat for so long, they probably didn't realize that it would be the last straw for me.  I probably didn't either, until it happened.

So for me, my breaking point is mostly the person demonstrating that they think I can't be trusted.  In the case of my Nmother, I think she does trust me to handle all her affairs, but she'd rather stick to her victim story and deliberately hurt me at the same time. 

[wisingup]

I'm sorry Hepatica - that sounds terrible.  It's interesting though, when we finally snap and act instinctively to protect ourselves. 

My "one thing" came after several years of my mom's increasing isolation (she retired, moved to a new city where she knew no one, my dad died).  My oldest D was involved in performing arts in high school so I had been inviting my mom to her performances, but then D graduated & went off to college & I did not continue to seek out mom's company for other activities.  She became increasingly angry with me over the year after D's graduation & as she became more unpleasant, I called less and less.  Finally, when I called one day out of obligation, she answered by saying "Who is this?" in a really nasty tone.  That was it - my eyes snapped open & the fog lifted. 

[Hepatica]

looloo, I totally relate to that, what I assume is a projection on their part, when accused of untrustworthiness. My uPDf did that to me as well, and it was another moment of painful clarity. You realize the situation is insane and so, so terrible. They must view other people in such a way that they cannot fathom that other people are not devious. It really hurts to be accused, when you know you have no interest in harming people. It's a betrayal.

wisingup, talk about biting the hand that feeds you. She knew it was you calling and you were the one person willing to put up with her. You wanted to give her a chance and you wanted to do your duty and be a good person. Heartbreaking. I totally get it. And I do think they bet on the idea of family at all cost. But no, not if it seeps into our lives like toxin. We can't at some point. They must take responsibility for their choices. You cannot treat anyone badly and expect them to keep coming back for it. How do you feel now? I lose my clarity at this time of year, every single year, so I have revisit why to remind me that the situation was bad.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

The dialog you describe makes me feel as though your father's comment was sort of like a direct hit in an area which is most sensitive and one in which you would usually be able to trust those close to you to handle with care. I think your response was great. I think you displayed what happens when a boundary is crossed. No need to explain, defend, or justify your feelings. I think doing any of that never leads to a resolve and just keeps things swirling.

I was indeed on the receiving side of "one thing" that gave me lightning clarity that I no longer wanted to see the PD person(s) again. In a way, it was a gift to be handed something so outlandish and so unacceptable that I knew I would never doubt myself. It was proceeded however by a lifetime of misdeeds and failed attempts to work it out and instead just feeling beaten down by them. I guess in that moment with the "one thing" I knew these dynamics were never going to get better. I literally just walked out when it happened and never said one word when I left. Words had already proven pointless.   

For me, when I got to that point, I felt it in my bones. I did not doubt or fear. I just feel calm and resolute. Still do.

[moglow]

Hepatica, I can't help but think to myself, well hello pot meet kettle! But I'm sure PDf wouldn't get or appreciate the sentiment. Kudos for you for just getting up and leaving. I've never had the courage to walk out, always wish I had. I'll pencil that in for future reference. 

My "one thing" that clarified the uselessness of my attempts to reach mother was a big ole pile of the same stuff she'd dumped on me for ages. She cranked it all up again a few days after my birthday [Feb] this year, so I took the chance to get her to talk. I wanted to clear the air and leave the past in the past, but mother dredged up things she'd apparently been nurturing for quite some time. Several things she brought up centered around a very difficult time with several losses in our family, but her comments were all about her. Her loss and her pain and her grief, and how I'd let her down by not "being there" for her, and on and on.

I finally pointed out that we'd ALL gone through a horrible time and were grieving, while she kept insisting that I take care of her. I didn't have it to give! There's a couple of years I lost to all of it, when I was self destructive and suicidal and deeply depressed. I told her about it and what an awful time I was in too - nothing. Not one word of comfort or I'm sorry I was so caught up in mine I didn't realize or I wish you'd talked to me about it. I mean, not one word. She just glossed over it and needed to go, ended the call. 

I've talked with her briefly a few times since and still, nothing. She's not at all interested on any level, not in me or anyone else it seems, cuts me off within a very few minutes. And I'm not at all interested in putting myself in her line of fire. So here we are.

[Hepatica]

Hi Blueberry!! Oh how I wish I could get to that sense of knowing that has stayed with you. I waver, but generally only at this time of year. And perhaps bc my parents are so elderly, I waver in my sense of courage for when I attend their funeral, of which I have not decided I will or not. Sounds like something might have known inside of you beforehand where your limit was and there would be no negotiations around it. I think it might be helpful for all of us to imagine what that line is and know it ahead of time. The clarity can really cut thru the indecisiveness, and it's so important to know what is your non-negotiable. Yes. He knew my wounded spot. I think he'd groomed me in that department. I think in all honesty that there is a large part in him that thinks all women are 'mental.' It makes him feel grand.

moglow, I really, really understand those forms of communicating. You tried to tell her you had nothing to give and she was angry at you for that. That is true, blue PD stuff. They bleed into and across our human boundaries. They are so entitled to think it is up to us to manage their difficult emotions. It is all about them. Other people don't have it as hard as they do. Oh but we do. And for you to put yourself in a vulnerable position and try to convey to your mother that you were drowning, you were in self-destructive mode, and feeling suicidal, and for her to go silent, as if your pain was a barrier to getting her needs met, is so terribly callous. Funny enough, I tried to convey the same thing to my father during this time when my mother was in hospital. I tried to say I was going to go under if they tried to force me to spend hours with her every single day, without the buffer of my Dh, and he too said nothing. And so when he sneered at me to go see a shrink, I knew that not only had he heard me, that I was very close to having a nervous breakdown before, he threw it back it me then, in anger. And I just knew. He's a monster. This is not love. This is almost a kind of war. But I chose passive resistance. Hah! If I was another person I may have called him on his callousness, but I can never think on my feet around him, and really, that's probably better, because if I had, he'd have had more ammunition against me to slander me to high heavens. Walking away is the most powerful, peace move in the end. I think you'll know if/when you ever get to that point.

[moglow]

That level of brush off and disdain, just comes across as contempt really. I understand that a lot of what we're told is cold hearted projection, but seriously. You feel that way? Keep it to yourself! Spewing it all over me helps no one. Mine did too much of that too and you know what? She's alone now, because far as I'm concerned she chose it.

[overitall]

Hmmm, the one thing?  Gosh, I have had so many and repeatedly went back for more...my father repeatedly bragging about his multiple affairs and then talking about how he and uBPDm had been married 40+ years....he was so proud of the fact he stayed married, yet the entire thing is a farce. 

uNPDf showed up at my house 20+ years ago in the middle of the night and wouldn't leave...slept downstairs on the couch and the next morning proceeded to tell me how his mistress was pregnant (again?) and that he already had one child with her and wanted to try again for a son??!!!  He wanted to stay at my house while he continued his fight with his mistress, while GCsis was blowing up my phone telling me to send him home to uBPDm....he made us the excuse that I needed help with my kids and that was why he was staying at my house....ya, sure....

This has pretty much been the common theme for my parents---uNPDf who is a total womanizer and coward...he can't deal with uBDPm so he runs around with other women behind her back and never stands up to her....when she has suspicions, he will through anyone under the bus for an excuse....

I, again, went NC with both of them due to him being concerned that I "only want his money"  Right before going NC, I had taken him to church and realized his trousers were unzipped...I pointed it out to him and he replied, "oh, it's okay, I'm just advertising"  I literally almost vomited (he is 86) 

Seriously, there is no help for either of them anymore...I'm done with the show...

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know, I wonder if the One Thing is similar to the phenomenon of an addict "hitting rock bottom." Something finally happens that shocks them and us out of our denial and we can't go back. Even if at times we might like to.

My One Thing was when I wasn't able to be a good mother because of the stress of my parents. And then my kids were threatened. Nope nope nope. My self-love wasn't enough to get me out, but for my kids it was.

[moglow]

You know, I wonder if the One Thing is similar to the phenomenon of an addict "hitting rock bottom." Something finally happens that shocks them and us out of our denial and we can't go back.

Yep. I went to what I see as the obligatory or holiday calls, and even those are shorter and less involved than any grocery checkout conversation I've ever had. Going back? Trying "harder"? nope.

[JustKathy]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Hepatica. A PD parent saying "you need to see a shrink" would definitely be a final straw moment.

My final straw with my Nmother came when I was out of work and had a solid job lead that she managed to sabotage. I was struggling to make my mortgage payment and she cost me a job, on purpose. She was jealous of my success and wanted me to suffer financial hardship.

For the first time in my life, I called her and gave her a piece of my mind. She didn't know how to deal with me standing up for myself and went infantile. She started crying, then she set the phone down and called for my father to come and help her because I was "being mean to her." That's when I had my moment of clarity. I ended the call and never spoke to her again.

[SpunHead13]

My "one thing" had a bit of a buildup before it happened.

I had realized after I got sober that I really didn't like the way my Nmom treated me. so for a few years I worked on myself and on learning to have boundaries. Learning phrases like "when you do X, I feel Y". But I was continually met with dismissal or worse. As I continued to try to have healthy boundaries Nmoms behavior got worse and worse.

She began to infantalize me (I was in my late 20s) acting like I wasn't able to do my own groceries, not listening when I said I didn't need help and calling me "the infant" (translation from russian) to my dad. She began to goad me to anger by making requests I would say no to over and over again until id snap back in anger. She was good at doing this while we were alone then would bring it up again in front of my father, I'd snap, she'd act like a victim. When Id call home from college, shed loudly say "Oh so you're failing!" loud enough to be heard through the house, even though I had just said id received a reward or high mark. I now know these behaviors as gas slighting. During this time I continued to keep up contact because I wanted to keep up with my dad. I was Low Contact.

Then one day, just literally walking down the street, I had a realization, I don't deserve to be in pain, I didn't choose to be born, I don't inherently deserve to suffer. I went lower contact. I ignored their phone calls for one day and they showed up at my house unannounced. At first I thought it was just my dad and felt some relief, but he stepped to the side and mom was right beside him. In that moment it was over. After that they called me selfish, said I "owed" them, and finally questioned my sanity, they demanded I come home with them and I refused. That put the nails in the coffin. I knew I couldn't handle the gas slighting anymore and that I couldn't fight against her smear campaigns. I've had moments of feeling grief and self doubt, but the need to remain NC has remained strong.