New here! Wondered if anyone has insights on my story

[ScapeyGoat]

Hi everyone. I just joined and posted to the welcome mat. Now I feel official! I've been lurking for YEAAARS and finally joined because I can't make sense of a situation involving my husband's family. It's clear that my husband's mother is a narcissist (perhaps I'll get into why I think that later) but SIL is the real drama queen. I can tell you stories going back 30 years! We live out of state so we mostly stay out of all of their issues. However, something happened recently that has me scratching my head. I'll try to be brief...

My husband is one of 4 children. His older sister is estranged from the family (lucky her!). His younger brother is very successful and has a nice, normal family (wife, two sons). His youngest sister is the SIL I referenced earlier. Always drama, all the time, spanning decades. Anyways, recently my daughters found out that SIL's daughter was pregnant (she's in college) when she posted on social media a photo of the ultrasound and announced it's a girl, despite no other previous mention of a pregnancy on social media. No doubt, it came as quite a suprise. My husband talks to his parents on the phone WEEKLY, and his brother every couple of weeks. Not ONE person even mentioned it to us in conversation. Apparently niece had the baby very recently and no one has said anything about it yet. I guess you'd need to be on Snapchat or some ridiculous platform to even know about it.

Does anyone else find it odd that no one even mentioned it to us? We got an invitation to a baby shower a month or so ago but that is the ONLY way we would have otherwise known about the pregnancy. I asked MIL's sister (she's somewhat estranged too, I guess) if she knew about it and she said she didn't know and didn't even get an invitation to the baby shower! What the heck?!!! I gotta admit I am a little miffed and just didn't send a gift. I didn't even acknowledge the invitation.

Am I justified in feeling like this is really bizarre? The only reason I can think of for being left out of the conversation is simply because they think we still talk to the estranged sister (maybe once every couple of years) and maybe didn't tell us because they thought it would get back to the estranged sister and estranged aunt or something. I guess we are not supposed to talk to the other sister and we should take their side in whatever phantom issue they had years ago.

On another note, this summer we will be going back to our home state for a gathering on my side of the family. We plan on staying in the area for a few days. On the in-laws side of the family, MIL wants to get all of my husband's siblings and their families together one of the nights we are in town. After this baby drama with the niece, I think the entire gathering will be a little awkward. Not sure how I want to deal with all of that.

[Poison Ivy]

My initial reaction is that the situation doesn't necessarily have anything to do with personality disorders but likely does have something to do with some people's great discomfort (yes, even in the 21st century) with unplanned or unwanted pregnancies or young adults becoming parents (or a combination of those factors).

[moglow]

I was thinking along the lines of PoisonIvy, that they may have chosen to not open the door to questions regarding the pregnancy/child/parentage etc. They may also have been waiting for decisions from the mother - she may have been considering adoption, or there could have been any number of complications during the pregnancy that made them hesitant to discuss it. Assuming the worst rarely ends well and in the end we're each only responsible for our own choices.

That said - i'm not sure I understand not responding to the invitation, not even to RSVP that you can't attend? No card or congratulations or an expression that this is the first you'd heard? However feigned, better to express well wishes and excitement for this new family member than to disregard it. That would be hard for me [particularly as a new young mother] to swallow, regardless of the existing situation between the older family members. To me it's down to us to respond with graciousness and courtesy, regardless of others' behavior. Do unto others, ya know?

My mother did something similar last year with my brother /her youngest child and his family - Brushed them and a long-awaited visit off like it didn't exist, even after they told her directly and several months ahead of time when they made reservations. She continued to make excuses and ultimately made no effort to see them. I honestly dont know they can move forward with her from that, or if I can either for that matter. I was told later she discussed it thoroughly with several others, never said a word to my brother, me or anyone who even visited with my brother while he was here. She went with her assumptions of "motives" and that was that. The few times she and I have talked since, she's brushed aside any mention of my brother, refuses to acknowledge her own (in)actions and behavior. It stings and her refusal to address it doesn't help.

It may be hard indeed, moving past this with them. Have you considered perhaps a bridge building "welcome little one" card to your niece with maybe a gift card or purchase through her registry, straight up apologize for failing to respond to the shower invitation? Address that elephant in the room up front, as it were. Show her who you are and that you care for her/them, regardless of what others may do with that information.

[bloomie]

ScapeyGoat - hi there and welcome. If I understand, this scenario with the new baby is an example of ongoing, confusing, dysfunctional communication within the in law family. Your feelings and assessment that this is a bizarre way to welcome a precious little one are spot on. It does make it tricky to know how/if/when to respond or honor this huge life event for your niece.

In very similar circumstances with a niece we have seen possibly five times in her life who we were told was pregnant, via the highly selective and unreliable family communication system my mil, with a baby we will never know or see (we all live states away from each other) we quietly sent a gift directly to the mommy and babe and when the invitation to a shower came after the fact and then was rescinded and the shower was back on - and mil and sil kicking up a ridiculous cloud of drama and dust around all of that, we kept our distance from it all and declined saying we had already sent our gift and were unable to come to the shower. My suspicion is we were invited so we could travel long distance with mil who lives near us and our 'no' was their out with her for getting her to them. 🤷‍♀️

So in your case, all of the dysfunctional swirl around the baby is then followed up by your mil wanting you all to gather like one big happy family when there are estrangements, a seemingly ignored pregnancy that was then announced and celebrated, and all of the ugly undertow that you, and everyone else know is there.

I can only say, that for me, I don't handle well mixed messaging, chaotic communications, and drama seeking situations or behaviors. I am confused by someone wanting to gather with me and my family who has zero interest in a familial relationship with me outside of gift giving/receiving opportunities or 'Family Reunions" with people who do not trust or like each other. I do not know at all what to do with it and I have learned the very hard way to not try and make sense of nonsense. It is like jumping in the washing machine on the spin cycle for me whenever I step into any kind of communication loop or thread or event with my own mil and sil.

They all speak each other's 'language'. Even my H understands, or at least can interpret, the miss match and inconsistencies of it all in a way I am simply not equipped for. So, I get how disorienting it all can be.

I am thankful you have moved a distance away and have some relief. That has to be so great to have that buffer. Do you think you and your family will attend the in law family gathering? If so, what are some ways you cope with that face to face kind of event?

[ScapeyGoat]

I appreciate your insights. I don't disagree with everything that has been said and am grateful for the feedback.

Part of me feels like a heel for not responding to the baby shower invitation, but they know we live 600 miles away and wouldn't have attended, but I guess we could've mailed a gift. I'm still on the fence about it because I feel like if we weren't important enough to let us know about the pregnancy, then why would they be asking for a gift from us? Also, when I've typically had events (graduations) for my daughters, I courteously send them an invitation with the expectation they won't come, just because we understand the travel is difficult. Eventually, months after the party is long over, whenever NSIL gets around to it, they send a card. I know I should be bigger than that but I just can't get past the hypocrisy. In fact, the last event we had last spring, they were invited and we never heard from them (which I expected so that was fine), but about a week before the event, DH's brother said that SIL and her brood were driving down to our state to attend the party with his family for the day, though NSIL and her brood never RSVP'd with us. So thinking they were coming afterall, we upped the catering order and expected to see them. Then the morning of the party, DH's brother said NSIL and her brood weren't going to make the trip. BIL and his family came alone. 

Anyways, maybe I will send a gift after someone finally mentions that she's had the baby. So far, I only know that she posted a pic of the baby on snapchat. I never saw it. I only know she was having a girl. Don't know the child's name or when she was born. Don't know if niece is living away at school or back at her mom's house (or with boyfriend??).

Another tidbit I want to add is that I highly doubt she was embarrassed by an unintended pregnancy. Perhaps that's the reason why DH's parents haven't spoken of it to us, but that's certainly not the case for niece. I've heard from others that she had been posting pouty Kardashian-like, baby bump highly filtered selfies on social media showing off the pregnancy.

[ScapeyGoat]

ScapeyGoat - hi there and welcome. If I understand, this scenario with the new baby is an example of ongoing, confusing, dysfunctional communication within the in law family. Your feelings and assessment that this is a bizarre way to welcome a precious little one are spot on. It does make it tricky to know how/if/when to respond or honor this huge life event for your niece.

In very similar circumstances with a niece we have seen possibly five times in her life who we were told was pregnant, via the highly selective and unreliable family communication system my mil, with a baby we will never know or see (we all live states away from each other) we quietly sent a gift directly to the mommy and babe and when the invitation to a shower came after the fact and then was rescinded and the shower was back on - and mil and sil kicking up a ridiculous cloud of drama and dust around all of that, we kept our distance from it all and declined saying we had already sent our gift and were unable to come to the shower. My suspicion is we were invited so we could travel long distance with mil who lives near us and our 'no' was their out with her for getting her to them. 🤷‍♀️

So in your case, all of the dysfunctional swirl around the baby is then followed up by your mil wanting you all to gather like one big happy family when there are estrangements, a seemingly ignored pregnancy that was then announced and celebrated, and all of the ugly undertow that you, and everyone else know is there.

I can only say, that for me, I don't handle well mixed messaging, chaotic communications, and drama seeking situations or behaviors. I am confused by someone wanting to gather with me and my family who has zero interest in a familial relationship with me outside of gift giving/receiving opportunities or 'Family Reunions" with people who do not trust or like each other. I do not know at all what to do with it and I have learned the very hard way to not try and make sense of nonsense. It is like jumping in the washing machine on the spin cycle for me whenever I step into any kind of communication loop or thread or event with my own mil and sil.

They all speak each other's 'language'. Even my H understands, or at least can interpret, the miss match and inconsistencies of it all in a way I am simply not equipped for. So, I get how disorienting it all can be.

I am thankful you have moved a distance away and have some relief. That has to be so great to have that buffer. Do you think you and your family will attend the in law family gathering? If so, what are some ways you cope with that face to face kind of event?

Bloomie, gosh you have a great way with words! You've captured all that I was thinking. This completely dysfunctional communication is what drives me mad. My DH says he's not getting worked up about all of this and says he could care less, but he's the type that never admits his feelings about things. It's got to bug him that his family thinks so little of him than to tell him that his parents are about to be great grandparents for this first time, or that his sister is about to become a grandmother, or his niece is about to become a mother. If he doesn't give two hoots about his N sister and his probably N niece, he certainly cares very deeply for his parents, despite the toxicity that his mother often brings to every situation. They are still his parents. He talks to them every Sunday evening and it's really hard to believe that they never brought this up once during all these months.

To your question, my DH will definitely want to go to his parents' gathering the night before my family's gathering back in our home state. They will all just act like nothing has happened. It's all very fake. I'm not sure how I'm going to act. I'll be obligated to attend. I'm just going to have to think on all of this....

[moglow]

DH says he's not getting worked up about all of this and says he could care less, but he's the type that never admits his feelings about things. It's got to bug him that his family thinks so little of him than to tell him that his parents are about to be great grandparents for this first time, or that his sister is about to become a grandmother, or his niece is about to become a mother.

That makes sense to me, but also I know my youngest brother [mentioned above] intentionally disconnected from mommie dearest  and doesn't look to her to share anything other than her dramatics and chaos. He stays out of whatever she's trying to stir and brushes it off, since he's at a distance it's been somewhat easier for him. What's been hard for him is the family's apparent lack of interest in his children and grands. He takes it very personally, not realizing until last year that with mother at least, that's who she is across the board. He thought it was just directed at him, never saw it in motion until she refused to join all of us last summer even for an afternoon or to meet for a meal. That may be where your DH is with any dealings in his family - distance is truly his friend.

I know that for us growing up, that contact with cousins aunts and uncles when we had it, gave us connection outside the disorder. While I'm sure their families were similar to some degree, having those extended family connections would have helped. Mother keeps all contact information close to the chest and I have nothing for most of my remaining relatives, some I don't even know married names or even what state they live in. When I've asked, she gave excuses and blew it off.

I say all that to say, connections and contact may matter to your niece [and/or nephews], particularly as she's starting her own family. She may feel very isolated and even know on some level it's due to her mother and grandmother's antics. She may be every bit as trapped as I, your DH and other family members have felt.

[bloomie]

To your question, my DH will definitely want to go to his parents' gathering the night before my family's gathering back in our home state. They will all just act like nothing has happened. It's all very fake. I'm not sure how I'm going to act. I'll be obligated to attend. I'm just going to have to think on all of this....

Well, thankfully it is just one gathering and you will equip yourself with the tools you need to get through it. The insincerity is hard to see unfolding that is for sure. And the motivation to gather like this is always going to be a head scratcher!!