Does sending a letter help?

[Arnelle]

I'm going to set the context to my current dilemma, so this might be a tad long:

I've gone none contact with my uNPDf over the past few years. It wasn't at all a clean cut, as I didn't quite realise the full extent of the situation when I first asked to be left alone. We had a bad argument at the start of 2020, after which a lot of things about my childhood and early adulthood suddenly dawned on me, that I had never properly realised were things that don't happen in healthy family relationships. At first I didn't even properly process these things, but my body showed me that something was off - we had drawn out conflict over several months and he sent me so many mean messages and twisted my words so much that I ended up having panic attacks every time I received any text message from him, no matter what the message actually said. So at that point I asked for him not to contact me anymore and I made it clear that this was temporary, and that I just needed to somehow figure out how to communicate with him without it affecting me so negatively.

He did respect this to some extent for a while, and I started to see some therapists to try to work on processing what was happening, with the ultimate aim of getting back in contact. Several of them told me I could block him to take back control (as his messages could ruin my day/week whenever he felt like it) and at the time I really wasn't ready for that so ignored this advice because it seemed too drastic. Things were a bit vague and we did have little moments of contact throughout the year, especially around holidays and birthdays, but I did make it clear that I was not interested in regular contact. I do see how this was confusing though, which is because I was confused about it all so couldn't properly say what I wanted because I didn't know.

Cut to the middle of 2021 when it was his birthday. I sent a brief birthday message (literally just "Happy Birthday" with some emojis), and in response he told me that he's had enough of my egocentric ways and that I only contact him when it suits me and he wants nothing to do with it anymore. He told me to live my life and let him live his in peace. I tried to respond saying that it was a shame he felt this way and I was actually working on getting back in touch with him, but that I would respect his wishes, but when I sent this message I realised he had blocked me. Now, as many of you probably know, a message like this shouldn't be read literally, and I knew he didn't mean it, it wasn't the first time he had said things like this and definitely wouldn't have been the last. I knew he would unblock me and act like nothing had happened in a few months, but to me this was the final straw. I felt stupid for having spent so much money on trying to get back in touch (although obviously therapy helped me in other ways!), and stupid for not having blocked him when he did it to me so easily.

That moment was a real wake-up call and I realised that it was time for me to work on moving on rather than work on coming back to the relationship. I felt incredibly sad that day but also relieved to be honest. I decided that taking back control over when and how he can contact me by blocking him in return was a good idea, and I did so, but because I was blocked at the time, I never had the chance to explain this to him. Three months later, his wife reached out to me and said that my dad is sad because he "cannot seem to reach me" and I responded to her saying he told me to never speak to him again, and that I didn't want to be reached. So I did tell her, and I assume this message was passed on, but I never directly told him (although I imagine being blocked makes that quite clear).

Since then, he has sent me numerous presents for Christmas and birthdays, and always gotten really angry when I didn't respond to them. My sister is still in touch with him (for reasons I won't go into here but I don't blame her, this stuff is hard!), so whenever he is angry at me he gets angry at her. To try to make her life easier, I have started to send thank you cards if he sends me presents, but have purposefully kept things off-line so he can't respond. I see how that will again have sent a bit of a confusing message, though, and it's also again just me doing things to appease him because I didn't WANT these presents.

Last week was yet another birthday of mine, and my uNPDf apparently got very angry at my sister for being blocked until she gave him my email address (he had it already anyway so although I wish she hadn't, it's not like he wasn't able to reach me before that. I really don't have an issue with my sister and have already discussed how I would like her to handle these situations in future!), and he reached out to me a few days later saying that he couldn't contact me on WhatsApp on my birthday because he's blocked (but that admittedly he got the date wrong anyway), and that he wished me a happy birthday and would be very happy about any kind of contact from me.

That message really isn't that bad, it's mainly all about him again but he didn't say anything explicitly mean (him forgetting my birthday and telling me is unkind but nothing compared to what he's said to me in the past), and I am getting a lot better at coping with contact from him, but this still really overshadowed my day and made me think about him when I didn't want to, and I am now considering writing a letter to him explaining why I don't want to be in contact with him, because I have never actually properly explained it. At the time of the argument in 2020 I carefully tried to explain my side of things about that argument and that was never properly respected, but I never explained that this was about so much more than one stupid argument.

I know explaining things to him will not change things with him, and it might lead to some mean response, but I am nonetheless considering it for two reasons: (i) it will mean that I've written down all the stuff I've been holding onto, and I've finally said all the things I've been thinking about saying to him for so long and (2) if I send him a letter, my sister will have something to point to whenever he contacts her saying he doesn't understand why I'm ignoring him. I know it won't get through to him, but it will take some of the burden off her because it's a conversation ender, and she's dealing with a lot already.

Long story short, I would love to hear people's opinions on whether you think it's a good idea to send my uNPDf a letter explaining why I've gone NC and telling him I don't wish to be contacted on future birthdays, or whether you have experience with a similar letter even!

[moglow]

Hey Arnelle! It may help *you* to state it, and if so, knock yourself out. Just understand that just as with previous conversations, dad may remember and/or address things differently than as intended.

I've also tried putting things in writing and found that they can and are still sometimes skewed to something I never said, pointing out contradictions only served to further a circular conversation I was trying to avoid in the first place. I learned BIFF [brief, informative, friendly, firm] to be my friend. And I mean BRIEF, as in refusing to give my mother any unnecessary information she could turn into something else. I realized I was contradicting myself in when or if I'd reach out or respond to hers and was waffling all over the place. Mine also went through the whole blocked/unblocked argumentative bs for years until I gave up. She just wanted a source of argument and I let her be who she is - I choose to not participate, not even to address that ridiculousness anymore.

Work out with your sister whatever works best between the two of you and furthers your relationship, just as she can do whatever she needs where dad is concerned. Given information or opportunity, he sure wouldn't be the first disordered parent to try and pit children against each other. Divide and conquer, if you will, with little apparent concern that the siblings have a whole other relationship that didn't really involve him. Or maybe therein is its own source of jealousy...

[SonofThunder]

Hello Arnelle,

First, a warm welcome to Out of the FOG.  Looking forward to having you in conversations on the forum boards. 

Im sorry you experience these behaviors from your uNPDf.  I have a uNPDf as well.  I do not believe it is a good idea to send a letter or verbally express your intentions, which is like handing battle plans to adversaries.  A letter, or any verbal/written JADE of any kind (see link below) is similar to handing arrows to a person with whom you already know gets a self-satisfying rush out of using you for target practice.

Doing so may make the letter-giver feel good/complete as if they have done a sincere thing in a manner which should be considered by the other person.  But, PD's are different in their very nature, as underdeveloped humans, and their minds so self-focused that any JADE is just handing them bait in which to future-hook you in the lip.

See you around the boards,

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

[Srcyu]

Yes I do have experience and no, it didn't help.
My parent was the first to write after I declared no contact. A few letters flew backwards and forwards between us. They were full of blame and comparisons from her. Mine were full of responses.
Finally dh advised me to stop and I did.

Writing to your father puts you in the weakened position of waiting for his reply. He will most definitely reply.
It could get really messy.

You must do whichever part of the process you have currently reached. You may find that you don't actually send the letter after writing it. You might just keep it or burn it (some people do that).
Your mind badly wants to tell him many things. Just be prepared for what you will hear back.



milly

[Arnelle]

Thank you everyone for your responses and bringing these new concepts to my attention, I will definitely read up on them in a minute!

It is true that I *have* tried to explain myself a lot regarding that particular argument and it *has* already led to a cycle of me just responding to accusations. My uNPDf has also definitely attempted to pit his children against each other, I have another sister who has also gone NC who he isn't even trying to reach out to and has always been horrible about, in fact standing up for her is what ultimately snapped me out of the strange dynamic I was in with him, because I find it a lot easier to understand what's right and wrong when it's being done to someone other than me.

So yes, you're all right, I do already know how this would end, I think I'm just still working on fully accepting it. I might still write things down in an organised letter format just so I can myself read it whenever doubts creep in again (I currently do have a list of notes but they're all over the place), and I might explicitly state I don't want to be contacted and then block his email as well, I shall have a think!

[Leonor]

Writing a letter? Yes!

Sending a letter?

Maybe.

To clarify, explain, or make them "see"?

No.

To stand in your truth before them without any expectation or hope beyond hearing you speak the words in your own voice as an adult, regardless of how or if they respond?

Yes.

But for that, writing will suffice.

[moglow]

Re: the letter writing - if it helps you to write it down and get it out, knowing it's not likely to change anything between you, keep on writing letters as thoughts come to you. Maybe journaling or stream of consciousness writing opens up things you didn't realize were there or that you've packed away in dark corners, gets it where you can look at it safely and let it go. I used to like to burn my writings later, something about the cleansing fire, watching all of that smoke dissipate, helped me to physically let some of it go.


Whatever works best for getting the hurt, disappointment and anger out in productive helpful ways for you - always good things!

[Arnelle]

I'm still reflecting on all of this and I think this is a really good point:

To clarify, explain, or make them "see"?

No.

To stand in your truth before them without any expectation or hope beyond hearing you speak the words in your own voice as an adult, regardless of how or if they respond?

Yes.

I definitely won't send a long letter explaining everything, and I am beyond hoping things will change (which took me a long time to get to), but I am still now considering simply stating that I do not wish to be contacted anymore. If I do so, I will send a physical letter and block his email address so he can't respond to me (he doesn't know my address anymore). I have spoken to my sister who has also gone NC and we realised we have both blocked out all kinds of things, so we have started making a list that we can both access and add to which is helping us remember things that happened. Starting this has been really helpful already because seeing it all there in one place, including some really bad things I simply can't remember but know happened, is making it so much easier to let go of the relationship with my uNDPf - letter or no letter.

Again thank you for everyone's advice, it has really helped me to hear your perspectives and just be able to share with people who understand (because often all the things my dad did in isolation sound trivial, so some of my friends have said things like "he's not a bad guy, I'm sure you will make up" which is obviously not helpful at all).

[SonofThunder]

...but I am still now considering simply stating that I do not wish to be contacted anymore. If I do so, I will send a physical letter and block his email address so he can't respond to me (he doesn't know my address anymore).

Hi Arnelle,

As additional information for your consideration, I would like to point out a specific yet very powerful component of a boundary.  I can only control my own action/reaction and not those of another adult human.  Stating "I not not wish to be contacted anymore" can be construed by my PD's as a request of them vs a bold statement of my self-desire. 

My PD's are not interested in my desires, and they simply utilize my desires as a provided target for their manipulative focus. Therefore, telling PD's my desires is indeed, handing them the very arrows in whose destination is the focused target of my desires, which is a JADE.

Instead of that statement, I simply convey my action(s) so there is no confusion, which may assist the PD's understanding of what occurred and why their future attempts are falling short. That may also assist the non's who may live with the PD.  Non's can be recruited by PD's to becoming flying-monkeys to solve confusing matters, therefore the clear upfront last communication. 

You wrote "block his email address".  There is also blocking phone numbers to prevent calls/texts.  So therefore 'blocking' is my action.  It is not a desire, but rather the tool to fully accomplish my desire. 

Therefore, I have communicated: "this email/text is the last you will be receiving from me, and I am currently not receiving your emails, texts or phone calls. Therefore, since I am not receiving, you will also receive no replies to any future attempted communication."

When I sent this, I then immediately blocked all those methods. This has been very effective for me regarding my uNPDf.  It is not my concern whether he understood; I asked nothing of him, nor did I express any desire, but simply conveyed my definitive action.

Wishing you the best. 

SoT

[Liketheducks]

Writing the letter helped me.    I didn't send it.   But, I did have what I thought was a fairly productive sit down at the time.   In hindsight, nothing changed from them.   I have changed, but my PD folks, not so much.   They did say what I thought I wanted to hear in the sit down.   But, they haven't done the work that I've done. (Because they still don't really believe that they need to do any work)   I'm better at boundaries now.   They know that contact with me, when I feel in safe enough a place to handle it, isn't a given.   They do know that they have to be on better behavior with me to continue that contact.   

[Arnelle]

Thank you for this point SonofThunder, that makes a lot of sense! I had thought that by stating what I want I am taking control, but I hadn't considered the "how I want HIM to change HIS behaviour" part.

I have already blocked his phone number both on my phone overall and on whatsapp, and it definitely did help a lot, but clearly I need to do the same with my email (he hadn't tried to contact me via email before)

...but I am still now considering simply stating that I do not wish to be contacted anymore. If I do so, I will send a physical letter and block his email address so he can't respond to me (he doesn't know my address anymore).

Instead of that statement, I simply convey my action(s) so there is no confusion, which may assist the PD's understanding of what occurred and why their future attempts are falling short. That may also assist the non's who may live with the PD.  Non's can be recruited by PD's to becoming flying-monkeys to solve confusing matters, therefore the clear upfront last communication. 

I'm sorry that so many of you have had such similar experiences. It's so hard to properly let go of a relationship like this, but I'm already noticing that it's making me a lot happier, and hopefully it helped you too!

[SonofThunder]

I'm sorry that so many of you have had such similar experiences. It's so hard to properly let go of a relationship like this, but I'm already noticing that it's making me a lot happier, and hopefully it helped you too!

Yes!  Restricting communication from my uNPDf has been wonderful.  Not implementing restrictions from these selfish, manipulative people is, imo, similar to the looming tension of being in a room with a person holding an over-inflated balloon and wielding a pointed object, having fun making others cringe in the unknown of the potential.  Enjoy your peace!

SoT