Struggling

[easterncappy]

This is about some of the uglier parts of myself. I know they are wrong. They are strong feelings and I am trying to be a better person.

I think that I might speak to my mom one day, when everything her and my dad did to me no longer has any power over me. I want her to feel completely powerless if I ever speak to her again. I want her to know that manipulation, verbal abuse, threats, etc. will not work anymore. Nor will the fake tears. If I ever speak to her again, I want to be stone cold and completely emotionally impenetrable. I want to force her to be genuine and confront what she's done - namely, why did she let everything happen the way she did? Why was she so mean to me? Why did she tear me down at every opportunity?

But I also don't want to give her the satisfaction of ever speaking to me again. I want to disappear. I regret that she knows where I live, I want to move and change my phone number and be untraceable. The other part of me just wants her to suffer with the knowledge of what she's done - and she knows, even if she pretends she doesn't, and expected me to pretend all is well too.

Neither of these views are healthy. They're pretty toxic and mean. I started therapy a few weeks ago and my therapist said that the first few weeks or months of therapy are usually filled with terrible, strong feelings. These feelings make many quit therapy before they get to the good part, where they learn how to think differently, cope better, and overall be a healthier person. So far, it checks out. I am livid. I am angry. I've been telling my therapist all of these stories of what my parents did to me. I write them on my blog as well, but saying them out loud to another human being who validates that they were, in fact, extremely abusive and outright bizarre, is making me literally fume.

[easterncappy]

I keep realizing how many of my conversations with her were these pathetic, desperate attempts at validation - because she never really gave me any, and I just wanted my own mom to like me. I think she picked up on what I was doing, because she'd knock me down a few pegs every time I tried. I'd do or say something that I know she would have liked one week ago, but suddenly it wasn't good enough or deserved criticism. This is something I wouldn't have picked up on back when we were still speaking. I know if I ever spoke to her, I would probably go back to this dynamic. I can be aware of it all I want, but the emotional power she has over me is ridiculous. I need to let it go. I don't really know how. I feel like I broke up with a bad boyfriend, except the bad boyfriend was also a high school mean girl bully, and also my own mom. It leaves me with more questions than answers.

When I imagine speaking to her again, I imagine either seeking her validation or being incredibly toxic back to her. I probably have a very, very long way to go before I can have a healthy perspective on this.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you are doing therapy and it sounds like the therapist is good and helpful.

Getting the unpleasant thoughts and feelings out, experienced, written down and processed is good. But gosh is it painful. I feel for you. As you continue with therapy you and your therapist should be able to work through this until you can let it go. I started written online therapy last summer and switched to face to face (same therapist) online in October. I knew it would be hard, and that some times would be harder than others. I hit a real low last month, to the point where I was questioning my therapist about whether I was making any progress at all because it didn't feel like it. In fact I was just digging deeper and dealing with harder stuff and right now I feel much better and as if I have turned a corner.

I am still LC with my mother but dealing with her is nothing like the problem it once was. Dealing with myself and my ingrained coping mechanisms is way harder but I can see myself catching negative thoughts and emotions and dealing with them before they get totally out of hand.

You will get there if you stay the course and do the work. it is worth it. I wish you all the best.

[Saywhat]

I raged for a really long time before I could genuinely let go of the anger. In my experience, it's pretty normal.

My therapist once told me that feeling ashamed for feeling anger is not normal. My family had shamed me into feeling embarrassed about this basic emotion. It's pretty common among toxic family systems to do that. It's how they gain control over you  The truth is had I not thoroughly faced my anger, I wouldn't have healed.

[Srcyu]

Your anger is protecting you.
Without it, you would crumble. 

The stories you are telling your therapist and the writing about them on your blog (I would like to read it but I'm nervous  about signing in) has possibly led to an overload in your emotions. You have two major events going on right now - the letting out of the memories and the pull of wanting to sort it all through with her.

Working on just one memory at a time may help. Going  through it with your therapist until you understand everything behind it.

Dreaming of speaking to your mother either as an act of revenge or hoping for closure would probably fail. She will never be able to give you what you want or need. The answer does not usually lie there.



milly

[treesgrowslowly]

Easterncappy,

Yes. Yes to all that you wrote here. And yes to all that others wrote here as well about this part of the recovery process.

It is hard because there are a lot of emotions, the floodgates open and we feel all sorts of emotions that flow alongside wave after wave of legitimate anger at what we went through with our disordered parent.

there is a strong 'pull' inside us to recover, and you are honouring that by taking yourself to therapy, even through this time of overwhelming emotion.

We can't help but wonder why our own parent is not taking themselves to therapy. It is healthy to wish that the disordered person was going to get help and change. Realizing they probably won't, is a hard realization.

What I found hard during early recovery was the time and space in between therapy sessions. The need for more time with people who 'get it' was something I really struggled with because I didn't have that. Back when I went NC with my FOO, the only people who understood my losses, were the therapists I met with - once or maybe twice a month at best. The rest of the month was long and lonely, and often scary too because most of the time, I had no one around me who understood what i was feeling.

And I was feeling the same sorts of things you just wrote about here. So thank you for expressing it in writing to us, because it reminds us that we are not alone. That this is how the process works.

These are the emotions of recovery. Even though I went NC years ago, it still helps me to know that we are recovering together, as best we can.

I think it was sometime in the first year or 1.5 year period after I went NC, where I started to feel my anger the way you are describing, and thinking a lot about what I would do and want to say if I ever saw her again. I remember getting to a point where I realized that I would never want to deal with her abusive reactions to me ever again. That if I ever found myself in the same room with her again, I would want it to be after I've become completely unaffected by anything she could do or say to me.

Over time, this gave way to a much better understanding of her disorder. Which led to a better understanding of why she and i would never, ever have a productive conversation about my life and what she did to it for the decades before I left. You will reach that emotional state as well, and you will start to feel some relief - right now, the anger is really strong but it going to give way to some relief because this is how our recovery process works.

Honestly, given what the professionals now know about trauma recovery, this all sounds very much like self-protection. Your nervous system isn't quite sure if you are safe from her harms yet. It takes time to wind that down, and to know that she can't hurt you anymore. I think that is what those thoughts about moving are about for you. That your wise nervous system is wanting to feel safe from her.

I do believe that if anger comes up, then we have to let it come up because it is part of our recovery process. That said, it is good to have ways of managing it during the anger phase of recovery. Like you said, talking it out and saying it out loud helps to move it out of your mind, and out of your body.

If you have a place to do so, you might want to try reading some of what you write, aloud to yourself. The act of saying those things, even if no one is in the room or can hear us, can help us to get some of those emotions off of our chest.

Having ways of getting the anger out (without hurting yourself or others) is hard to learn (it was for me, I had no clue what healthy anger looked like). But it's worth exploring anything that is safe and lets you get some of that anger out.

At the gyms now, there are these slam balls, where you pick up the ball and slam it on the ground as a cardio exercise. I have been known to go and use those, and connect with my anger, and see how hard I can slam the ball down. I do that a few times, and I get some relief from the cortisol that I've stored up. A lot of people find that something physical like that can help to get some of that cortisol out of your system. Even just taking the tissue from my tears and tearing it up into a million little pieces has helped me when the anger has come up.

Not to mention, finding songs that allow us to sing loudly and assertively, that help us push out some aggressive energy that is attached to our healthy anger. The anger you are feeling is healthy anger. It is the anger of a survivor who has not always felt safe. I agree with you - staying in therapy through this part will be worth it. You will start to feel safer and safer as time goes on.

Hugs to you,

Trees

[Boat Babe]

Just sending you a hug. Be very very compassionate with yourself as you work through all this deep dark stuff. You are being incredibly brave doing this work and it will so pay off. Hang in there easterncappy.

[Leonor]

Hello Eastern!

I would gently add that anger is a feeling. It's not bad or toxic or something to be healed or avoided or tsk tsk'ed. Bloomie has a wonderful metaphor: anger is the sentry at our gate. It's there to protect you, and let you know something is wrong.

The anger you are feeling is wonderful! It's your true self waking up and venturing out and speaking truth. Even if - especially if - that truth is, "Hey! What the €#@&?!?"

I imagine that anger feels new or weird or scary to you. I bet that some people in your family were "allowed" to be angry (ahem, dad) and other people asked you not to be angry (ahem, mom.) I bet that it would have been very dangerous to express anger towards your dad. I bet that mom not only didn't protect you from dad, I bet that mom threw you under the bus to avoid his anger, but then was the "nice one" so it would have been confusing, if not dangerous, to feel any anger towards her either. Read that again. See how messed up that is? Can you imagine your precious little girl growing up like that? It's infuriating just to think about! How dare they?!?

The thing is, the anger is not dangerous. Raging anger did not "make" your dad dangerous. The violence and lack of empathy made him dangerous. Seething anger didn't make your mom dangerous. Self-centeredness and manipulation made her dangerous.

Think of your baby girl, how adorable and amazing she is in her mad. Babies are so wonderful in the fullness of their feelings! In the loudness of them! Would you ever want to quash or shame or silence any smidgen of her feelings? Of course not! It might make you mad just to think of anyone telling your little girl to not be mad when she's mad.

Well, that little girl was once you. She had a lot to be mad about. And it's not helpful for big you to keep playing the hush-hush game of "anger is toxic" or "anger is unacceptable" or "it's too late now" nonsense.

I say, get in your mad! Here are some great ideas:

Strap baby into a back or front carrier and go on a hike. A mad trek. With hills and stuff, where you have to work it to keep going. Keep going until baby is asleep and your legs are sore and your mind is clear.

Get a ream of paper. Take out a sheet and rip it up. Rip it up more. And more. Now take another sheet. Rip that one up. Keep going until you can make a snowman of ripped up paper on your floor.

Get a small foam baseball bat. Take an old pillow or sofa cushion. Hit the cushion with the bat. Now harder. Now swing as if you were Babe Ruth going for a home run. Swing for the fences. Beat that cushion until your arms drop and you're exhausted.

Where would the world be without righteous anger? What about civil rights? Feminism? Democracy? Recovery? Great, sing in your car with the windows down songs?

I promise that if you allow your little EC to really be in her anger, and express it, and accept her in it, she will not hurt you or anyone else. It will feel weird at first, even silly or embarrassing. Then you may be surprised at how much energy you can release. And then you'll be awed at how clear and calm you'll feel. How centered. And in that clearness will come boundaries for your family and some insight into your mom.

Lean into it.

Repeat as needed.