Complex ptsd/ life story and how I have been dealing with it.

[seasack]

So around six years back, i was in middle school. I had trouble finding friends and I only really had two friends who were close. during this time one of my close friends had been take by child services, plus my other friend was hanging around some bad people and I couldn't be around him. My family was always working so I manly sat in my room playing video games. I was alone at home a lot during this time and had a hard time finding people to relate to.

One day I found this game made back in 2006, it was a game I use to play a lot when I was younger so naturally I decided to play it. Around this time I had recently been introduced to the internet and had some friends online. I had found one character in the entire game that I related to, She was as isolated and alone as I was during this time and so I had a real since of a strong bond with this character. sadly my online friends found out about it, and decided to say a lot of sexual joke in regards to the character. It made me uncomfortable and caused me deep sadness. one day I decided to look up any info about the character specifically in regards to rule 34 which my friends online had told me about.

what I saw, it was disgusting and I fell in horror in what I saw, I went into a great depression and had gotten suicidal and homicidal urges and even attempted suicide and self harm. I had in later probably around 5 or 6 months later to ask from help from my own personal friends and family members, I had been hoping that they would validate my feelings and give me advice on how to deal with my emotions. Instead my own family and friends downgraded my own issue and in since said that my problem wasn't a big deal. this made me feel like crap, I actually believed them so I suppressed my feelings of sadness and depression, which caused me to be an angry and cynical person.

later on in life this was around 2020 my senior year of highschool, my mother had been dignosed with trigeminal neuralgia, and had many nights were she was screaming and crying in pain, I didn't know what to do so I just sat with her and held her hand throughout the night. I had been writing a bit to help with my own emotion but had stopped around this time as the stress of my own mothers health and of college were taking up most of my time. december  of 2020 I had gotten salmonella food poising and was sick for three months, my father had also gotten covid 19 the varient that messing with his stomach, he had been sick for at least two weeks and had lost 15 pounds. 

School didn't work out for me so i decided to work a burger resturant. I had gained a lot of weight and was constaltly having to make trips to get my own mother medicine and groceries as the medicine she was on had left her weak in her legs and constantly dizzy and nauseous. She had driven back home from work one day and I saw that she was in her car not moving and looked like she was struggling to open the car door, so I went over to her helped her out of the car, she told me that she couldn't feel her legs and that she felt very dizzy. I decided to bring her up to our porch and called an ambulance to come and pick her up. later on that day I was told that if I had called an hour later my mom would have been put into a coma and most like would have died from a blood clot, this had also happed to my grandmother who everyone neglected and did help her in keeping up to date with her medication and health.

I chose to stay with my mom and help her until we could find a solution to her health problems. I March of 2022 gotten some kind of food poisoning along side and infection called h pylori, I was sick for 7 months and had went from 198 lbs to 147 lbs. I later have now been informed by a surgeon my mother had met that a precudure was avaiable to her, but there was a likelyhood of her passing away in the surgury, along side that my father has just been told that he may have prostate cancer, my brother's health had been deteriorating from alcohal abuse. my sister's health has been sick for the last two years and has now been experiencing daily panic attacks which I have been trying to help her in controlling them. and to top it all off I have just been dignosed with complex ptsd,  probably around 2 months ago, my trauma from years ago has been hurting me for a long time, I have experienced visions, panic attacks, axiety attacks, and depression from all of this for 6 years.

January of 2023 I decieded to write everyday for a least one hour a day to make this book in which it is telling a story of my own experieces but it is a metaphor as it doesn't explicitly have me as the main protagonsist. 4 days ago I was listening to a playlist of the video game of that character I related to was in and heard a song call "This Broken Soul" by Rebecca knuelbuhl. this song literally is singing about how I have been feeling for the last 6 years, I have been non stop crying for the last 3 days including today.

I have been trying to help my own friends in the past 3 years who had suffering from bipolar disorder and I have learned that I had saved his life years ago with just a simple text " want to join me and our friends to watch a movie at the theatres?" it was coincidentally the day that he had decided he would commit suicide. I have been trying to help so many people I forgot how to help myself through all of what I have been dealing with. writing is my outlet so is music, this had helped me in the many battles I have faced, I suggest you go listen to the song as it is a great listen. I am still writing and am currently in therapy for my CPTSD, I hope to publish this one book in hopes to put my past trauma to rest so I may finally find peace,

I have rambled a lot and I am sorry that this story is all over the place but I hope no matter where you are in the world you can find some kind of insperation to keep fighting, as the character I have related to has continued in the games story to keep fighting so shall I, I not ready to die just yet, I still have a lot of things I want to do first, now back to writing my book have a peaceful day.

[SonofThunder]

Hi seasack,

First a warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  We are a large gathering of kind people from all over the world who deal with a personality disordered person(s) in their lives.  You have certainly experienced an overwhelming amount of traumatic situations in your life and im so very sorry they have heaped themselves upon your life thus far.  Im encouraged to read that you recognize your need for self care!  Yay! ☺️

There is a guiding rule in the toolbox tab (above right) called the 51% rule and I absolutely adopted it for myself. I am here to tell you by living example that the rule is fantastic truth! (See the rule link below). The 51% rule basically states that we must care for ourself at minimum 1% more than we care for all others (51% + 49% = 100%).

One analogy to easily remember this rule is the oxygen rule that ALL commercial airlines teach to passengers who have loved ones riding along in their care. If the oxygen masks are needed, you must put one on yourself and then you may assist others with theirs.  If you pass out from over-caring others without your oxygen, what continued care can you provide?  Without you being healthy, all the people in your post would not have benefitted from your care.  I suggest you adopt the 51% rule from here forward, with regard to your decision-making.  It will guide you on saying yes or no to situations, to properly prioritize self-care.  You deserve self care no matter what others are experiencing! 

I was not able to identify a potential PD person in your story, but can certainly read that you have been traumatized and need of good self care.  There is another tab at the top for 'resources'.  Please look through that tab. There, you will find Out of the FOG's sister site for c-ptsd.  You may want to stroll over there and check it out!  (Link below also).  It may be a great fit and additional resource!

I will keep you in thought and prayer.  You are not alone! 

SoT

51% rule:

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-51-rule

Emergency Resources:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

C-PTSD site:

https://www.outofthestorm.website/