I’m just too old for the games

[InvisibleDaughter]

I'm turning 48 next week and I'm ready to go LC again.

My stepdad died 5yrs ago, it was a year long battle with cancer. My NPD mother made his dying about her. What will I do? I was really starting to see her true colors. One night after leaving work at 11pm I called to see how my stepdad was doing, since I knew she mentioned hospice earlier in the week. He was at the hospital and she told me "he might not make the night". I drove straight to the hospital and he had stopped speaking. My NPD mother was there with my aunt and one of his friends.

I'm thinking between the 3 of you no one thought to text his daughter? I kept these feelings to myself for about a year after my stepdad passed. When I did address them she said she had a lot on her mind. Then she threw the ball back in my court and made a comment about why I wasn't at the hospital. I reminded her that my father died when I was 13 in a hospital and I'm not a fan of hospitals, but maybe she forgot that.

So we had a falling out and I decided it would be better to go LC, which I did the past 4yrs. She started dating a new guy and married him after 2yrs. She wanted me at the party, I eventually caved and went. I've only met him a few times, never met his 3 kids and only found out his last name from the invitation. I attended the party which was small, maybe 40ppl total. My cousin pointed out how she hadn't introduced me to anyone. I tried to let it go. I finally called her on it. I told her I felt invisible and asked her why she didn't introduce me to anyone    Her reply, well I was so busy at the head table ppl kept coming up to congratulate me. I'm like Mom there were 40ppl there not 250. Then backed in a corner she admitted that she hadn't thought of it.

The wedding party was in June come December I was dreading Christmas. As a Christian it's a wonderful holiday but my aunt has a get together and I always see my NPD Mom. I decided to attend church for 2 services this year, I also serve at church so it's very rewarding. Omg she freaked out. She wouldn't drop it and kept asking me why I didn't want to spend Christmas with my family. Mind you we live 5 minutes away from each other, yet never spend time together.

We met for breakfast in January to talk because she wanted to work on "us". She wanted to tell me what a wonderful mother she's been and she's really upset about me constantly bashing her. A few years ago I went to therapy about my NPD Mom (shocker), we agreed that she was a narcissist and more than likely wouldn't change. I made the mistake of sharing this with her in hopes that she would actually care about the pain she's inflicted on me. She spun a web and was the victim before I knew it. She's had to distance herself, when I'm the one who's pushed her away.

Now she's 69 and starting to have some issues with her heart/circulation. I'm usually the most empathetic person I know. I'm just numb. She goes on and on about her symptoms and what might happen, etc. Mind you I've been suffering with lower back pain since last September seeing one doctor after the next trying to find a diagnosis. I'm up to see a rheumatologist in April. Once again I'm never important.

My birthday is next Thursday. I already have breakfast planned with a good friend and dinner with my hubby. My NPD Mom will wait until the last minute to set something up, then get upset that I made plans with my friend.

I've felt invisible my whole life, and after I deal with her I'm drained and sad. I'm dying slowly from a million paper cuts to my heart. Little digs or not including me.

I'm weighing the options of LC versus NC. At this point whatever love I had is gone, but that's by her actions not mine. I'm asking for advice from those who have weighed LC versus NC.

[Jolie40]

there was a very chaotic year with all of FOO a few years back & I went NC with all

since then, this past year, I did break NC for two siblings
one sibling moved out of state
I found out this sibling was lonely/depressed so I started face time with them
another sibling, I decided to call, no one has my cell no. except husband, so the calling is on me not sibling

PD parent passed on in Dec
the above two siblings posted on FB pics & postings making it sound like PD parent was the "perfect" parent
however, I was the scapegoat so I didn't have the same perspective


in the end,  parent was in nursing home last couple yrs
a third sibling contacted everyone to say she was about to pass on, so husband, kid, and I did call to say good-bye

[Srcyu]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear your story.

I went NC for many years before she died of old age. Initially I had planned LC. She put a stop to that very swiftly by unwittingly exposing that all of my suspicions were true - she did not like me and she blamed me for just about everything.

LC is an attempt to regulate our exposure to the abuse. NC is when we realise there is nothing worth staying for.
You mentioned feeling numb. I felt that after she died.

I hope that you can make the right decision for you.



milly

[Sheppane]

Hi Invisible daughter

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I think you've put it clearly " I'm ready to go LC again ". And I think that's it , the readiness. It's like we know when we have reached that point - when there is some moment , some defining event which brings clarity with it. It's like it becomes something we " need " , not even so much a choice about one route or another but something which has frankly become necessary.

Whether that is LC or NC I guess depends very much on everyone's individual situation and desires or wishes.

The funny thing is I think we sometimes spend a lot of time thinking which path to go down but yet when we look objectively at it some of the work has already been done. I'm thinking of my own situation where I was considering NC but am trying to maintain LC/ VLC.  And yet the rest of my FOO make no efforts with me it is completely one way.  So I thought i was doing LC but no one else is doing it too , so the relationship is already sort of NC ( from their side - the discard ), I just hadn't noticed !. Do you have much contact from your mother ? Does she do LC too ?

I was very struck by that story with your stepdad and I'm very sorry you experienced that. How isolating and hurtful to not be told. And then to be told she had a lot on her mind? It sounds classic NPD taking no responsibility and making no space for YOUR feelings and how much may have been on YOUR mind. My mom has done similar in the past withholding information and then says " oh but you wouldn't have wanted to know ". It's very manipulative and mean.  To me it means we are out of the loop , not part of the prized inner circle. And then to ask you why you weren't at the hospital ? Deflecting the blame to you ? How could you have known.

If I may say so I think you are being very generous to her by saying " maybe she forgot" how upsetting you find hospitals given your father died in a hospital when you are 13. I think in a healthy loving relationship that is something which would be born in mind and not forgotten. I'm very sorry you had that experience too at a young age. I know I do a lot of " maybe she forgot " " maybe she didn't understand " maybe I didn't make it clear ". I think sometimes excuses for behaviour are less painful than looking at them straight on. I guess perhaps it is also true that she did forget , and I know it is helpful too to take people at face value and give the benefit of the doubt, but I know I do this a lot and in those situations where I check it through with a non PD they are always amazed that I am making excuses for them. I just don't often see it myself. It is a wonderful quality to give people the benefit of the doubt but I think in these relationships with NPD / PD it can lead us down a slippery path. 

The ageing narcissistic I think is well known for tugging at all the heart strings as far as medical complaints go. And what better way to get supply. As you said you have your own medical problems top but they don't " matter" as much.

I'm glad you have made nice plans for your birthday for yourself and I hope you really enjoy that. It's so typical the last minute NPD arrangement. I remember one year reminding my mom it was my birthday to see if she would like to meet me. Thinking about it it has a desperate ring to it. She did a " oh I would have suggested that but I didn't know if you'd want to". I've also had the situation where the arrangement was so last minute I couldn't do anything as I had made plans elsewhere- which then just served to confirm I was " pushing her to the side ". Leave it long enough so that when she has made plans with other people I can then sulk about how she didn't invite ME first !  When you think about it it is usually not the birthday person who has to take the initiative on plans in normal relationships.

Back to the title you said you are too old for these games. Yes they are games and we don't have to play anymore of we don't want to. You also said that any love you had is gone,  but that's by her actions not yours.  That sounds like a very strong and healthy place of acceptance. Maybe that can be your gift to yourself for your birthday.

Have a wonderful day and I hope in time you feel you make the right decision.

If it helps I read somewhere on the boards someone said they were no longer looking for a relationship because they knew it would always be fraught. But they were hoping to have superficial contact rather than no contact. It got me thinking of the difference between low relationship / and low contact.  The level of contact is just what we work out when we feel the relationship is already gone, to an extent. Its a practical arrangement. I think NC is often a last ( but often necessary) resort for lots of folk. Maybe which path we go depends on what we would ideally like given the reality of the situation. Some need complete NC. Others accept the relationship is gone but try a superficial level of contact through LC or VLC, knowing that will not " fix" it either. Maybe it depends on what we need for our inner peace.

Good luck.