DH gaslighting himself

[Pepin]

Since the passing of CN MIL, DH has been bringing her up from time to time in conversations -- definitely nothing I have initiated and I never will.  It's weird how he talks about her because it almost seems like he is gaslighting himself.  He still utilizes excuses to cover for her behavior and make her look like a saint.  And he definitely defends any of his enabling of her behavior by clinging to the notion of loyalty.  If one were to subtract "loyalty" from the situation, DH would be looked upon unfavorably and his mother would fare even worse for her behavior.  If I have to talk about CN MIL to anyone else for whatever reason, I have to provide some sort of context, particularly cultural context, to protect DH.  On the inside, I'm embarrassed and seething that I am still a part of this circus.  And I know over time that the conversations around CN MIL will eventually taper off and memories of her will be left behind....but man, the dent she left behind has been unreal. 

It is difficult for me not to want to interject and question DH when he talks about her.  Like sometimes, I just want to get him thinking and say something to realize how messed up things were.  And I know he cannot see it now -- and I wonder if he ever will?  Or will he continue to gaslight himself telling stories about her that just aren't accurate.     

[Srcyu]

I think he'll continue to gaslight himself.
He can't really accept any other version. He 'needs' to believe what he says and claims to remember.  He feels that he has done the right thing by asserting his belief that he was loyal. He gains his own self esteem by believing he was a good son and she was a good mother.

It seems that his brain is protecting him from what you could see.

The dent left behind is created by him I think. He may feel lost. There could still be the chance of brief and very small insights from him. They could be nothing more than a quick flash and then gone.


milly

[Leonor]

Oh Pepin, I'm so sorry.

It's like he's gaslighting himself and you're being gaslit by proxy, because his idealization of his mom necessarily minimizes, even if only in terms of seconds past or word count, how much damage she wrought on you.

Whenever my dh starts to get all "oh woe is she" about his mom, I get rankled, sharply. It's like he's pining for another woman ... to me. Which, in some way, he is!

A couple of things have helped me deal with these painful moments. One is boundaries. I just don't want to hear about it. Any time I notice the stress or space out level rise in dh, I ask him if everything is ok, and if the answer starts, Oh, well, my mom is ... I stop it right there. I pat him on the arm and give a little I'm sorry to hear that smile and say, "I'm sure it will be all right" and then I get myself out of there. Because all that will happen is a three-alarm fight. Boundaries give dh permission to mope about if he wants and me permission to not deal with it.

Another thing is actually something dh taught me. When I was all wrapped up in healing my own stuff, I would just beat myself down for being wrong or crazy or ungrateful or whatever, and dh would listen and then remind me very gently of some fact I was forgetting. Like, "Yes, it's hard to believe. But you know, she did say this or that ..." Just a little reality check thrown in. And now I can do it, too. "I know your remember that visit as special, but you know, that was also the time your dad did (this or that.)"

But then again, sometimes I lose my mind and become convinced that he only married me to watch his kids while he babysat his parents, I've made a terrible mistake, I should get a divorce attorney, he is uninterested in a real adult commitment, and the best way to express these very grown up feelings is to slam pots and pans to ring the bell on that three-alarm fight we were barreling towards anyway.

But sometimes, verrry rarely, but sometimes, dh will bring up some ridiculousness and say, "omg, can you believe how crazy they are?" And I will say, "Believe it? I live it!" And we can actually laugh at the sheer craziness of whatever it was we're remembering.

It is not impossible. It really isn't. But his grief is going to be complicated because he was abused and it's hard for him to look at it.

[Pepin]

But then again, sometimes I lose my mind and become convinced that he only married me to watch his kids while he babysat his parents, I've made a terrible mistake, I should get a divorce attorney, he is uninterested in a real adult commitment, and the best way to express these very grown up feelings is to slam pots and pans to ring the bell on that three-alarm fight we were barreling towards anyway.

Can I relate to this!  My younger wife/mom self was convinced sometimes that I was the only one doing the parenting for the both of us while he skipped out the door to babysit his parents.  I worked hard during the week to get things taken care of and activities scheduled so that we could spend time together on the weekends.  And then weekends suddenly became FIL/CN MIL time.  It was as if M-F was reserved for the kids and I and Saturday and Sunday was his time with his parents.  I know, very unsettling.  I mean, when was I supposed to get to spend time with DH -- and the kids, what about them spending time with their dad? 

My boundaries to date (when DH starts reminiscing about CN MIL) are to pretend to plug my ears and just internally shout out loud.  I literally am watching his lips move with some uh huh, peppered in and then it is over.  Hopefully over time he will just speak of her less and less...it is terrible of me to admit but I just kind of want to forget that she ever was a part of my life...