Dreading encounter with abusive brother at NMother’s funeral

[Nina]

NMum died recently. I was there. That was OK - in fact good, and a healing experience.

Now the problem is the funeral where I am going to encounter my abusive brother. I am dreading it. C-PTSD was identified two decades ago. Now, I am shaking, crying, anxious, and some days unable to function, at the thought of seeing him. After NMum's death, I offered (again) to communicate with him directly in a shared thread where he should remain always respectful and professional but he refused (again), instead writing directly to my husband & trying to triangulate. He'll only communicate with our sister.

I'm the only one involved in the funeral planning, have a serious medical condition, and I cannot cope with any more stress. I will need to book a separate limousine for him, or shuffle people around so he travels with my sister, am thinking about hiring a private security person for the day. I will speak to the person conducting the funeral and ask for support. The funeral director doesn't want to know and actually seems embarrassed and inconvenienced by the subject of family conflict or abuse. I don't know when brother is arriving or where he's staying, and I need access to our mother's home. An injunction isn't possible. Does anyone have any ideas please about how I can minimise the impact of being around him on the day of the funeral, or trying to take control of our mother's estate? I am the eldest child but he always thinks he's the boss of everything and everyone. I am normally competent and level-headed and was fine until my sister started talking about our brother coming over, but now I'm really struggling.

Thank you!

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

I am not sure where you are based but it is generally not possible to exclude people from funerals. You can, however, exclude yourself if that is an option for you. There is no reason at all why you should miss your own mother's funeral but you may have mixed feelings about attending, given you say she was N. So do bear in mind that you do not have to attend, even if you are organising it. A medical condition might give you an excuse not to attend if you wanted to explore that idea.

I am sad to hear the funeral director is uncomfortable and unhelpful because they must have come across this sort of thing before. An actual fist fight broke out at one of our family funerals! It does sound like a sensible idea for you to speak to the person conducting the funeral in case they are more receptive to the issue or have some suggestions to make.

As for the estate - can that not be done via lawyers?

Please take care of yourself in all of this. It is a very stressful time. I am sorry for your loss.

[Nina]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. It's always helpful to hear others' perspectives, and it helps to normalise some of the ideas I might otherwise be inclined to dismiss.  I've decided to give myself the option of not attending if I need to, as I can always organise a separate event or memorial service when we inter the ashes.

And lawyers for the estate, yes. He hates boundaries that infringe on his entitlement & superiority, but I need somehow to make sure he doesn't start getting ideas and acting on them without including his sibs.

I'm in a much better place now. Thank you!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry for your loss, and for all of the turmoil your mother left behind her in the next generation. You are being extremely self-sacrificing already taking care of your NM's estate and being with her at her death. I'm glad it was overall positive for you. It can't have been easy.

I was surprised by the funeral director's reaction, too. You'd think they'd be on your side with the goal of getting through things without a scene. Or fistfight. Egads.

I really like NK's response too, so I won't repeat those good thoughts. If hiring a security person is a necessary funeral expense, so be it. I don't think you need to book a separate limousine for your brother, however. I say book it for you, your husband, and only and exactly who you want to be with you and trust not to let him in. In all of this, remember that 51% rule.

[Nina]

Thank you very much for your message and for the reminder about the 51% rule.

Yes, the interaction with the funeral director was surprising. There was some judgement there which my husband commented on after the meeting. Strange, because it must come up often. You'd think they'd want to be sensitive to these things, to support those at risk. Family abuse is very common, after all, and it's not an insignificant number of people who are going to be organising funerals for their abusers.

Today I'll be talking to the person taking the funeral service so will speak to them about my concerns.

My brother arrives in the country shortly and will no doubt want to start some projects at the house in order to feed his grandiosity and discharge feelings he has no capacity to deal with. He's caused such emotional carnage in the past, trying to take control of our mother's land unilaterally after Dad's death, involving architects and surveyors without consulting anyone else, throwing things out from our parents' loft without consulting anyone either. He is so bullying and entitled, never thinks he needs to consult anyone else about anything, and treats everyone with contempt if they question him. It's all so emotionally draining and exhausting.

I managed to move the funeral back a couple of weeks to buy us some extra time to notify people, so I'm pleased I have the extra breathing space to put measures in place and prepare myself emotionally. Thank you for your support.