Hello

[emberablo]

My therapist recommended I read some of the information here to try and help me get clarity and a sense of direction, and I figure that joining the forums would also be beneficial.

I'm not sure how to start. After reading about the personality disorder my therapist suggested I might be dealing with, the mother of my children having borderline personality disorder, I feel like I might have it also.

We've known each other for over 11 years now. We discovered each other on a dating website, and started hanging out. I never felt like we were ever "in a relationship", though we were intimate, and we went on vacations... after about 2 or 3 years she moved (3 hours) away saying it was for work. But later I found out it was partly me she was getting away from, but also to be in another relationship.

4 years ago, we made contact again, while my last relationship (that was going nowhere) was ending, we discussed starting a life together and having kids. We aggreed and started trying... over time it became less romantic and more medical. We even ended up going to the doctors to discuss fertility treatments.

Little things would bug her, and she would blame me.

Theres mold growing in the pool, it's because you pee'd in the pool. (any evidence, even anecdotal internet posts, is good enough that it's someone fault) Not that she wasn't caring for the pool properly.
Theres a scratch on this, it must've been you. (even though it was a cast iron thing, and the paint was fine... it wasn't a scratch at all)

In the middle of this we had a pretty bad falling out, where she thought I was cheating on her because I went to a coworkers house. I did not, and have never. We eventually got over this and continued trying.

Once she got pregnant, things got really rough... she would ask me to do things and I could never do them to her satisfaction.

Install a fence around the pool. (I'm not a handyman, I'm not great with tools, or installation of anything.) I added a little bit of space to walk in one spot around the pool and she was pissed. It wasn't straight, and I was already upset that it wasn't coming out like it should. There was no way I could get this done right.

Arguments were regular...

4 or 5 months into the pregnancy she stops talking to me. I said something to upset her... I guess it was one of the last straws, she said "I'm fat and disgusting." Trying to reel her back, and say "you're not disgusting, and youre not fat you're only big because you have our baby" I said "you're not disgusting..." thinking of how to phrase the rest... - "so you think I'm fat!" ...
Basically we don't talk until the day our son was born. In the middle of a pandemic, I get a hotel near where I think she's giving birth. And I text her, I'm going to be there, at least in the parking lot...

I get a text around 6:30 saying "your son is here, and he is looking for you"

We figure out how I can see him through the window of her room.

After her stay in the hospital, for having a Csection, she asks me to check on her dad who is supposed to have put together a crib or something. I go and find out that he's not done, and theres a ton of stuff left to do. I let her know, and I tell her I'll take care of it and get it done. I get the carseat in my car, and pick her and our son up from the hospital.
On the way back, I pointed out I read a post on reddit that was shunning a facebook group who had statements about "csections mothers arent real mothers"... and how I was making statements against that group... she immediately felt that I was telling her that I agreed with those statements. (And now holds that against me.)

I fix the things that needed fixing, and we try to make things better and normal.
Starting to get into the groove of having a baby. Clean and sanitize the bottles, get formula ready. Change the diapers.

One day our son cries during changing (due to a diaper rash) and makes this sound like The Count on sesame street "ah' ah' ah'"... I laugh, trying to not let the stress get to me. She immediately thought I was being insensitive.

She believes I cause him diaper rashes, because I'm too rough. Where now I've only changed at most 4 of his diapers through his life (he's almost 3 now.)

She believes I'm causing him heat rashes on his body, because I hold him too long and I got too hot. So I was only able to hold him for a few minutes at a time. I bought "cooling" sleeves and other stuff to try and prevent him from getting hot. (I believe she also kept the temperature of the house up while I was there. Saying it's safer for the baby with the tempurature higher... yet when I'm not there she kept it colder.)

After about 3 months of this, she lets me stay with him for a few minutes while she went to the store. She said she'd be gone for about 30 minutes or more, so I figure I'll take a nap, and took him into the bedroom to nap on the bed. Laying him next to me, lights off, we rest. I hear the door open, and she comes in, I try to get up from the bed quietly so she doesnt wake him up... she walks into the bedroom and sees me adjusting my pants, and immediately thinks I was doing "something" to our son.

Now I cant be left alone with him.

A week or more later we have an argument. While she's trying to go back to work (working from home), but we don't have any place to take him (pandemic)... so I'm there trying to help.
I'm trying to feed him on the bed, and he's drinking the bottle very fast, and starts to cough. She thinks I'm forcing him to drink fast, and keeping the bottle in his mouth. Argument ensues, he's getting fussy, and I'm causing it... and now I'm putting words into our 3 month old son's mouth. She was mad at me, I was trying to say "he's getting fussy because he can feel me being agitated by you" .. but it came out "he's getting irritated because I'm getting irritate." not letting me finish the statement. She heard "he's getting irritated because of you."

This is when she kicks me out saying "never talk to me again".

6 months later, I've refinanced my house to afford a lawyer, and get a lawyer to send he paperwork to discuss custody... etc.

She calls me up, and we discuss things, I cancel with the lawyer. Things are amicable...

Things aren't great.

I get hotels every other weekend (if i remember correctly), and go visit my son. We also try to do video calls every tuesday and thursday... but this isn't perfect.
Eventually she tells me to stop getting a hotel, and just stay there in the guest bedroom.

We start discussing her moving to where I live. This is something that would be good for her work, and she'd be closer to me for help when needed, and I'd get to see my son more often () . I offer she can move into my house until she can get someplace in town to live... it's agreed.

We clean up her house, get it ready to be sold. Get rid of crap, etc.
I clean up my house and move out of the master bedroom, so she and our son can have the master bedroom and attached bathroom.

Move all of her stuff into my garage. (From a humid climate to the desert.) 

Some furnature got damaged in the garage because of the heat, she blames me that I "went into the garage and hit the furnature to split the wood" (the veneer of a dresser was split from the heat). We had some arguments. She moved out once she got a new place.
Things were kind of ok, but she's been distrusting of me. She still asked me to do things at her new house; install a lock on the sliding glass door, install baby gate in the front room... etc. Everything I do though, is done wrong.

She starts questioning me on things, I get defensive. "Why did you lock the back door?!" ... I dont remember it, I didn't do it. But she has proof that I locked the door, I dont remember doing it, but she had nanny cam footage. So now uses this as I'm just lying to her about everything... so anything out of place or damaged... it's my fault.  She accuses me of gaslighting when I don't remember the way she remembers things.

When things were bad, I got to see my son by calling him on facetime, tuesdays and thursdays... sometimes (like once a month, when weather was good and she felt she could watch while doing work in her car) could go to the park with him.

Some how, about 6 months ago, things were going ok, and we discussed having another... so shes pregnant again. And we're about 4 months in, basically shits hitting the fan again. It's really hard.

I don't think I'm conveying in writing how hard this has been. Probably because I've been sick the past few days. A few months ago, I had to call the helpline because I couldn't stop crying because how she treats me. How she keeps my son from me. How she acuses me of being a bad person... its not the first time I've had to call the helpline. And I had been working with my doctor to find medication to help me deal with the stress... but more recently I've been trying to just talk to a therapist to get through it.

I only get to see my son on tuesdays and thursdays because I take them out to dinner. If it wasn't for that I'd probably only see him on facetime.

About 4 weeks ago thursday I take them out to dinner, everything was going fine until I was wanting to pay for the check, our son was acting tired and sick. I get up to the register and wait for the waitress. I stare at the desk because I know not to look around. I see someone in the corner of my eye, and look up, no some dude and his girl getting ready to pay also. I look down back at my check. Then hear my son say "daddy!" from across the restraunt. I look up, and see her look of "WTF why did you check that girl out" (this isnt the first time she's accused me of this) I waive to my son, and look down again. The waitress appears and I pay. I walk to where they were and they're already gone.  I head outside to see what was going on... she was telling me I was checking out that chick for 5 seconds... and they stood in line behind me because I made them uncomfortable to stand in front of me.  (Shes accused me of checking out other women, on his birthday when we went to the zoo, specifically while walking out and I couldn't see with the sun in my eyes... and many other times at restraunts... oh and at the hospital)

When I deny her claims of me checking someone out, thats me gaslighting her.

He brought home Covid that night... and he was a trooper, but she got hit hard... I offered to take to her to the ER that saturday, she said no then finally agreed, and made me take her to urgent care... Urgent care told her to go to ER because it may be something with her heart... we waited in ER for over 5 hours.
What I didn't know was how bad she felt, I got our son in the car, but didn't open the car door for her. I wasn't the best person, I know. I was struggling to handle a 3 year old, that I don't get a lot of time to learn how to deal with. I asked her to hold something while I was struggling to get water for our son. "here can you hold this" trying to find a spot to just keep it off the ER ground, I gave a bit of attitude saying "ok, I guess not" or something.

But again I'm trying to deal with a 3 year old that I'm not experienced with other than playing toys with him, a FULL ER Lobby, and not looking around because god forbid I'm looking at some chick. Getting stiff, I sit back and still looking at our son, and down at the ground. Because I adjusted I was moving my body in the direction of a girl... she asked me to leave half way through the ER visit. I can't explain it well right now.. but it was hell in there. I came back because our son was asking me to come back, and I got food for us...

I started getting the effects of covid that night, and it was bad. And if she was feeling the way I felt, I get it, I get she didn't want to deal with me... but I didnt know then. But I tell her how I'm feeling and I "must be faking it" to get the antiviral, and "if you did get it, It can't be that bad" for me... she's pregnant, so she felt it worse. (I told her I was sick with this new cold I just got, and having trouble breathing at night... "can't be that bad, you're probably exadgruating it."... and how, no she's pregnant she feels worse than me.)

I don't get to hold my son even now, now she's in the second trimester, she's telling me I'm not allowed to hold him, becuase it makes him want her to hold him. Or to not walk. Whats worse, is that last time I saw them, it was time for me to leave and he didn't want me to go. She suggested I take him for a drive for 5 minutes. I did and when I came back I was holding him to bring him inside. She then held out her hands to take him from me... This started a whole thing about her bleeding during the pregnancy is because I handed him to her, instead of putting him on the ground. (not the fact she moved two queen matresses that same week.) Thankfully she had a follow up with her OBGYN and they said everything is fine.

Things have been a struggle... I'm always to blame. I'm the bad guy. I'm insensitive. I'm gaslighting.
I'm a "druggie" because I've been taking, and trying to find the right anti-anxiety meds. (I don't take anything not prescribed to me, I don't even drink.)

I love her. I do everything I can to make her happy.
I'm always apologizing when things dont go right.

She's never said she's loves me.
She'll talk to me on the phone for upwards of 2 to 4 hours a night, and 6 to 8 hours a day on the weekends.

(Sorry this is disjointed, and the end is a little abrupt... I've just got over covid, and now have a cold.)

A few months ago I watched the movie gaslight to see what gaslighting really means... I felt this uncomfortable sadness that I was the one being gaslit. My friends/coworkers tell me I'm the one being abused. Of course, she tells me I'm the abuser, and that nurses (one nurse) are telling her I'm abusing her.

Maybe I'm not a great person. I'm definitely not perfect. But I try so hard to keep her happy and do what she needs, and to be able to see my son...
I give her money every two weeks, child support we've agreed upon, for daycare/food/diapers/clothes etc.

[bloomie]

Hi emberablo. Welcome to this community. I am exhausted just reading through all you have been through in this relationship and in trying to stay in contact with your son. I can't imagine living this way. I am so sorry a relationship you thought was going to be so fulfilling is fracturing and filled with difficulty.

Something we say here at Out of the FOG is to put children first. Here is a link to a helpful article about doing that: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first

It seems like getting a legal shared custody agreement in place where you can have time with your son, and this new child at the appropriate time, would be your highest priority. If I am understanding you are living separately? So, working through where the relationship actually stands and figuring out how to draw limits and boundaries around how far you engage with your son's mom is going to be a challenging task. I am thankful you have in real life support with a therapist as you do that.

I can't imagine trying to relax and bond with my child with someone lurking or hypervigilant over my shoulder constantly criticizing and accusing me of wrong doing. The no win situation it seems like you are constantly being put in has to be awful.

No one here can diagnose another, but many of us wonder if we have something seriously going on with us when we have been exposed, in close intimate relationship, with another person who is disordered. Living under this level of stress and anxiety can take a huge toll and make processing and making good decisions even harder. You may simply be a person who has been living under an abusive cloud for far too long.

We mostly focus on behaviors here - ours and those we can identify in our loved ones and then develop tools and strategies for dealing with those behaviors that are harming us or no longer serving us well.

The toolbox at the drop down menu above is very help and I can't encourage you enough to read through it and read through it again as it all starts to sink in and make some sense.

You say you love this person and yet they have never told you they love you. That is truly heartbreaking and something very important to think through. You don't have to accept the status quo if you don't want to. You have rights as a parent and the right to be treated with respect and human kindness and to step back from someone who refuses to show gratitude and appreciation for all you are doing for them.

Keep coming back. Join the conversations. Read through the threads and take a look at all of the resources offered here. You have a lot on your plate, but you are not alone. We are here and we will support you as you figure out the best way forward. Thank you for taking the time to share a snap shot of  what you are going through.

[emberablo]

I'm glad my struggle has been conveyed. I don't feel it's descriptive enough... or enough to where I can identify what I can do, or maybe I'm in the wrong. Its easy to tell a story where the other person is wrong especially when you feel hurt yourself. Everyone around me says that I'm a saint for putting up with it. My therapist says I should look at the situation, and ask myself if I can accept being submissive and put down for the rest of my life... Others say I should go the legal route and split up and deal with it.

I've tried to stay away from the legal side of things, I've tried to give the benefit of the doubt to her. The financial cost of court and the requirements that I've heard come from court, doesn't make financial sense and is a burden we both don't want.

The big reason I forced myself to get in to talk to a therapist was how I handled the last situation at the restraunt. I blew up in a fury of texts after she left, telling her how she's gaslighting me, and that I wasn't doing anything wrong. (This was a day before she started getting hit with covid.) I think it was a new set of anxiety meds I was put on that made me respond that way... but I was put on those meds because I've been having days where I just cry because how inferior I feel, how I feel pushed out of my sons life, and the only person I feel I love treats me worse than a slave.

I've read a lot of the stuff in the toolbox. I just don't like the idea that this is final, or i need to stop idolizing her, and that there's no relationship here. I don't want that to be true. Right now I guess I'm trying to convince myself that I am the problem, and I can change.

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my welcome. And yes, you can change. As a start, you can stop JADE and start medium chill, read it up on the Toolbox. Practice, practice, practice. Get help for yourself in addition to therapy, find a support group, check out CoDA if that works for you. They have online groups.
If you want to stay in this relationship and be a stable, rational, healthy force in your children's life you will have to change and jump off that crazy roller coaster of high drama, explosions and reconciliation you and your partner are on. Drop the rope, work on your own mental health. Become the father your children deserve. People on this forum are all struggling with the crazy in our life and we support each other to move to mental health. I am glad you joined us.

[Srcyu]

Hello,
You are having a very difficult time with your love for her and your involvement with your son.
You may finding that reading up about maternal gatekeeping can help you to understand some of what's going on here.

Your self reflection and acknowledgement of where you may have gone wrong is a strong plus from your direction.

If she allows you anymore babysitting time it could help to keep things running smoother if you discuss which activities she would like your son to be doing.


milly