Adopted by a woman with NPD and almost free ?

[mayajoones]

Hello,

I was abandoned at birth and then adopted at 3 months by a woman with undiagnosed NPD. I was physically, financially, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused from the moment she adopted me. It took 24 years before I was able to escape the abuse by moving to another country with no money. Despite being advised by my therapist that the way she acted with me meant she definitely was narcissistic, I still kept contact with her over the phone and email and I was spending every important holiday with my adoptive abusive family.
Most of the members of this family also seem to have a personality disorder or be abusive. I was and am the scapegoat. My adoptive mother with NPD has had cancer for the last 15 years and has used it to be manipulative and abusive.
I tried for the last 8 years to go no contact but my adoptive mother with NPD always managed to reel me back in. I have CPTSD due to her abuse and after years of suicidal ideation and being very low everytime I would have a contact with her, I went no contact almost 3 months ago. I was finally feeling free and happy about it. But now her flying monkeys including the adoptive family are calling me to pressure me to go and visit her at the hospital because she is dying.

I have been doing therapy on/off since I was 18yo. I have had abusive relationships with friends, colleagues and partners that did ressemble the relationship with her and my adoptive family. Now I am Out of the FOG, I have healthy relationships with people around me. I am almost 33yo and I would sincerely like to be able to move forward with my life, finally be the person that I really am without fear and mostly without her and the rest of her abusive family.

[JR]

Dear Maya Im the same boat as you, the Scapegoat in a narcissist family, only in my case I was born into it, Ive recently only discovered about Narcissism because of the toxic behaviors of this family towards me and others non-family going into the later stages of life like 60 Y/O and they still cling towards abusive behavior when at this age they should've learned that this wrong to treat other adults in that manner, i researched online and put the dots together myself based on the facts. Being the scapegoat really leaves you no option other than cutoff all contacts(if possible) so its not your fault that this has to be done, being Empathetic towards Narcissists is like blood in the water to Sharks its feeding time and they need their source of supply to unload abuse on, to release their own self hate on. Your only job is to be there and absorb it, its very hard for normal people not be empathetic towards people in need but thats what the Narcs already know about you, dont fall for it.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group- I am sorry your upbringing brought you here but at the same time glad you found a group of people that get doing things like my yearly ritual of googling for obits of people I am NC with in my biological family to see if they are still walking the earth.

I'm in my mid 50s and have been NC for over 30 years.  I'd like to say it got easier as time marched on, and for some things yes, but part of me still grieves having an abusive biological mother which is something i've just kind of learned to sit with over the years.  I too had some issues with letting people make me into a doormat and had probably what could be best described as an issue with 'pick me' energy- kind of like a lost puppy- which put me in some SITUATIONS I am glad I lived through.  something that did make it easier for me was knowing that I was removed several times from her custody for a reason and when I got to be missing the idea of a mother, I sat myself right down and listed out the things that happened to me because of her choices.

I commend you for trying to maintain a limited relationship with your adoptive family in addition to getting help for yourself.  I'm sure being adopted plays into the mix too and again, I am glad you saw the value in YOU and got some help.  the best advice I can give is to take care of you first and try to maintain boundaries to keep space for yourself as things become closer to the end of the journey for your adoptive mother.  for us here in the US the holidays between Thanksgiving and Christmas always seem to bring a ramping up of the uPD/ PD playbook so please take care of yourself if that is what your experience has been in the past.

[bloomie]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. What heartbreak and difficulty you are facing. I am just so sorry for the struggles, and yet I hear resilience and new beginnings for you in your post. Thank you for being willing to share a bit of what brings you here with us.

One thing I can say for sure, every contact with a person who is not safe, is unhealthy enough to have manipulated and abused their own children, takes a toll. Sometimes, we are in a place where we can observe their behaviors and refuse to be derailed from the forward progress of our lives by it.

Other times, our hard-won stability is still fragile enough that we would be dragged too far backward to have contact. Only know where you are on that spectrum. Only you know how risky contact would be and are able to weigh the risk versus the benefit in your healing journey.

The good thing is... you have found a community that understands and who have walked similar roads. The toolbox at the drop down menu above, the articles in the glossary, the recommended books and other resources is a place you can dive deep and empower yourself.

The conversations on the boards are pure gold and have been so helpful to me. I hope you find your time here of great value and encouragement. I look forward to supporting you!