Shifting Relationships around the npd

[Kitbit]

Just wondering if others have dealt with the impact of the npd on mutual friendships or other relationships? I've experienced losses based either on my tolerating the npd's antics or isolation based on mutual friends not "getting it" about their behaviour. It's hard to experience these extremes as it seems it's either one way or the other. Not many are willing to live in the kind of ambiguity or complexity in which I find myself. And the loss of companionship is hard to bear. Anyone else experience this?

[notrightinthehead]

While I lived with my NPDh I found it very hard to build and maintain friendships. This was due to his behaviour when we were invited or when we had people over and also because of me being tense, anxious, and withdrawn.  When I left I had to cut contact with everybody who was in contact with him and found myself with very few people in my life.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I can't think of anyone who wanted to be around my BPD/NPDx.  Most of them told me straight up "I still want to be your friend, but I don't want to be around him anymore."   I would pay h*ll if I tried to make plans separate from him on anything, even things he didn't want to do.  So, yes, it was very, very isolating.

[Kitbit]

Thanks for these replies. It's so validating to hear responses written by people in real time rather than just in an online article or book. The Jekyll/Hyde experience is a tough one - I find myself wanting to believe the illusion sometimes as it is more comfortable. It's a strange place to live at times because I have to hold two realities in my mind in order not to lose my sanity. It is odd seeing people taken in who don't know the full truth. So again - thanks - it's good to hear the variety of reactions we contend with.

[SonofThunder]

The Jekyll/Hyde experience is a tough one - I find myself wanting to believe the illusion sometimes as it is more comfortable.

Kitbit, you not alone in that statement, and you writing it, reveals your willingness to understand  yourself in good mindfulness and humbleness, yet pressing forward for truth.

A friend and I were recently discussing the progression of a typical nonPD person who is finally making their way out of that PD fog, and my friend stated that the progression seems to be in stages, similar to folks who go through various programs to alter their mindset and behaviors for self improvement.  Imo very true.

You are not alone in your comment.  I wrestled with the same, when faced with that difficult road, yet its a road that surely is possible to navigate.  I was almost willing to not go down that road, and just throw in the towel to unfortunate circumstances and keep performing the status quo for that 'comfort' you mention.

Difficult roads require some specific equipment designed to traverse the challenging paths ahead, but just having proper equipment and tools isn't enough.  It takes time with the tools, education and learning from both losses and wins.  That seems to happen in stages for those that press onward down the experience-road, soaking in, and learning from those experiences, while gleaning knowledge and technique possible from good teachings and camaraderie with those traveling in the same type adventures. 

Therefore, I commend you on your humbleness, truthfulness and mindfulness.  Some of most calm, beautiful scenery on the planet is only taken in by those willing to go down the difficult paths less traveled.  You can do this Kitbit; you can make it through the steep and rocky path ahead that leads in stages, to those breathtaking views in peaceful surroundings.

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Married to a uNPD  while being in the fog, cost me a lot of friendships.  It was so isolating - I also felt so lonely in my own home.  It was such a difficult time in my life - glad it's behind me.

Towards the end of our marriage, my ex tried to facture my relationships with my brother and father.  It was like a competition with him - he would often bring up how close he and my dad were - joke around about being his favorite.  I saw right through it.  He really attacked my relationship with my brother and in a sick way.  All this helped me move Out of the FOG.

I lost friendships and others I didn't make efforts with because my ex made the price tag of such friendships too high.

I look back at all the emotional abuse and, honestly, I can't believe that I wasn't suicidal.  Our "couple friends" weren't that to him - they were sources of supply and possible opportunities for affairs.  UGH

I'm rebuilding my life which includes expanding my connections.  It's both easy and hard. 

[1footouttadefog]

I found that I needed to have separate social groups and activities to be healthy. 

I needed some aspects of life to be stable.  I cannot create that with the pdH so I go out with poeple what dont know him.  its nice to not have every conversation redirected toward him.  Its nice to actually learn about others and get to know them without the drama.