New but not new!

[Flowers]

Hi, I don't know where to start so I'll start somewhere. I am a professional that's tried to heal myself through healing others for a long time. I got breast cancer 5 years ago and have been on my own healing journey since.

My mother has played the victim and been in a child like state all through my child/adult life to date. The day I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had to drive myself and her to the appointment because she was too anxious to drive, she cried all the way through my treatment and I was married to a narc at this time.

A snapshot of the recent past. Currently, I have been in the rescuer mode I know so well since my breast cancer journey and have been trying desperately to 'diagnose' her with a BPD. This has invariably led to circular arguments each week. She plays the victim each and every time including with my own daughters. I am still Co-dependent, I have though reached the point of no return. I know I'm still in the fog but I am determined to clear the fog this time.

I know I have been playing out 'fix-it syndrome'  as I have done all my life. I feel the fleas everyday, what's mine, what's hers? I can use the word disindividuation and it doesn't cut it. I feel crazy, I feel desperate, I feel there's no way out and I feel so desperately angry some days. Others, like today, I feel hope. Coming here has given me a flicker of hope 🙏🏼

[SonofThunder]

Hello to you Flowers!   

What a lovely screen name!  A very warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Im so very sorry to read of your breast cancer diagnosis.  I will be keeping you in thought and prayer. 

I was raised in a home with a PD father and then married to my PD wife for three decades; currently separated.  I also know the drama triangle 🔺rescuer mode well, and worked my ass off in that role for so long, over and over again, just to find myself each time, not good enough and therefore becoming the persecutor in the drama 🔺 dance.  I like to say that PD's stake their tent in victim mode, but will venture out to the other two roles  just long enough to bait the non and flip the script, sending the PD back home to victim.  I know it well, and it reads as if you do also.  Im sorry you have a PD in your life. 

Speaking of pitching a tent; please see the Toolbox tab at the upper right. That tab is where you want to drive your own tent posts (not on the drama 🔺) and begin to camp there, absorbing the provided materials.  The seed that is planted in the ground looks nothing like the beautiful end result of the majestic bloom that boldly sprouts out of ground and reaches skyward to brighten the day of all those who behold it's beauty. My hope for you is that your arrival at Out of the FOG, will be the fertile soil needed for a powerful new shoot, watered in strength by the toolbox and its application.  Your screen name will hopefully blossom in it's full meaning.

Flowers, we always leave at least one chair open around the campfire discussions at the forum boards.  Please make yourself at home, remove, dry out and refresh your wet hiking boots, and rest those weary feet around the soothing friendly fires of Out of the FOG topical conversation.  See you around the boards!

SoT