Oh no this is going to change everything! Bad news today..,..

[p123]

Well funeral is tomorrow -wish me luck I'm taking Dad.
Hes already making it all about him.

"So pick me up 9am". No Dad I've already told you Im working I'll be there at 930am. "Oh I'm disappointed about that" There we go then
"But how am I going to get dressed". You manage every other day so just get up early.

"Can't you ask your boss to come earlier". (For the probably 1000th time) Dad I don't have a boss I'm self employed remember. (Dad I'm sure thinks of me as an office boy who shuffles paper.

"I want you to phone X (his cousins daughter my 2nd cousin)" Nope I've already text her. "Yes but you should". Nope.

Gonna be a lot more of this tomorow.  Of course, the golden child is allegedly working 12 hour shifts in the factory but thats real work and he can't make it. The office boy apparently just needs to ask his boss (that he doesnt have). We actually drive past the GCs house tomorrow so I suggested we see if hes in - he will  be. Now that would be funny.

[hhaw]

You're volunteering yourself for whatever you do with your father, p.

GC isn't volunteering.

Whatever you endure with your father at his home, on the ride to funeral, at the funeral and ride home....you volunteer for.

You're likely very earnest, do more than your share always and, as other posters suggest, get
something
out
of
these
activities.

You're the good good son.  The goodest boy.....you'll likely be proving that every day until it sinks in.....you're fine as you are, even if you aren't doing doing doing for everyone else ( to the extent you are.)

Stepping back......allowing adults to care for themselves, whether grown children or parents and ages in between.....
Allowing them to do and care themselves is respectful and demonstrates your belief in them and their abilities to care for themselves.

I hope you allow your child, brother and father to feel the weight of what is theirs to carry.  Natural consequences will teach them better than any care and support beyond what's strictly appropriate, ime.

Your frustration is an indicator you're enabling and codependent........question that frustration at every turn.  Ask yourself if you're needing something to be different than it is.  Usually that's how I know I'm resisting acceptance of something, which creates the frustration I CAN remedy easily, once I notice my pattern popping up again.

You and your GC brother can and should share in your F's care.

First a plan should be made with your GC brother, them you do your part without taking on GC's part or F's.

Accept it won't be perfect.

Accept those 2 will fail some and deal with consequences, but also accept its not yours to fix or carry.

That's a sea change in perception you haven't experienced yet.  Maybe you can't imagine it.

Know it's not only possible, but you have the agency to put out in place and turn completely away from what's not your responsibility......f
Despite everyone else's opinions.....they simply don't matter.  Just yours and tour wife's matter. 

Healthy boundaries matter, bc you're teaching your child self care and protection with every boundary you speak AND HOLD calm, consistently and without BIG energetic charge keeping you focused on the problems.

Mindfulness will dissolve the ego and release you from the unconscious belief systems holding you hostage, p.

Practice till the fruits and flowers of practicing show up on your life.

Or not.

It's ok.

Condolences on the loss of your cousin. 

[moglow]

I used to have to remind myself, every question doesn't need to be answered [certainly not repeatedly]. And every comment doesn't require a response. Your brother isn't available, I'd leave it at that and maybe make note of it myself for future. What he does or doesn't do and how he chooses to explain it is his stuff. You can also just not be available for some of this - no excuse, no explanation. "Sorry dad, I'll call/talk to you on xday..." Dad's insistence doesn't change your bottom line: you have other responsibilities too.

A little something that used to help me: Hearing whatever mommie dearest said in the "Wah Wah Wah..." of adults in Charlie Brown comics [you know how you never heard what the adults actually said]. Sometimes it helped me not get caught up in the angst of it all and get a quiet giggle for myself.

[Leonor]

You say you don't get anything out of it, P, but of course you do. Otherwise, as an adult with volition and independence and competence, you wouldn't do it.

There's nothing wrong with that, we all get something out of our relationships with other people. So, what's your payoff? Why do you suffer, and know you suffer, and continue to suffer?

I don't mean by talking to or going places or visiting with your dad. You could do all these things and not suffer. The suffering comes from allowing yourself to feel upset, frustrated, angry, and bewildered by anything he does, when he always and only does what he's always and ever done.

How would you finish this sentence?

By focussing on what's wrong with my father, I am able to ...

(fill in here)

... feel justified in not liking him as a person

... validate my other parent's experience

... maintain some kind of relationship with my family of origin

... maintain my identity as the long-suffering scapegoat

... prove that he's wrong about me by being a dutiful son even as he treats me poorly

... outdo my favored older brother by being even more attentive and caring towards our father

... prove to my family that I'm a regular person even though my life looks different from theirs

... belong to a larger online community of people who listen to me and are always on "my side"

... avoid emotional intimacy with my wife because my emotional energy is sucked into this dynamic with my father

... feel better about myself as a father to my children because I have a poor role model of my own.

In other words, it's not: "I spend time away from my family because it's so hard to say no to my father."

It's (and clutch your pearls, this is a toughie):

"It's so hard to say no to my dad because if I do I will have to spend time with my family."

Ah! I told you it was a toughie! But for all of us who have walked this walk long enough, there comes a time when it's not about understanding our abusers, but  ourselves. And even though we aren't responsible for what happened to us, we are responsible for what we do to ourselves.

So, again, if this really is a situation you want to heal and have some peace in your relationship with your father, the question is, "What is in it for you for nothing to change?"

[p123]

Well today was the funeral.... As expected. I'd told him to be ready when I turned up because we wouldn't have much time. Phoned him when I was 10 mins away "you'll have to help me get dressed". Nope you manage every other day and we don't have time. Turned up he was dressed. Nice try.

For some reason known only to himself he decide he didnt want to wear his hearing aid. He can't hear a thing without it. So we went to the service, the vicar even mentioned Dad. Of course he was oblivious - didnt hear a thing. Pointless him going.

The sad thing was hearing about Dads cousin grandchildren and great grandchildren. How he loved them. And there my Dad who couldnt give two hoots about his. So sad.

Oh well its done now...

[FromTheSwamp]

At least that's behind you.

Ugh, the hearing aid thing.  My mom wasn't cheap about it like your dad.  She spent at least $20000 on hearing aids, with lots of fittings for each pair.  But then she wouldn't wear them.  They weren't comfortable, she said.  ONE TIME she wore them when we visited, and the difference was night and day.  She could understand us, and we could have actual conversations, and she wasn't as mad the whole time.  But she never wore them again.  She'd angrily "HUH?" us or pretend she could hear us when she couldn't.  Sad, because we couldn't have a real visit.  Her choice, but the consequences hit all of us.

[moglow]

The sad thing was hearing about Dads cousin grandchildren and great grandchildren. How he loved them. And there my Dad who couldnt give two hoots about his. So sad.

Know what? I'd take that as a lesson for my own family, to treasure them and their accomplishments, prop them up as they work through disappointments, BE there with and for them come what may, find laughter and joy in the simple things. Use your dad's behavior as impetus to be better every day.

I've watched my youngest brother's family together and it always makes me smile - they truly enjoy each other and make time. None of that making excuses and whining bs - if someone's having an off day, it's just a day you'll work through and we'll see you later. Anything we can do for you? No? Okay, just let me know! Random drop ins for a snack, Sunday night family movies with whoever's available. Somebody gets tired while visiting, go in and take a nap, we'll leave you a note if we decide to go somewhere and you can meet us later. Watching mommie dearest blow them off and show no interest in seeing them last summer flattened me, it was so cruel and heartless. And yes, hardened my heart where she's concerned. She built this monster, may she have joy of it. She's alone because she chose to be.

[square]

Nice work on not falling for the "need help getting dressed" crap.

[p123]

At least that's behind you.

Ugh, the hearing aid thing.  My mom wasn't cheap about it like your dad.  She spent at least $20000 on hearing aids, with lots of fittings for each pair.  But then she wouldn't wear them.  They weren't comfortable, she said.  ONE TIME she wore them when we visited, and the difference was night and day.  She could understand us, and we could have actual conversations, and she wasn't as mad the whole time.  But she never wore them again.  She'd angrily "HUH?" us or pretend she could hear us when she couldn't.  Sad, because we couldn't have a real visit.  Her choice, but the consequences hit all of us.

Its nuts isnt it? Dad just expects us to speak louder - the reality is you can't speak that loud for him to hear.

With Dad the worse thing is his hearing aid is free. In the UK, you can get a basic one for free on the nhs. BUT its 20+ years old and hes never had it checked. He just cannot be bothered. Im sure sometimes he likes things screwed up.

You can get a really good one privately. For about £1000. Not like he can't afford it of course.
He struggles to put his current one in (its massive and clunky). The other day I sat there and read the newspaper for 10 mins while he struggled saying "oh dear, oh dear I can't do it". Well you made you're choice. There is an alternative to spend a small % of your money and get a great one that'll be easy to use but no. Deal with it I think now - I dont care.

[p123]

Nice work on not falling for the "need help getting dressed" crap.

I know its just crazy..... This is the guy who cancelled his FREE carers because "they don't do anything". Yeh they help you get dressed so you've told everyone you can manage.

Always reminds me of the time he had the pee accident when we were away in a hotel. He said "you'll have to come in the shower with me to wash me". EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Of course he lives alone and showers himself (not as often as he should) so why on earth? Its just embarrasing. I thought old people rejected help because they wanted to maintain dignity - Dads the opposite.

[NarcKiddo]

I read an article by the GP who writes the medical section in The Times a couple of weeks ago. FYI he said that these days you don't generally get a better hearing aid if you pay privately because the NHS now uses up to date digital ones. So if your dad could only be bothered to get himself seen by the NHS for a review and update he would probably get a pretty decent one.

[p123]

I read an article by the GP who writes the medical section in The Times a couple of weeks ago. FYI he said that these days you don't generally get a better hearing aid if you pay privately because the NHS now uses up to date digital ones. So if your dad could only be bothered to get himself seen by the NHS for a review and update he would probably get a pretty decent one.

Is it true you only get a hearing aid for one ear with the nhs though?

Well thats it as well - he just cannot be bothered either. Also I wonder what the waiting list is like.....

[NarcKiddo]

Is it true you only get a hearing aid for one ear with the nhs though?

Well thats it as well - he just cannot be bothered either. Also I wonder what the waiting list is like.....

No, I don't think that's true. My friend got hearing aids on the NHS a couple of years ago and she has them for both ears. I think you have to get a referral from a GP but the test does not have to be done by an NHS clinic. I think you can go to the likes of Specsavers.

[p123]

Well I've got him to agree now to an appt - nhs or otherwise.

To be honest, I think he was scared of having ANY appt just in case he had to spend some money. He really is obsessed with it.