It was bound to happen

Boat Babe · April 09, 2023, 09:53:52 AM

Hi all, I've been quiet recently as enjoying the single life and uBPDmum has been well behaved on the whole and my boundaries are really good these days (linked?).

Anyway, after a scary telephone call to her where I really thought she was dying she is now in hospital with a leg infection and I have just spent two days sitting by her bed. She is truly ill but still putting it on for me. The nurses say "oh she's wonderful and can walk around a bit now" I get there and suddenly she's writhing and groaning in pain. I believe it hurts but am convinced that she's ramping it for my benefit. She's due to come out around midweek if all goes well and guess who gets to look after her!!! I can't stay at her's as it's tiny and not suitable for me or my dog so I am gonna have her at mine. Luckily I recently moved and have a two bed house. I am going to support her convalescence and then put measures in place to have a carer come round every day. It can't be me because I live 100 miles away.

It will be hard work but there's literally no one else to care for her, so deep breath! Any advice from people who have walked this particular part of the path gratefully received. Thanks.

SonofThunder · April 09, 2023, 10:21:36 AM

Quote from: Boat Babe on April 09, 2023, 09:53:52 AM
Hi all, I've been quiet recently as enjoying the single life and uBPDmum has been well behaved on the whole and my boundaries are really good these days (linked?).

Anyway, after a scary telephone call to her where I really thought she was dying she is now in hospital with a leg infection and I have just spent two days sitting by her bed. She is truly ill but still putting it on for me. The nurses say "oh she's wonderful and can walk around a bit now" I get there and suddenly she's writhing and groaning in pain. I believe it hurts but am convinced that she's ramping it for my benefit. She's due to come out around midweek if all goes well and guess who gets to look after her!!! I can't stay at her's as it's tiny and not suitable for me or my dog so I am gonna have her at mine. Luckily I recently moved and have a two bed house. I am going to support her convalescence and then put measures in place to have a carer come round every day. It can't be me because I live 100 miles away.

It will be hard work but there's literally no one else to care for her, so deep breath! Any advice from people who have walked this particular part of the path gratefully received. Thanks.

Hi BoatBabe,

Good to read your screen name once again.☺️ I have no advice, and I'm sorry this is occurring in your life, but just want you to know you are not alone. I'll be keeping your situation in thought and prayer.

SoT

wisingup · April 09, 2023, 11:09:04 AM

Hi Boat Babe - yes, deep breath.

I am walking a similar path right now. After a few years of lovely VLC with mom, age & illness have happened. Yes, she is genuinely in need of help and yes, she ramps it up for additional attention. My brother and I are working as a team, but other than us there is no one else.

We have dealt with years of intermittent UTI's that cause delirium-like symptoms. We are finally moving her to an AL facility next weekend, which has required a ton of interaction with her over the past 6-8 weeks as we go through the various steps needed.

What I am REALLY struggling with right now ( & maybe you will relate) is working through my strong resentment & anger towards her that has never been resolved, with the need for compassion for who she is now. She is terrified at this move, going in and out of confusion & delirium, having to make decisions and part with a lot of belongings. My brother has lost his ability to be patient with her, and now she's back to leaning on me for emotional support. She needs more than I feel able to give her. And even the little I am giving her causes her to seek out more. She called in the middle of my typing this paragraph just to hear a calm voice telling her what to do. But I can't separate this from the person who just a few months ago said terrible things to me when I asked her to be involved in cleaning up an old tax return mess that she had created. Having her be over-the-top nice to me now because she needs something is repulsive to me.

Apologies, I know you were looking for advice, but I don't think I have any yet. Still walking this difficult path and probably will for several more years. Assisted living will not magically fix everything, though I certainly hope it helps. I would be happy to hear updates on your journey and wish you the very best! Sending good thoughts.

Boat Babe · April 09, 2023, 03:52:34 PM

Thanks for your kind comment SoT. Much appreciated.

And yes, Wisingup, the mixed emotions really do a number on us, so thank you for reminding me that this will be part of the deal going forward and to extend self compassion to ourselves as we navigate these difficult waters. Interestingly when I had the first phone call and she really sounded like she was on the way out I was panicked and deeply upset. I was surprised by how upset I was. Then today, now that the antibiotics have kicked in and she's feeling less ill, her personality is becoming more apparent again and I really struggled with patience as she spent the whole two hours I was there circling the drain of her medical issues, the minutiae of her supplements regime, what this doctor said, what the other one said; fretful, querelous and waifing for England. She's 91 and ill, I really get that, but boy can she still yank my chain. I hear you Wisingup, I really hear you.

notrightinthehead · April 09, 2023, 04:17:16 PM

This is past for me now and I am sorry you are in that place right now Boatbabe. I would do what duty and kindness called me to do and would listen to Kristin Neff self compassion meditations and self love affirmations as many times a day as I possibly could.

SonofThunder · April 09, 2023, 04:38:29 PM

" Then today, now that the antibiotics have kicked in and she's feeling less ill, her personality is becoming more apparent again and I really struggled with patience as she spent the whole two hours I was there circling the drain of her medical issues, the minutiae of her supplements regime, what this doctor said, what the other one said; fretful, querelous and waifing for England. She's 91 and ill, I really get that, but boy can she still yank my chain."

I have read this multiple times over. Its written so well; so descriptive! I wonder how similar I will experience this exact thing, when my uNPDf is in his final days. I pray he goes quick and in a manner that he never finds himself in a bedridden situation. He will despise that if he becomes helpless in that manner, and as you well describe, focused on all the negative around him.

It is fascinating to me that these types of emotional experiences are so uniquely human. Ive always told myself that I hope his passing does not once again stir the unremovable bonds that exist between parent and child, but I know it will. Reading your writing drums up that reminder that I will also need to balance a potential future situation carefully; guiding my own human compassion through the filter of full self-control. Your writing is so beautiful Boat Babe. ☺️

I feel for you greatly in the emotional push-pull.

SoT

nanotech · April 09, 2023, 05:01:29 PM

Take care Boat Babe.
Is it possible I wonder - when your mum is waifing, can you try to detach emotionally? Just focus on your thinking rather than your feeling?
Do the practical things she requires. Be very matter of fact about them. Don't take the darn emotion on. We've been programmed to carry the emotion during family crises. Sympathise, but don't take on her suffering for her. We all have to deal with our own.
Try not to react to her at all when she attempts to push those buttons. If there's anything practical to be done then just respond quietly and calmly to that aspect of care.
Also, don't do any more than you need to.
Work out a plan with your bro. Share it.
Make time for yourself though this.

Boat Babe · April 09, 2023, 05:03:11 PM

Quote from: SonofThunder on April 09, 2023, 04:38:29 PM
" Then today, now that the antibiotics have kicked in and she's feeling less ill, her personality is becoming more apparent again and I really struggled with patience as she spent the whole two hours I was there circling the drain of her medical issues, the minutiae of her supplements regime, what this doctor said, what the other one said; fretful, querelous and waifing for England. She's 91 and ill, I really get that, but boy can she still yank my chain."

I have read this multiple times over. Its written so well; so descriptive! I wonder how similar I will experience this exact thing, when my uNPDf is in his final days. I pray he goes quick and in a manner that he never finds himself in a bedridden situation. He will despise that if he becomes helpless in that manner, and as you well describe, focused on all the negative around him.

It is fascinating to me that these types of emotional experiences are so uniquely human. Ive always told myself that I hope his passing does not once again stir the unremovable bonds that exist between parent and child, but I know it will. Reading your writing drums up that reminder that I will also need to balance a potential future situation carefully; guiding my own human compassion through the filter of full self-control. Your writing is so beautiful Boat Babe. ☺️

I feel for you greatly in the emotional push-pull.

SoT

Wow thanks man.

Returned · April 10, 2023, 05:54:17 AM

Hello! I have an uPD mother who is getting quite elderly now, and she's becoming very waif like, yet also raging sometimes. My siblings and I are always doing too much or not enough.
Having read all the posts on your thread, Boat Babe, I really feel for you all. It's very hard to do the right thing with. I feel so compassion combined with frustration!
I wish you all the best!

moglow · April 10, 2023, 06:56:20 AM

Boat Babe, i'm not there yet but I truly applaud your courage and compassion. As Nanotech suggested, do the practical things, be matter of fact about what needs to be done, and sympathize without taking on the emotional load. Not easily done, I'm sure. In times of crisis we forget why we're here, that we have massive amounts of history we're trying to overcome. It's easy to get sucked back into it, be the child we were all while being the adult that's needed now.

And please do take care of yourself! Don't put your life on hold entirely - get out for walks, coffee or lunch with a friend, etc. Turn that compassion to yourself also.

Sneezy · April 10, 2023, 11:20:23 AM

Hi Boat Babe - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. As others have said, the emotional manipulation is something to behold. No doubt your mom will always focus on the negative and will exaggerate her pain to get maximum help and supply from you.

I actually do have some practical advice about the physical side of things. I wish I didn't know these things, but here you go. First of all, wrap your guest bed mattress in something waterproof (you can buy a zippered mattress cover that covers the whole mattress and is a pain to put on, but it's worth it). Then put a more comfortable, but also waterproof, mattress cover on top of that. It's not just incontinence that you have to worry about, it's all the smells that go along with sick old people. And I'm not saying this to be mean to old people - it is what it is - and when your mom moves out, treat yourself to new, fresh linens. Have some adult pads/diapers available, and really encourage her to use them, just in case you don't get to mom in time to help her to the bathroom.

Insist that your mom use her cane or walker or whatever she needs to get around without falling. Your house, your rules. If she wants to take chances walking unaided around her own house, you can't control that, but while she is with you, try to minimize her fall risk. As much as possible, let your mom do things for herself. Don't bring food to her, have her walk into the kitchen and sit down and feed herself. Have her make her own phone calls to doctors, etc. Let her make her own appointments (although you will have to set boundaries about what days/times you are available to take her to these appointments). She can pour herself a cup of coffee and turn the TV on herself. In other words, don't baby her - it's not good for either one of you.

The sooner your mom can get back to her own, independent living, the better. Don't ever feel guilty about this, because it actually is better for her to live on her own (with carers). The longer she is independent, the better off she will be.

And of course, take care of yourself. When I get stressed, I tend to drink too much coffee, which makes things worse. I've had to switch to herbal tea (sometimes herbal CBD tea). Do what you need to do to keep yourself calm. Exercise, read a book, bake, whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane.

Best of luck to you and hopefully your mom will be back to her own place sooner than you think.

Blueberry Pancakes · April 11, 2023, 08:47:39 AM

Hi Boatbabe. I am in a similar spot with elderly parents. It is amazing to me when I realize they mistreated me as their scapegoat my whole life, and that I will still be the one to step up and manage my mom with dementia when my dad becomes ill or when mom will need to move to assisted living if dad dies first. How and why does that happen? Anyway, it has not occurred yet, but as you said, it is bound to. I have made plans for this situation even if right now it is only in my head.

The first thing that came to mind about practical advice is when you mention supporting her convalescence then putting measures in place to have a carer come round every day to her house. Maybe have a clear boundary in place for what point you will end her recovery with you, and transition it at her place. Stay firm. I know my mom would love nothing more than to keep "recovering" at my place forever as I slowly wither away. It might be easier on you knowing there is a hard-stop to the arrangement.

The other thing is the easy to say, but hard to do self-care practices. Get outside, take time for the activities you enjoy, advocate for your needs. Also remember self-compassion. No self-blame and be mindful of your inner dialog. Be your biggest fan. Do what you decide you can or want, and the rest leave to others and accept help that is offered.

bloomie · April 11, 2023, 09:32:46 AM

Boat Babe - welcome back. Very sad that your mom has such a painful infection. I am so sorry you both are facing this.

The word that came to me as I was reading your post is balance. How to stay balanced with this kind of close in contact. Something that healthcare professionals hold as a tenet of care for elderly family members is possibly a helpful filter to use as you go forward: Require your mother to do as much as she can for herself for as long as she can.

That is what love and compassion look like and what could be most beneficial in supporting her to get back to independence. Even if it is a struggle or takes her some time, don't do it for her.

I would also suggest, before you bring her home if possible, discuss with her and a medical social worker/nurse home planner the exit strategy to get her back to her own place. If it is essential she have round the clock care from you in your home for now it might be helpful to set benchmarks for when that will end.

Also, if possible, have someone come in and spell you. A friend, a family member, a paid carer to help with activities of daily life, to give you a break and develop in your mom the reality that you are not her sole carer. If she can safely be alone for small amounts of time, then use that time to stay connected to you and your new life you have built for yourself.

When you feel yourself start to slip slide into over producing and over engaging reset. Recalibrate. Let your view of yourself be one of support and compassion. This is hard stuff even with a loving and healthy elder, but with a disordered one...even more challenging ime.

We are here to listen and support you through this!