I'm not handling this well

[Boat Babe]

This isn't going well.  UBPDm is confused, fretful and querelous. I heard a desperate cry for help from her bathroom this morning and thought she'd fallen. No, she's holding a 3/4 used toilet roll and freaking out because "there's no toilet roll"   I lost my shit people. I shouted at her cos of decades worth of pointless drama.  Then, because she used the toilet I made her wash her hands. Now,  I'm a bully and she's afraid of me. Apparently I hate her and am going to hit her.

She's been in the house for less than 24 hours.

[moglow]

Oh Lord. She has no reason to be afraid of you and you don't want that for her. Get her out soon as you can. Take her home and request help for her.  You dont need the bs for yourself and you damn sure didn't want claims of elder abuse flying around.


We reap what we sow. She can reap elsewhere.

[Boat Babe]

Thanks Moglow. ❤️

[moglow]

You're not alone, even if I can't do anything that actually helps. Never doubt that.

[Outsiderchild]

If she is unable to recognize a roll of toilet paper, she is no longer eligible for home care by unskilled relatives.   Even if she was eligible for Mother of The Year, and you were a nurse it would still be time for her to be placed out of your home and in professional care.   The potential for something to go horribly wrong is just a matter of time.  You are not being a "Bad Daughter."  You are dealing with a situation that takes a team of people, trained professional people, to deal with.   They also get to go home at the end of the day after their shift is done.   They are not working around the clock, all by themselves. 

[SonofThunder]

This isn't going well.  UBPDm is confused, fretful and querelous. I heard a desperate cry for help from her bathroom this morning and thought she'd fallen. No, she's holding a 3/4 used toilet roll and freaking out because "there's no toilet roll"   I lost my shit people. I shouted at her cos of decades worth of pointless drama.  Then, because she used the toilet I made her wash her hands. Now,  I'm a bully and she's afraid of me. Apparently I hate her and am going to hit her.

She's been in the house for less than 24 hours.

Building on MoGlow's comment:  Does your mother have the money to pay for in-home part-time/full-time assistance, versus her being in your home?   That is the ultimate backstop to a potential refusal on your part to care for her in your home, that may enable you to accept that for her and yourself. 

SoT

[bloomie]

Boat Babe - this is as intense as it gets with and elderly, medically compromised, and possibly cognitively compromised parent in our home needing round the clock care. I hope you will give yourself grace for the frustration and exhaustion that can be part of this.

If you haven't already, having a home health evaluation and talking your mother's needs and available resources over with a medical social worker or home care nurse might help you plan and gain help.

Hugs to you!

[wisingup]

Boat Babe - I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this.  Deep breaths.  I relate to your situation so strongly - somehow ending up as a caretaker for this person we'd rather avoid altogether.  And our moms doing nothing to make it any easier on us, just complaints and poor behavior.   

It's a losing situation for all parties.  I'm not sure what resources you have to get her out of your home as soon as possible, but I encourage you to do whatever it takes.  Speaking from present experience, the decades of anger you have built up towards her WILL come out despite your best efforts & then it will spill into other areas of your life as well.

Right now, I am able to use a business-like grey rock attitude when I have to interact with my mom.  I get done what needs to be done & I don't linger.  There is no small talk, I don't ask about her life other than what's absolutely necessary to deal with the situation at hand.  I'm sure I appear cold and unpleasant to any observer and am judged harshly by some of them.

Then I go home & struggle with myself.  I do feel compassion for this elderly sick and confused person, but I know that she is a taker & the more I give the more she will ask for.  This is not new & not related to her present condition - this is how she has always been with me.  She abused and used up all the good will I had for her years ago & that well is dry.  Today - in just a few hours - my brother and I will move her into assisted living.  My goodness, what a relief that will be.

Dear Boat Babe - we are here for you & will cheer you on in any steps you take to protect yourself & your own quality of life.  I know it's hard and complicated and unrewarding.  Please continue to share your journey with us!

[Poison Ivy]

Unfortunately, many health-care systems (including in the U.S.) rely on untrained, unpaid family members and friends to provide in-home care after procedures and hospital stays. This isn't because health-care professionals think that being at home is best; it's because insurance companies don't want to pay for better care and because of staffing shortages. IMO, this is terrible for patients and for their families and friends.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, I am so sorry, I imagine you felt bad that you lost your cool.  I guess you have no alternative so you ended up in this situation. While working on getting myself out of this trap, I would use tools such as listening to self compassion meditation by Kristin Neff, writing anxiety and resentments down like the crappy childhood fairy describes, doing lots of exercise.  Forgive yourself for loosing it, no need to be perfect. You will overcome even this. Use it as a learning opportunity. You can learn to be stoic in adversity. Big hug!

[Sneezy]

Unfortunately, many health-care systems (including in the U.S.) rely on untrained, unpaid family members and friends to provide in-home care after procedures and hospital stays. This isn't because health-care professionals think that being at home is best; it's because insurance companies don't want to pay for better care and because of staffing shortages. IMO, this is terrible for patients and for their families and friends.

Boat Babe - The sooner you can get your mom out of your house, the better.  Has there been any progress made towards getting her back to her house with carers?  Hopefully, she is back to her house soon, but even if she stays with you for a while longer, you now know that having your mom live with you, even for a short period of time, is not an option.  It is so frustrating - and it makes me angry that our medical system is set up this way.  Doctors, nurses, social workers, hospital administrators, etc. - they are all incentivized to get people out of the hospital, and the easiest answer for them is to make elderly patients their family's problem.  And in some cases, this is the best option for the patient.  But not always, and especially not if the patient needs more care (physical, mental, emotional) than the family can give.

It is hard to say no, I won't provide care for my mom.  It goes against what we have been taught, by society and by our family.  But it is essential that we say it.  The next time someone tries to convince you to take your mom into your home, be prepared to walk.  Just say no, I can't do that, and leave.  It will be hard to do, but it will force the medical facility to figure out another option.  And there are plenty of other options (contrary to what we are led to believe).  There are rehabilitation hospitals and skilled nursing facilities (which Medicare will pay for, by the way, if the doctor says it's necessary).  Lots of people end up in these kind of places after surgery.  Sure, it's easier to send mom home with her children, but if you won't take her, a social worker will find a place for her.

My FIL recently injured his leg and couldn't walk.  He stayed with us for three nights.  I will not give you the gory details of what it's like to have an 80-year old, incontinent, immobile, and very grumpy man, in your guest room.  We took him to the ER and made the mistake of letting the ER doctor convince us to bring him back to our home, rather than admit him.  We will not make that mistake again.  Eventually, FIL got admitted to a rehab hospital, and when Medicare said his time was up in rehab, the hospital called to ask when we were picking him up.  We said we weren't because he still couldn't walk on his own, even with a walker.  Medicare then picked up the bill for three weeks in skilled nursing, complete with PT and OT.  He is now back in his apartment with in-home care (also paid for by Medicare).  If DH and I hadn't said no, we can't care for someone who can't walk in our home, he would have been with us the whole time.  And I'm convinced he would have been worse off (and we would have been miserable).

[moglow]

My FIL recently injured his leg and couldn't walk.  He stayed with us for three nights.  I will not give you the gory details of what it's like to have an 80-year old, incontinent, immobile, and very grumpy man, in your guest room.  We took him to the ER and made the mistake of letting the ER doctor convince us to bring him back to our home, rather than admit him.  We will not make that mistake again.  Eventually, FIL got admitted to a rehab hospital, and when Medicare said his time was up in rehab, the hospital called to ask when we were picking him up.  We said we weren't because he still couldn't walk on his own, even with a walker.  Medicare then picked up the bill for three weeks in skilled nursing, complete with PT and OT.  He is now back in his apartment with in-home care (also paid for by Medicare).  If DH and I hadn't said no, we can't care for someone who can't walk in our home, he would have been with us the whole time.  And I'm convinced he would have been worse off (and we would have been miserable).

Realizing yet again why I bought a second floor condo, no elevator ...

[Boat Babe]

I live in the UK and social care has been cut to the bone by years of right wing government. There's virtually nothing for us to turn to. I will be spending all mum's savings on private carers. She is full on trying to emotionally blackmail me into dropping my whole life and moving back to London to be her full time carer. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! But I'm getting so much guilt and obligation BS thrown at me from the moment she she opens her eyes in the morning. Anyway, everyone's support and advice is muchly appreciated. Knowing that people understand is so helpful. Thanks people ❤️

[Srcyu]

Your living in the UK remark caught my eye so I did a quick google which you will have done too ofcourse.
Are social services refusing to offer her any support at all?
You know what they used to say about Britain - "A wonderful hostess but a terrible mother." I think it still applies.
I'm not sure if the GP can help argue her case based on her medical problems. Might be willing to arrange something with a health visitor.


milly