anticipating my every move

[tragedy or hope]

I am pretty sure I have spoken of this before...

A level of control that really frustrates me is anticipating my every move and thinking for me.
If my dog is sitting on a chair, she is "waiting for me to give her attention." If I get up to make myself coffee, "do you need sweetner?"

If I am outside, "you might want to go inside and get out of the cold."

"Would you like me to make you some breakfast," suggesting things I do not want to eat and normally do not have.

"I thought you might like this movie, and I thought we could sit together to watch it," implying everything is about me and he has no desires or his own.

I know these sound like kindnesses, but when added up in a day they are very controlling. I don't have time to think about what I want to do, as I am having to respond to what is being suggested to me.

When I get in the car, or step off a curb, the unneeded assistance I get as if I am not able to do for myself is angering. I have repeatedly said, "don't do it." If I pull away I am treated as if I have offended.

If I am going out, "you may want to get gas in your car." The most obvious, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do but... (fill in the blank as he tells me what to do.).

It causes me to have to be firm, direct and clear. In the process I feel like I have to insulate myself from what will come after, when I have asserted myself.

This is my everyday life. He never does "anything wrong" and is "just trying to be loving." That is the script, day after day.  Sometimes when I speak up, the defensive gaslighting comes out about being loving to me, ""just trying to care for me." because "I am loved so much."

It's taxing. Very taxing. 

[Lauren17]

TOH,
This was a huge part of my marriage for most of 20 years. I remember it all too well. That niggly feeling across my skin. Maybe like being under a heavy blanket on a hot day. I think oppression is the name of that feeling.
And if I disagreed at all, I was being so cruel when all he was cared about was my happiness.
Ugh!!
I used to beg him to find a hobby. And he would say, "I have a hobby! It's making sure you're happy"
I think these behaviors are the hardest to recognize and have recognized as abusive. Whenever I tried to bring it up, I would hear something along the lines of "you're so lucky! I wish my husband and was so attentive!"
Let me just say, I hear you, I understand the emotional impacts of this behavior, you're not alone.

[Free2Bme]

tragedy or hope,

How maddening, I would probably lose my cool.   Honestly, it sounds like the way a parent speaks to a child, this isn't appropriate adult interfacing. 

You have probably tried everything however, if it were me I would be tempted to inform him that he is pushing me away with this behavior and that if he wants to convey love, that this is not your love language.  Although I know that normal and reasonable solutions have little effect with disordered people and will usually bring on punishment in some form, IME.

It sounds like an extreme need to be needed, and have you constantly orbiting around him like a child that seeks negative attention, just to have attention.  Does he have friends and outside interests?  (My updxh had neither) 

~sending warm wishes

[SeaBreeze]

Dealing with similar in more recent years as uNPDh has become less aggressive/hostile and more passive/aggressive. He tries to micromanage my day under the guise of "suggestions" or "asking" what I want to do. E.g. I am eating breakfast and he asks what time are we eating lunch (and even supper?) and what are we having. I'm reading a book on my day off and he interrupts to ask "What would you like to watch on TV?" He "reminds" me to log into a video game we haven't played in forever after I've stated a need a break from screentime. Etc...

Then there's the eternal shopping list. A loaded issue on a few levels that could be its own post. I'll summarize down to "control" and "money".

I could go on. To the outsider it may appear innocent, even sweet, that H is tailoring his day around mine. But I know it's quite the other way around. As do any of us in this situation. Sorry you are dealing with this too! Boundaries are key, but PDs will continue to push, sidestep, tunnel under, and other mental gymnastics. 

[1footouttadefog]

I see it as them occupying our brain space.  The questions and interruptions and requests to bring home this or that everytime we go anywhere.

It's about making sure we are giving them attention even when away or doing something without them.

I remembering feeli g guilty that I was not I teracti g with my pdh and his narc mom when I was attending college part time. 

Took awhile to awaken to the fact she had no business at our house every weekend.

They pick us suckers well do they not.

[losingmyself]

This is the most covert kind of action, I think. He DOES everything for me, gets me everything I want, it looks so kind and sweet and loving from the outside, but then the passive aggressive comments, the yelling, jealousy, general mistrust about everything, and very controlling nature are still there. But how can I complain?? Because everything he does is for me, and because he loves me. When I'm not having sex with everyone I work with, etc.... I feel like it's all for show and nothing else. Then when I leave him, as he always has predicted, for another man, there's a 'record' of his loving care and devotion, and my horribleness. And a complete disconnect from his behavior. I think this is one of the hardest things I have to deal with. It cause cognitive dissonance.  My outside world, and what I know to be true are almost opposite. How do I explain that to someone??
So, I see it as setting up the stage for when I leave him. For another man. There could be no other reason for me to leave.

[JustKeepTrying]

That cognitive dissonance - it all seems like it should be normal but under the circumstances of a PD, it is something else.  I've tried to explain to even family members but they just look like I'm talking in a foreign language.  So frustrating.

I felt like he had wrapped me in wool or cotton and placed me in a bottle with a childproof cap.

I remember taking a walk by myself in the neighborhood.  I stopped and talked to a neighbor so my return was a little late.  My children had been sent out to find me in the neighborhood.  I was gone for a half-hour.  He was so angry with me in private.  In public, he was distraught because he thought something happened.

I stopped going anywhere.  So afraid of accidents, or do I have enough gas, taken the right route, are you too tired?  Easier to stay home and stare at the television like he wanted me to do.

[ploughthrough2021]

I hear you.  Just like being stalked on...

[Hazy111]

Control

[Boat Babe]

Control

[losingmyself]

yup

[Feelingstuck23]

Your comment reminded me a lot of what I go through everyday. I see a lot of people talk about abusive partners who are always putting them down or always act selfish which is so different than what
I go through. I would hate to have a situation like those too, but I almost feel like I would have a better grasp on reality in a situation like that. Throughout this situation everything has been endless focus on my preferences, gifts, helping with anything and everything I mention even if just in a story and not anything I want. It's like I'm constantly being pushed into deciding things I want, how I want to spend my time etc before I even am able to think about it. This all felt amazing to have someone give me everything and do everything to help me till I realized it had isolated me from being able to do things away from them or other people. When I realized that I also started remembering things that happened where they did things to separate me from other people, specifically people who would have been good for me to connect with for my career etc. It really shocked me that this person would ever do anything to isolate me intentionally. When I would bring that stuff up in a constructive way I was shocked at the response even more. They started arguing with me like they were a little kid, saying all this nonsense stuff unrelated to bringing up these serious issue so kindly. I'm stuck in the situation for now, so my strategy has been to not mention that stuff till I can build an exit strategy. The worst part is the confusion about how much they do for me, but knowing they do things that ruin everything they say they're trying to help. Unbelievable confusion. Hoping I can maybe talk to someone with a similar situation on here to help me make sense of things more. I don't tell many people it's even going on because I feel honestly crazy mentioning this stuff.

[losingmyself]

I was just reading through these and I came upon JKT's comment about going for a walk without him.
I used to go out early in the morning and walk up and down our driveway, it's a good distance. I never went anywhere, just back and forth, for like 15 minutes. It was wonderful.
It was usually before he woke up.
One day, he awoke while I was out there, and locked the door. I had to go around to the front of the house to get in. I never said a word, just came in and went about my day. He was so pleased with himself.
And he's going to be so surprised when I leave him.....
Feelingstuck23, you can share your stories here. We get it.

[Cat of the Canals]

Feelingstuck23, my situation is a bit different because the main PD in my life is my mother and not a romantic partner. But I could empathize with much of what you said, because that is very much her style of control. The way I always explain it is that she (unlike my PDmil) understands the old adage "you get more bees with honey." The problem is that she is rarely doing things out of true kindness. It is all a means of making me (and others) feel indebted to her so that when she does overstep a boundary or say something nasty, I won't hold it against her for long because of "all that she does for me." This is quite literally a phrase I've heard my poor sister-in-law utter dozens of times. She feels guilty complaining about my mother's controlling behavior and blatant and repeated violations of her boundaries because "she does so much for us." To me it has a lot in common with the battered woman who says, "Yes he hits me, but he loves me so much."

You mentioned gifts and that strikes another chord. My husband observed that early in our relationship (before I was Out of the FOG), I made it clear that I was wary of accepting gifts from my mother, as I felt there were always strings attached. He said his initial summation was that I was perhaps a bit oversensitive and maybe even a touch paranoid on this point. He has come to agree that my assessment was spot on. Her little kindnesses come with expectations, the big one being that you never ever rock the boat. She wants everything to appear perfect all the time. As long as everyone plays long with that, she can be quite sweet. But if you dare suggest something isn't the ideal or don't go along with whatever she's planned or take her suggestion on how something should be done, lord help you.

[Hattie]

Yeah my borderline mum does this and it's very annoying. I think it's a way of managing her anxiety and creating a sort of false intimacy where she doesn't actually have to be authentic and therefore risk rejection/ abandonment. I agree it's covert, but trust your gut that of it feels off, it probably is