Can't Even Have A 10 Minute Phone Conversation

[CinnamonBark]

Just a rant: hope it's ok. I just need to get this off my chest.

My abusive elderly father's cognitive issues have gotten so bad that I can no longer have phone conversations with him, even about business things since we co-own property together. I attempted to speak to him about an ongoing structural issue with our property, and he seemed to just become more hostile as I told him the full extent of the issue, and he began going in a nasty voice "what do you want ME to do about it?" I was like "uh, you're the co-owner, I will be sending you the invoice for the fix and you will be paying half of it!" In the past he has refused to pay his share of the bills for maintenence/repairs and it seems like he will just continue to do this. He worked himself up so much that he hung up, all because I told him that the tenant needs help in that unit.

I just need to say how sad it is to be so intent on starting arguments and fights that you can't even have a 10 minute conversation without literally freaking out, painting yourself as victim and hanging up. I really want to be able to do that and lots of other normal things, and its getting harder and harder to try to explain to people in the family why I won't interact with him other than talking about our business stuff because he saves that side of himself for me and random people around him. The rest of the family is across the country and haven't visited for over 5 years nor has he gone over there (and has missed weddings and the birth of a new baby!). I hate that he is so ill and that we will most likely spend the rest of his time on this earth not able to communicate, all because he didnt want to even make an ounce of effort with his only daughter. It's as if he doesn't know who I am (not alzheimers or dementia though).

Why on earth would you adopt a baby and then do an about-face when the mother dies, and hate that child for the rest of your life? I am just so overwhelmed by that, and have been for most of my life (I'm 25). It's destroyed so much in my life, especially when I was younger and couldn't understand what was going on and why. I feel so devastated a lot about this, and these shitty interactions just bring it all up to the surface.

[Pepin]

Ugh.  That's brutal and I'm sorry.  Going forward, I'd just CC him on anything and get it done.  Continue to submit his half of the bills to him and keep track of what he pays and what he does not pay on a spreadsheet.  My thought is that when he eventually becomes incapacitated or passes, that his estate would then pay for those unpaid invoices. 

Also, could you buy him out of his half?  Or would you be able to relinquish your half?  Lastly, could you meet with a real estate attorney to get some advice?  As I've learned, co owning property with other family members just isn't wise.  One person tends to do more while the other freeloads....ugh, I know this too well.   

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with Pepin.

[Srcyu]

Your question about adopting a baby and going on to 'hate' it, the answer might be rooted in resentment that he lost his wife yet still had you. It's possible that she wanted to adopt more than he did.

As the older male he does not like being informed about property work and bills from someone younger. He could be feeling inadequate and naturally likes to blame you.

The advice from Pepin regarding the property is spot-on.


milly

[CinnamonBark]

Thank you for the advice everybody! I am going to look into a real estate attorney to see what my rights are given his lack of responsibility for his half of the property.

And to Windmill:
I have known that only my adopted mother wanted me, my family told me that my whole life so I always knew. Growing up in this situation has given me Complex PTSD, which is untreatable via therapy. I have spent over 10k on therapy and ultimately was rejected or dismissed by all of them because I can't think away or medicate away all of the damage. The last one would trigger me deliberately in session, dismiss me, then email me 'distress tolerance worksheets' (WORTHLESS)

I have zero trust in other people, and find it next to impossible to keep a job due to nasty people in the workplace that remind me of my adoptive family. Being in any similar type of environment triggers straight up breakowns. I effectively live as a hermit and smoke weed all day and do my hobbies and take care of my animals because I know no one will ever give a fuck. Everyone I ever loved (including my family when I was young) found a reason to fuck me over due to the mental effects of all the abuse, and I just have to live with that. I really loved my adopted family growing up, and I regret that. I wish that I really gave them hell instead of loving them and trying to 'fix' us by doing family therapy for so long .I even sacrificed a year of my teenagerdom to go to a residential family center for intensive family therapy. I did so much, only for this to be the result.

As of this morning my father is blocked and it is going to stay that way permanently.

[Srcyu]

It's true, we can't think away or medicate away all the damage. I've never heard it put that way before.
The worthless therapist probably thought they were so clever triggering you and then sending worksheets. That will have come straight out of some low grade training manual no doubt.

Good decision about your father.


milly

[monamurre]

Oh Cinnamon Bark, I can hear the pain in your writing! Reading your last paragraph, about your adoption, losing your mother, and the subsequent abuse, just made me want to wrap my arms around you. You have experienced so much devastation, heart ache and being let down in your short 25 years.

Your pain is perfectly valid. These have been horrible experiences that no one should have to go through. At the same time, your family's treatment of you has nothing to do with who you are. There is a version of you that exists completely outside this chaos and pain that other people manufactured and foisted on you. I hope you can visit that version of you more and more as you heal.