Nothing left in the empathy well.

[Boat Babe]

UBPD mum is still very ill, genuinely weak and in pain. I am giving her good care, meeting her needs, in terms of comfort, food, medication etc. I feel zero empathy for her though. Like, absolutely none. She's wrung me dry over the years with drama, drama, drama and now I don't give a ****.  I don't even feel guilty about it.  She's writhing in pain and I'm looking at her with no feeling whatsoever. I now have to go to the pharmacy and pick up a home enema kit. I am THAT close to buying a packet of cigarettes again.

[moglow]

I truly don't have words. BB, can you get some home health care come in to take care of some duties? I mean ... someone who's removed and actually trained, for whom there's no animosity, nothing personal?


My heart goes out to you, and I'm here with you.

[NarcKiddo]

 

A home enema kit! Eww. You're not going to have to administer it are you? I simply couldn't.

[Sneezy]

I now have to go to the pharmacy and pick up a home enema kit. I am THAT close to buying a packet of cigarettes again.

Don't buy the cigarettes!  Don't let your mom do that to you 

I also wonder if you need to buy the home enema kit?  Here's another option - call 999 and tell them that your mom is recovering from surgery at your house and something is wrong with her.  She is in extreme pain and you don't know what to do.  You are afraid that she may have an infection, or maybe the doctor left a sponge inside of her, or maybe she is having a post-surgical heart attack.  Whatever is wrong, you can't stand to see your mom in such pain and she needs to go back to the hospital ASAP.

And then leave her there.  I'm sorry, that sounds so heartless.  But I can't imagine that you are legally obligated to allow your mom to live in your home.  Do you know what happens in the UK if you don't pick someone up from the hospital?  In the US, all hell would break loose and there would be a lot of phone calls made and pressure to pick her up.  But in the end, the hospital couldn't legally do an unsafe discharge, and if no one came to pick her up, a social worker would get involved and eventually a placement would be made.  Either that or the patient would be sent home in an uber if they were able to be safely discharged.  But no one could force anyone to allow a person into their home.

[Srcyu]

OMG, don't go getting the two mixed up will ya?

Seriously though, that would be beyond the call of duty. Sneezy has the right idea.

[moglow]

Here's another option - call 999 and tell them that your mom is recovering from surgery at your house and something is wrong with her.  She is in extreme pain and you don't know what to do.  You are afraid that she may have an infection, or maybe the doctor left a sponge inside of her, or maybe she is having a post-surgical heart attack.  Whatever is wrong, you can't stand to see your mom in such pain and she needs to go back to the hospital ASAP.

Why didn't I think of that?!  Certain pain meds will cause ... elimination issues. Any combination of meds and not eating properly could do that. You're not [I presume] a nurse or doctor - how would you know? What you do know, is that she's writhing in pain and you don't know what to do. You don't know why she's in such extreme pain, and it may literally be nothing you can address at home.

[NarcKiddo]

  Do you know what happens in the UK if you don't pick someone up from the hospital?  In the US, all hell would break loose and there would be a lot of phone calls made and pressure to pick her up.  But in the end, the hospital couldn't legally do an unsafe discharge, and if no one came to pick her up, a social worker would get involved and eventually a placement would be made.  Either that or the patient would be sent home in an uber if they were able to be safely discharged.  But no one could force anyone to allow a person into their home.

Great idea. And as for the discharge, I think that would be the same here. When I was in hospital for surgery I was told I had to have a responsible adult to collect me and to be in the house with me for 24 hours. Obviously they can't monitor the house but they did make it clear a taxi driver did not count as a responsible adult for collection purposes, so I suppose they would have attempted to detain me if I had tried to get a taxi home on my own. (I am married so the point never arose).

For your mother to land back with you in such circumstances I think she would have to discharge herself and make her own way to your house. You, however, could make it clear to the hospital that you are not an option and if she pretends she is going to you then she is lying. At that point I would hope social services would have to step in and sort something out.

[bloomie]

Boat Babe - maybe right now, numbness is your safe place. Because this: " I am giving her good care, meeting her needs, in terms of comfort, food, medication, etc" is not the behavior of an uncaring person. This is the essence of grace, compassion and kindness despite your mother's behaviors.

[moglow]

maybe right now, numbness is your safe place. Because this: " I am giving her good care, meeting her needs, in terms of comfort, food, medication, etc" is not the behavior of an uncaring person. This is the essence of grace, compassion and kindness despite your mother's behaviors.

Yes! You're doing what needs to be done and what you *can* do. Keep on breathing and doing what you need for you to get through - you are *also* due kindness, grace and compassion, and it may be you have to provide that for yourself.

[wisingup]

UBPD mum is still very ill, genuinely weak and in pain. I am giving her good care, meeting her needs, in terms of comfort, food, medication etc. I feel zero empathy for her though. Like, absolutely none. She's wrung me dry over the years with drama, drama, drama and now I don't give a ****. 

I feel this.  How does it work that someone can treat you badly for decades and then you are expected to be their loving caretaker?  I can do the tasks & take care of stuff behind the scenes, but when it comes to interacting with her and dealing with her emotional needs, I am probably the worst person in the world for that job.

After completing losing her sh** on my brother and I this past weekend during the move to AL, I had to call her Tuesday with an administrative question & she love-bombed to a nauseating degree.  I can't feel anything about that now either, except revulsion.

Keeping you in my thoughts Boat Babe - your feelings are normal & rational.

[SonofThunder]

Boat Babe - maybe right now, numbness is your safe place. Because this: " I am giving her good care, meeting her needs, in terms of comfort, food, medication, etc" is not the behavior of an uncaring person. This is the essence of grace, compassion and kindness despite your mother's behaviors.

Imo, what Bloomie wrote is what a nurse, doctor, civilian emt, military medic and most other first responders and physicians in general must do in their practice to stay focused. 

My wishes for BoatBabe is transfer the medical duties to a person who does these for a living.  In the meantime having an indifference + human-care mindset is the only way I could deal with that circumstance. If a professional could be arranged now, I would do that asap.

SoT

[Starboard Song]

I think we have a lot of us telling you something similar, Boat Babe. I'd like to summarize what I hear as the core message while also putting what I believe is an important spin on it.

• You are doing great work for your mother, and that is an act of grace and compassion. You should give yourself credit for this hard work, exacerbated as it is by the nature of the patient.
• It can always become too much: and you are truly not obligated to do this work if you can pass it off in a humane way to other caregivers.
• If you call emergency resources and explain that a house guest is in writhing pain and you don't know what to do, it is indeed likely that they wil come and provide medical assistance. This may be a humane option, if this becomes too much.

I encourage you to remember her humanity and not lose your own. You can step up now and find new options for her care without abandoning her. Whatever she may call it, you can know that you were decent and kind, and always ensured her safety.

Good luck to you.

[monamurre]

I'm so sorry you are in the thick of it right now. I just wanted to chime in and second what Sneezy said about getting her into the hospital and then refusing to take her back home.

My mom went into the hospital with a deadly complication from cancer and wanted nothing more than to come home to die. BUT, she refused to sign paperwork to have hospice support. Soooo, she really expected someone (me) to come 800 miles to provide 24/7 nursing care in her home while she died of sepsis with inadequate medication for pain management? I could just picture the epic struggle and suffering she was angling to set up. It wasn't easy but I said, "hell, no!". "You are in a hospital with professional nursing staff and that is where you should stay!" As Sneezy said, the hospital wouldn't discharge her because she was unsafe on her own. So, despite her continuing to refuse to make any sort of rational decision, the hospital was stuck with her to the end. She got better care than I would have been able to provide and better painkillers than we would have had at home to make her passing comfortable.

I also wanted to reply to your previous post about the toilet paper roll drama to say, to hell with what she thinks of you. She can die mad and there is nothing you can do about that. You ARE doing what you can, you ARE providing (more than) enough. So don't worry about her "opinion" of you. My mom shunned me the last 4 months of her life because I finally put some boundaries in place. I had to just let her obvious distain roll off my back and not worry about pleasing her.

[nanotech]

When they are suffering a crisis, whether health or otherwise, all of their toxic traits come out at the same time, many times magnified to levels that shock and horrify, as they attempt to demolish everything in their path.
Scapegoating increases to insane levels. Everything becomes crystallised into a focus on their needs and wants which become very urgent and acute.
They are having to deal with something WAY out of their control, and it makes them furious. Then it makes them furious with US.
Been there with this.
Best thing is to try to get her back into hospital.
Best thing is not to worry about what she thinks of you. Don't let her use that as leverage over you. It will drive you crazy.
I'm sending hugs xxxxx

[Boat Babe]

You are all so lovely and so wise. Thank you.

[doglady]

Oh Boat Babe, I really feel for you.

I wonder if it might be helpful to ask yourself: if this were someone in my home, with whom I had no complicated personal connection with - and I therefore wasn't also beating myself up about my supposed lack of empathy - what, objectively, would I believe is the best course of action?

The salient point here, as others have already mentioned, is that she is apparently writhing in pain and therefore should be under the care of medical professionals.

The last thing you need to be doing is administering an enema. That's the stuff our worst nightmares are made of.

I do hope she will be back in hospital as soon as possible - where she clearly belongs.

You're going to compromise your own health if you have to put up with this much longer. Let us know what happens.

I'll be thinking of you.