Getting started

[Longbard]

So in the welcome, I introduced myself and how I have come to make sense of the fact that my mother is most likely borderline.  I've taken 3 days for myself.  She has called every day saying she is dying, suicidal, and will be dead.  Yet she is still there.  Learning that these claims have no reasonable response has helped.  Tomorrow I go home.  This trip of staring at or listening to the ocean has helped center me.  At least now I have a reference point to what is right for me. 

I know when I resume my proximity, I need to imagine myself as I am now.  I lived on the other side of the planet in the past, but do you have concrete advice when you live within 30 minutes?  I don't answer the phone. Anything else to help out?

[SonofThunder]

Hello again Longbard,

Being near the ocean sounds delightful and peaceful!  I will again point you to the toolbox as my reply to your question.  Whether you're around the world, on vacation at the beach, in the same town 30 minutes away or sitting in the same room with a PD, the toolbox is your go-to!

Specifically in the toolbox, I recommend a set of tools that work well together. Potentially consider it as a kit.  Each of them has an individual purpose, but all work together for self-protection, self-care and possible reduction of both amplitude and duration of the Karpman drama triangle 🔺 behaviors that PD's thrive upon.  The 🔺 is a dance.  Most of my 🔺 experience has been with 2 people switching dance roles, but the 🔺 can include a third person, so all roles are dancing together at the same time.  At the bottom is a Wikipedia link to the Karpman triangle descriptions and another to Dr Ramani's fantastic YouTube video series on terminology that aligns well with the toolbox.

I recommend the Toolbox 'balancing' kit of:

1. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

2. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

3. https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

4. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-51-rule

5. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-50-rule

Wikipedia Link to Karpman Triangle:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

Wishing you the best in interaction with your mother,

SoT

[Longbard]

Thanks,

Sonofabitch.  She's got a bunch of those.  Like maybe 80%.

[SonofThunder]

Thanks,

Sonofabitch.  She's got a bunch of those.  Like maybe 80%.

SonofThunder, SonofaGun, SonofaBitch... im pretty flexible Longbard, so close enough! 👍🏼 Shall I assume you are (80%) referring to Dr Ramani's video?

SoB

[Big Bear]

She has called every day saying she is dying, suicidal, and will be dead.  I don't answer the phone. Anything else to help out?

Longbard,

I'd say that was good advice from SOT to get started. 

One thing to add would be to consider calling emergency services to send out law enforcement or an ambulance the next time she sends a suicidal threat.  This response takes the message seriously and yet demonstrates strong boundaries.  I consider it a good response whether or not it is a honest threat.

1. If she is doing this as a mere ploy to manipulate, the arrival of emergency services sends the message, "Do not play games with me about this."  If this is her motivation, she should think twice about sending another false threat.

2. If she is actually suicidal (who knows?) then this situation would be best handled by the professionals.  They are trained to handle difficult situations like this.

I witnessed a similar threat at my old job.  Two co-workers were having an argument and one of them threatened suicide before leaving work early.  The other co-worker called the police to the home of the co-worker who made the threat.  The police came, knocked on the door and inquired about a suicide threat.  Suffice it to say that I never heard another suicide threat at work after that!  The call really worked!

I have one brief thing to add for working on your path to healing.  Consider the three C's "I didn't Cause this, I can't Cure this, and I can't Control this."  Hoping that these words could bring some relief.

sincerely,
Big Bear
  : )

[NotCryingGlitter]

Thanks,

Sonofabitch.  She's got a bunch of those.  Like maybe 80%.

SonofThunder, SonofaGun, SonofaBitch... im pretty flexible Longbard, so close enough! 👍🏼 Shall I assume you are (80%) referring to Dr Ramani's video?

SoB

I thought it was a typo, too, til I re-read it. They were reacting to the 80%.

[wisingup]

SOT - I don't think LongBard was calling you SonofaBitch.   I think they were using it like "Holy Cow! this really blew my mind"

[SonofThunder]

SOT - I don't think LongBard was calling you SonofaBitch.   I think they were using it like "Holy Cow! this really blew my mind"

Thanks!  Yes, I agree!  I was simply being humorous, as line spacing and punctuation can change a meaning so quickly😂.  Lol, Ive been waiting for Longbard to chime in, so I could have some fun around the campfire, as the wording made me laugh out loud.  Just line spacing alone is key.

Thanks, Sonofabitch.

or

Thanks,

Sonofabitch. 

🤣🤣🤣

[wisingup]

Lol