UnPdM in hospital. Enmeshed family over involved.

[feralcat]

Hi,
I've posted about my FOO lately. About the codependency and how difficult this makes any effort to form individual relationships.
I was wondering where to post this recent development. Here, or in the sibling section. But tbh they're so intertwined I decided to bracket this as an issue mainly down to unPdM's very recent mishap. The rest just follows on, as night follows day.

She's 89 and still living at home. And has multiple expectations of FOO. It appears she had a fall and is now in hospital, with FOO basically living in the ward ( this isn't the first time they've done this. I even spent one night on the floor next to UnPdM,  prior to coming Out of the FOG. It was a farce. I'd never do it again). She's 'agitated' and in some pain, but still managing to give people lists of jobs.
FOO are piling in - with advice to the medics ( bet they love that), and suggestions for a 'rota' and a Whattsapp group. To discuss who's doing what etc. Ps they generally do all work, have families etc. I live some distance away.

I've been contacted to make sure I know what's happening. I dare say they're wary of me now, because I'm VLC.
DH asked me this morning if it had stopped me sleeping, as contact/ triggering by unPdM can do that. I said No. Because I'm NOT getting involved. And I feel very clear about that.

I texted one Sis to the effect that I feel unPdM is in the right place, that she'll probably need respite care and can well pay for help at home. I.e. Gently but firmly not me, and shouldn't be them either. It probably won't go in very far, but surely that would be the normal route ? Sensible sustainable independent planning ?

I've decided that I'm really digging my heels in about this. I had sort of hoped that over time I could keep some degree of relationships going, rebuild some even, but the price I may have to pay to avoid dredging up old trauma could be to lose any chance of that. My mental health would definitely suffer.

(Silver lining ? I did have one Bro on the phone last night. For ages. He's had a rough deal himself, and has been working hard on himself. He's not in a bad place now. He was much happier when we said goodnight. He just basically wanted someone to tell him it's ok to put yourself, and your own mental health, first. Sod the Guilt ( and the guilt trips). I felt honoured that he chose to talk to me about it. )

Ah well. Onward and outwards.

[Tribe16]

Feralcat, I'm always impressed by people like you that can hang on to their boundaries - gives me hope that I can hold on to mine. That must have been comforting and validating at the same time to have that conversation with your brother. My sister and I are very different, and for many years not at odds but just not real close. She is the free spirit youngest child and I am the oldest, more people-pleasing child. As my mother's uPD has amped up due to caregiving for my dad, we've gotten closer over the past few years, and basically have switched roles, she is the GC now and I am the scapegoat. We've had open and honest conversations about how we have both been treated. I can say that I don't believe that my mom is thrilled that we have grown closer, probably because she knows we are discussing her behavior in much greater detail than ever before (true). It has been validating for both of us.

[Sneezy]

I texted one Sis to the effect that I feel unPdM is in the right place, that she'll probably need respite care and can well pay for help at home. I.e. Gently but firmly not me, and shouldn't be them either. It probably won't go in very far, but surely that would be the normal route ? Sensible sustainable independent planning ?

This is absolutely the best plan for your mom.  And I am not qualified to diagnose anyone.  But at 89, yes, she needs professional care, especially if she wants to stay in her own home.  I made the mistake once of helping an elderly person who had fallen get back up.  To this day, years later, my shoulder is not right.  If you aren't trained properly (and even if you are), it is very difficult to lift another person.  Also, there are medication issues, and someone has to help with showering and toileting.  It's a lot and if your mom can afford professional care, that would be best for her and her family.

I'm glad you had a good talk with your brother.  And good for you for sticking with your boundaries!

[feralcat]

Thanks to both of you .

When I read your answers, which I do need to bolster my determination , I see people congratulating me on my boundaries.
Which feels odd. Cognitive dissonance ? I was bought up to have no boundaries, so trying to have any feels conflicted. I'm not being a Good Girl any more. Im not rushing over to help out, join in.
Plus, I suppose in my mind boundaries should be clear cut. Which they aren't. And being the eternal outsider in my family means that standing apart isn't in reality such a brave deed. If you get what I mean ? As soon as I pull into the shadows I once again become invisible, not kept in the loop.
And that's before I've even said I don't want to be over involved !
Contact with family , including my Bro, has always involved me chasing them......Sigh. Can feel nice in the moment but doesn't last long. Not very filling lol.

So my attempts at putting in boundaries feels like me, fighting with me, inside my head. And they don't even realise.
What a joy. It's never ending. I can see why people say that it doesn't end when the PD parent dies. Their legacy to their children will go on and on. I just hope the effect weakens over the generations.