NC for 1-2 months

[samia]

For the last couple years, both of my parents have been so difficult to deal with that when visiting them/talking with them I often developed terrible headaches and in worse cases broke down in tears. Neither parent has been diagnosed and neither would ever see a reason to do so. However I do know there's something wrong with them both.

Some brief info:
I would describe them both having some kind of character/personality disorder. My father needs the spotlight and tries to get it through self aggrandizing, martyring, or dramatic displays of self destruction, usually laying himself at his children's feet to worry them. He consistently plays dumb when confronted.

My mother wants control and a perfect self image, and she chooses to pit her children against each other, use them as flying monkeys, deny hurting her children and attempt to gaslight them into believing what they've experienced at her hands is in their heads. Both lovebomb by mostly giving their children candies and gifts that they (the parents) would want.

Our family life was turbulent, and me and my siblings have reached adulthood with a lot of damage; I can be very neurotic and I'm quite sure I have undiagnosed OCD, and my siblings have dealt with alcoholism, been diagnosed with bipolar, undergone abusive relationships, and dealt with suicidal tendencies.

Back to now:
The recent conflicts between myself and my parents have been so damaging (incurring frequent nightmares and heavy mental damage to myself and my husband) that I decided on going NC. It took me a while to firmly commit; I established low contact earlier this year to evaluate if NC was the right choice. I did the best I could to discuss my boundaries with both of them, but through following conflicts I decided firmly that NC was best for both.

I did do it without warning, by removing them from my social media, changing my phone number, and blocking theirs. They perhaps have shared my current address, but neither have showed up unannounced or sent my siblings for me.

When I decided on NC, I felt sad and desperate and fed up. I do still struggle with loneliness and persistent dreams about them. However my life has already changed for the better, too. Days are quieter, smoother, devoid of the dread of being contacted by either of them, for any reason. I sometimes feel the kind of safety and comfort that really only existed for me before smartphones and social media.

And finally, my biggest motivator for going NC is my current, and first, pregnancy. I sometimes have fantasies of seeing my parents again and celebrating this milestone with me. But I refuse to subject my child to my parents because I know they refuse to accept they've done and said terrible things to all of their children. And I absolutely hate the idea of any person feeling entitled to my child.

I don't know how to end this, but I'm just going to say I'm glad I found this place.

[moglow]

By the time we decide no contact is best for us, we've fought the battles about as long as we feel we can. While it may have seemed an emotional act of desperation to some, you did what was needed for you and your family. What they choose to do with that isn't yours to carry.

I'm personally not a fan of communicating or discussing my boundaries - it's usually better to live them unapologetically. I'm not suggesting we run roughshod over others and bully them into submission, but rather maintain a calm reasonable self who's no longer cowed by their demands. You need quiet and for all the "discussion" [yelling/complaining/belittling/what have you] to stop? You tune it out. You can stop right there and give a warning -ONE- that we're not having that "conversation" yet again, and change the subject. [Note I didn't suggest you try to explain why or anything else, you're not having that conversation again. Period.] Refuse to respond to goading, insults or pity parties; you also don't need their explanations of why they want to go there.

They continue or ramp it up? Excuse yourself to the restroom or go outside, end the conversation entirely if you have to. Or gotta go, there's someone at the door/I have an appointment/we'll talk another time. Every time. Be polite but be firm, it is what it is and that conversation is getting you/them nowhere, same as it did last time and every time before that. That's exactly how you got where you are with them now. Their choice - continue and you leave, without apology.

And you don't have to explain or apologize for any of this to anyone else either, btw. It is what it is. Others' opinions don't change your realities.

[MarriedFroggy88]

Your situation is very similar to mine. Your father sounds exactly like my father as well.
Every time he sent a message I would feel the dread right into my stomach. Would try to avoid him, but at the same time wondering what he had to say, and thus answering right away just so I could go back to my peace as soon as possible.
I'm glad it's over now.
I know we'll probably be the "bad daughters", but as some members of this community told me: embrace it! The worst thing we could've done to our parents is now done. So, the worst is over. Time to look forward and reach your own happiness

[samia]

By the time we decide no contact is best for us, we've fought the battles about as long as we feel we can. —

It's so hard realizing how deeply messed up it all is; I kept imagining that I would say something just right that would make them see that I was worth respect, or at least basic human decency.

Like, how screwed up is it to feel like you have to go to a person, let alone your parents, and give them so much power by asking "would you please treat me as an equal human being"?

Your situation is very similar to mine. —

And it's crazy that the worst thing is: living life independently, not doing what they want anymore, and leaving them to themselves. It feels like actual escape!

[Call Me Cordelia]

The worst thing you could do to them is... Grow up, live an independent life, take care of yourself, and be a good mother to your child. Wow. That's pretty profound right there.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and welcome to Out of the FOG. I had a few kids when I went NC, but that mama bear instinct that I could not be a good mother while still dealing with their shit was what drove me to NC eventually as well. I think it's a common thing. You yourself are a mother now and that has to come before your role as a daughter. With normal parents the two aren't in conflict, but with extreme PD parents like ours they will not play second fiddle to anyone.

[Ms.Fang]

Congratulations! Going NC is such a tough decision, but you've definitely made the right choice for yourself.
I went NC from my mother about 4 months ago and though it's been tough, it has been the best decision I've made yet.
Good on you for taking a stand and taking care of yourself and your family. Life is too short for such abusive and toxic relationships.
I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties that you and your siblings have suffered because of them, I've been through a similar journey. There is light at the end of the tunnel though and going NC just keeps getting easier.

[BPDParent1]

I am so happy to hear that your life has gotten better;  I am NC (but my BPDfather doesn't yet know - but will soon).  I am terrified of sending the text letting know I wont be speaking with him for awhile, not answering any messages, and will contact him when I feel appropriate in the future (which may be never).  I am TERRIFIED - he is going to go insane - I anticipate loads of gifts, threats, love bombing etc.  I am so scared, but I have been looking for peace for so many years and trying to reconcile ho to have that while still adhering to my fathers demands so that hell leave me alone. Its not possible.  There is no "good" option - I can either deal with ongoing abuse or I can deal with the residual guilt of estrangement.  Guilt beats constant abuse (and I honestly dont feel guilty at the moment).

  I can relate to the horrible dread of interactions, the hurrying up to just respond so they'll leave you alone.  I have to frequently change my ring tone because whatever tone I set for him starts giving me a stress reaction (nausea, dizziness, whenever I hear it).  The constant cloud and heaviness of the person hanging over you.  I've done so much "self discovery" work etc., but I now realize that none of it will ever be effective if I have a relationship with my Father, because I wont be free enough to truly find myself.

I have two small children and they have been my greatest teachers.  I look at them and their pure innocence and cant even imagine saying and doing the things to them that were done to me.  And the saddest part is that even as an adult, I've spent so much time seeking permission from my abuser to leave, as if that would ever happen.

Anyway, I am so happy for you that you are free and for the others commenting that they've found freedom as well.  It gives me hope that I will see that I am too.