Thinking about why they are so lightening fast with insults and random criticism

[rockandhardplace]

I'm finding myself getting sucked into watching dance moms (early seasons) with my youngest, even though that dance teacher is so vile and clearly has PD. Right? The similarities with my uPDh are unreal. Putting aside how she yells at the kids and only cares about them coming first in comps, when any of the moms (yes they have their own issues) dares to stand up to her wow it unleashes a torrent of verbal abuse. In one episode a mom says "everyone makes mistakes, even you". Well within a microsecond she is attacking this mom, think calls her a terrible mother (very common), but then starts to get really insulting about her home life, her love life etc. It's as clear as day to watch that she literally could not take being challenged in even the most minor way. This is exactly what happens to me with uPDh. And it's so clear how utterly pointless it is for anyone to try and reason with them, so it really shows how completely impossible it is to have any kind of relationship with them as you will be personally attacked if you dare to disagree or challenge them on anything.
But the thing that I'm really curious now about is how they are so quick to have these insults to mind? I'm a perfect target for a narc as I tend to internalise things and even as a kid I hated name calling and don't like to hurt other people.. Took me years to see who he was because whenever he attacked me I would look at myself and think I must've played some part, what am I doing wrong etc. There are lots of issues I have with his parenting and obviously his abusive behaviours but I couldn't fight fire with fire even if I wanted to as I don't go around judging him or other people for their choices. I don't look for things that people are doing wrong. Insulting people would just never sit right with me, it's so far from my default that I don't even know how to do it!  And I wonder if that's the difference? Are they so quick to find insults because they are constantly elevating themselves above others by finding fault in everything others say and do? So they never have to look at themselves? Like how they see everyone else in the world as idiots. Our whole relationship I was constantly in JADE mode and he has never ever made any attempt to explain anything he does as it's always thrown back at me as being my fault. And I wonder is that partly because he is constantly on the look out for faults and ways of twisting everything into being negative?? He does a LOT of projection too - as does the dance mom teacher! but thinking more about when you're talking about X and there's what would be difference of perspective to normal people and a second later you're defending yourself about Y that is completely unrelated/untrue/ just random insult. Do PD"s together just yell random insults at each other and walk away feeling better??

[notrightinthehead]

I can't answer your question, but my NPDh used to scold me when I was not critical enough of others.  His mindset was to search for flaws and mercilessly denigrate anything others did, said, had. So he never needed to search for any put downs, they were what he thought about people all the time.

[Srcyu]

I agree with NRITH, it is second nature to them. They are so full of bile that it overflows onto others without them even noticing.
Without any effort at all they gravitate towards their target and release all their pent up negative thoughts.

They feel better, briefly, after doing so.

[NarcKiddo]

It seems to me that they think tearing others down builds them up.

My parents always unleash a torrent of criticism after they have had visitors. My husband has commented more than once to me that he can't understand why they have these people as "friends" when they patently dislike them.

It is very noticeable how their general reaction to other people tends towards the negative.

[square]

Like you, my brain isn't wired that way. But when I was noticing the pattern of pathology with my husband, years ago, one time I was thinking about how he might react to something and was surprised how easily I could quote his likely responses. I realized he had a playbook and had practiced and honed it over the years so well that it was second nature even to me.

[losingmyself]

When I see someone who might be 'different' on TV, I have come to expect some sort of nasty comment.
It's true what Narckiddo said, their self-worth is connected to others looking bad. I was told this by my STBX a very long time ago.  "The worse someone else looks, the better I look"
I also can't comment, maybe defend that person, because he gets angry. I am supposed to hold the same world views as he does. "Of course you disagree with me. You have to disagree with everything I say!"
He will also then switch his comments and say "Well, to each their own"  Then why did you say that mean thing????
 

[wisingup]

It is very noticeable how their general reaction to other people tends towards the negative

This is so true.  My uBPDm's normal conversation is to criticize and gossip about people.  I'm sure it somehow makes her feel better about herself.  It sure makes the world a depressing place for a kid - with people that you love constantly put down.  It made it impossible to have close relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, because she was so negative about all of them behind their backs that we inevitably picked up her bad feelings toward them.

Another consequence of course is that it led me to be this way myself.  I am actively working on overcoming this - giving people the benefit of the doubt & also not discarding people who have imperfections & assuming that others will discard me when I display imperfections.  What a terrible way to live   

When I was a kid & would criticize people to her, it could go either way.  If she was currently threatened by those people she ate it up & agreed with me.  If those people were currently in her good graces, she raged at me for daring to criticize. 

The biggest fight we ever had was me expressing some hurt over my dad's treatment of me.  This was a man who was an alcoholic, she was separated from and had had a terrible relationship with, but she ground me into the dirt when I dared to criticize him as a parent.

[moglow]

I think it's as stated above - the inner narrative is incessantly negative and critical, and that's what's available most of the time. I know with mine, there's impatience and frustration when others *don't* participate with the negativity and gossip. It's like she digs deeper for it, and will often turn it on whoever she's venting to if they fail to play along.

[Catothecat]

Definitely practice makes perfect.  Those who engage in these tactics are practiced to the point where it's second nature, they don't even seem to think about it.  I've even heard completely off-the-wall comments coming from a PD just because it's the first thing that popped into their head, not necessarily even having anything to do with the situation!  I've heard how I "always do (fill in the blank)" when I've never even done (fill in the blank)!   Responding becomes pointless because they've gone into their world where I'm more of a representation than a real person. 

And I'm very familiar with what you dealt with growing up, wisingup.  My mother isn't NPD, but she's high up the narc scale, and looking down her nose at everyone was just what she did.  No one escaped her criticism.  I, too, picked up a lot of her fleas but I learned to recognize those fleas and deal with them rather than allow them to fester and destroy my relationships, as well.  But yes, it was hard being around friends and relatives when I knew what she thought of them and said behind their back.  And since she was my mother and the supposed "adult" I assumed what she said had to be the truth.  Fortunately, at a gut level, I knew she was wrong, or at least mistaken.  I slowly learned to trust my instincts about a person over the words she said, especially since she had negative words to say about almost everyone.  Even as a kid, I knew it wasn't likely that absolutely everyone around was so awful, but I also learned to keep my feelings to myself because defending someone against her would just cause an argument.

And yes, my father was also an alcoholic and a terrible father (if he could even be called a father) and my mother certainly had words about him, but I could never repeat those words because as soon as I did she'd do an about-face and start defending him.  She could be a critic, but I couldn't.  The only "truth" that existed was hers.  Everyone else was just plain wrong.

[treesgrowslowly]

I think it's as stated above - the inner narrative is incessantly negative and critical, and that's what's available most of the time. I know with mine, there's impatience and frustration when others *don't* participate with the negativity and gossip. It's like she digs deeper for it, and will often turn it on whoever she's venting to if they fail to play along.

Your questions are important ones.

They are reacting to the world around them and they are in a negative state. As Moglow said, they are in a negative emotional state most of the time, so that is what comes out.

Somewhere along the road of life (probably early on for most of them) they went into this negative state. Dr. Gabor Mate talks about how this state can come over a person early on in life.

As adults, the narcissism - and tearing down others - is all they really know. Some of the narcs I've met cannot fathom being kind to someone. Others are charismatic, and charm people who don't know how to detect narcissism in someone.

Narcissists are constantly defending themselves, and a lot of research suggests that they are in a very emotionally immature state. I personally do not think they have a lot of empathy.

Because your empathy is intact, you 'get' to have the 'typical' physiological reactions if you say something cruel or insensitive to others (your empathy kicks in). Even imagining yourself behaving like a narc probably feels uncomfortable physiologically for you.

Not having someone to criticize was typically highly upsetting to the narcissists I knew.