Going downhill quickly

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I feel like I'm reliving my extremely painful childhood.  I was too young to remember being devalued by my parent and then discarded and scapegoated.  From what I've heard, it happened before I turned two.

I remember feeling hated.  Not just some of the time, but all of the time.  How that FOO parent would look at me and treat me with utter disgust. I felt physically repulsive, like something that had crawled out of the trashcan & somehow all bad things were my fault.  That parent's behavior was copied by an older sibling, and still is.  

Now a uNPD married into my FOC.  It was always somewhat uncomfortable.  The extreme control behaviors and the running down of the person the uPD married.  But we still behaved like a family until a few years ago when one person started getting devalued and then discarded, excluded completely.  I asked that no one be excluded.  Then I started being devalued and pushed to the side ... excluded, discarded.   The whole FOC has completely fallen apart.  Of the 3 I've been closest to, one is just withdrawing from the whole FOC and the other two want me in their lives but can't stand up to the uNPD.

I feel completely sickened as this very quickly goes more and more downhill.  Not sleeping.  Walking around with a knot in my gut.  Feeling like the kid who is not just unwanted, but physically repulsive and too despicable to be acceptable, no matter how much she knocks herself out trying to be okay.  I feel humiliated, afraid, hopeless and full of shame ... going into freeze mode a fair bit.  And my trauma T is leaving very soon. It's getting worse quickly.  Survival mode.  It's hard to even show my face around people who have always liked me and are my friends. This is so, so hard.

[moglow]

Lookin, stop where you are for a moment [or however long you need, whenever you need], find a dip in that hill where there's more stable firm ground.  People change, families and relationships change over time. That doesn't mean you failed or that you can't change your life and your relationships. Feel what you feel and mourn the losses of the family as you knew it, but understand that -even though it is your family and by that it is very personal- this isn't personally against YOU.

Yes, there are plenty of people out there that it's simply easier to go along to get along rather than confront them and put up with resulting fracas. Avoidance can be your friend in those situations. A lot of families have fractured and imploded altogether due to the maneuverings of a few. My own family is one - somewhere during our growing years, mother's family simply was no longer willing to gather as we used to. I don't know where exactly that happened, but I do hold my mother and her sisters primarily responsible. When our grandfather passed, the family withered even more. It's very different from what some of my friends experience - some of those are worse, some not so bad as mine.

What I'm saying is, try to not take their stuff personally, disappointing and as hard an adjustment as it has to be. Their choices are their responsibility even when it overflows onto others. Make whatever plans you want with the ones you want to be with and with whom the feeling is mutual. They don't want to stand up to the problem child? Fine. They're still adults who can make their own choices. There may well be no/few future group gatherings as a result, but understand that's not your responsibility. Do what YOU need, be who YOU are, don't let someone else make that decision for you. I doubt there are easy choices, but do what is needed to make it work for you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thank you, Moglow.  Yes, I agree with and believe everything you say.  Reading it helps me see what my problem really is -- my PTSD responses are quickly increasing in frequency and severity.

When that wire gets tripped, the immediate flooding of adrenaline, cortisol, etc. can send me into a complete panic.  I can no longer relate in a normal way.  If it's not too intense I can just say a few words, wrap up my involvement, and exit the scene.  If it's really intense, it's paralyzing and my brain gets so foggy I can't talk or think. 

I'm starting to feel that I'm not okay to be around people, I'm so sensitized right now.  It ratcheted up so quickly, it's really scary. 

I suppose it doesn't matter that the situation is about family PD stuff, which is why I posted it here. Reaching out so I don't feel so alone.  But it could be about anything that sets off that trigger.  There's no reasoning to be done at that point.  It's very physical and comes over me in a millisecond.  It's been a long time since I had this to this degree.  I thought I had healed more than that.  Unfortunately, I guess not.

[moglow]

I think our healing comes in waves, that there are and will be setbacks here and there. It's not necessarily a straightforward linear process, but more of a cha-cha with some step changes all along. A presumed setback doesn't have to be all or none - think of it as a teaching moment really. It means we may need to adjust according to our own needs of the moment.

Maybe you're not okay to be around groups of people right now , or maybe just particular ones who set your spidey senses on edge. And that's okay! Know and respect that small voice that tells you No. Maybe now is just not the time and you'll feel differently another time.

Taking a step back isn't a bad thing, may be just what's needed to clear that fog. Be gentle with yourself, find some nurturing activities that help soothe the beast while you work through it.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, again, Moglow.  I just got back from a  2 1/2 day camping trip I had arranged several weeks ago.  What a good time to get away from all the family stuff here.  My body relaxed as soon as it registered that the landscape was different, that I was really away from home where the stress is located.  Of course that's no permanent fix.  But it was a much needed break.

As you said, it's not all or nothing.  Feeling that old panic again, to that degree, was like "OMG!  I thought I had gotten better, but not at all.  I'm just as bad as I ever was!  What's wrong with me?!"  I guess I'm not immune to having intense trauma responses, which seem not too far from a panic attack.   

I decided if the discard includes Mother's Day tomorrow, I'll just do something to honor myself.  It's strange -- that kind of reasonable, adult thinking is what meets the situation sometimes, and other times it's a freaked out inner kid who feels she's back in the crazy FOO life and maybe can't survive it.   At those times I come and read what everybody here writes ... and sometimes write something myself.    Thanks, everyone, for keeping this support community going! <3

[Breadroll]

hi lookin- sorry to hear you are experiencing this- people on this forum j have some gréât advice, and we get it!

Some sites I found help from include Patrick Teahan— family systems perspective.  And inner child stuff- I am still very much a work in progress- but it does help.

Keeping a light on in the window- and you are not alone- we are all navigating through. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

And for you as well, Breadroll.  I know you're going through it right now, too.

Thanks for the tip on Patrick Teahan.  There are so many great sources out there now, and I've been introduced to many of them through here.

It's probably a lot to take on for myself, especially with PD's, but this is what I'd really like to learn how to do.  Have an inner attitude of fearlessness, where I'm not afraid to be honest and am able to do it without being unkind ... and also have an inner heart that's open and soft, with enough wisdom to avoid actions which make myself or others a sitting duck.   I've known a few very special people who are quite skilled with this kind of balance.  They love everyone yet they're nobody's fool, and so joyful in life and a delight to be around.   

However, maybe I should first just focus on integrating past trauma stuff so I'm not spinning out & getting paralyzed with those PTSD triggers.   

And the beat goes on . . . .