Neglect

[Leonor]

Hello dear OotFers,

I have a lot of feelings coming up around neglect/abandonment lately.

(The amazing and annoying thing about the healing path are all the little unexplored trails and rivelets that I stumble upon along the way!)

Part of it is coming to terms with the fact that my HPD mother did not just flip a switch when I confronted her about the abuse and then she discarded me. She was never there; or rather, for her, I was never there.

She used to say "Oh, the best day of my life was when Leonor learned to pour herself her own bowl of cereal!" Because she didn't have to get up early on Saturdays to make me breakfast anymore. Because she was hung over from going out all night the night before. I was six! 

I'll share more stories later, but for now what's clicked is how all of the things I used to blame myself and feel so much shame about, like going to school with unwashed hair or having wonky teeth or wearing cheap clothes that are too big, or not knowing how to eat or, as I got older, drinking myself blind and sleeping around and being a mess, or even today having a really hard time with eat/sleep schedules, plus still wearing whatever and just kind of faking the whole grown up thing  ... It's because I have no clue on how to navigate life. I was a little kid just kind of left to fend for myself and tried to copy what everyone else seemed to be doing.

I married a human rolodex, if anyone remembers what those are!, so he's the one who will say, ok, time to refill your meds, or sit and eat breakfast, or now we go grocery shopping. But since he's been overseas working, I've had to manage it on my own. My children help: they have to be at school or practice or a friend's house at such and such a time, they get a warm breakfast every morning, they need clean clothes. So I can plan my day around theirs. But with h overseas working, it's become clear to me *why* I struggle so much with basic $#@ like, when do I take a shower? Or, have I eaten in the past 12 hours? Or, it's 3 am, I wonder if I should go to sleep. I'm not manic. I'm just confused. Of course, then I can say, holy cow Leonor, it's 3 am, yes, you should go to bed!

But how lost I was when I was little! And how vulnerable. How embarrassed I felt for things that someone else should have done for me, like drawn a bath or bought me clothes or washed my hair. How freaking easy it was for older predators to just hone in on me.

It was like living in a tornado, just noise and dust and, at the same time, total deadening silence.

Going to do something nice for me today; I hope you do something nice for you, too!

[NarcKiddo]

Your tornado analogy resonates with me.

I wasn't neglected in the way you describe because outward show meant too much to my mother to send me out in an obvious state. She did the bare minimum for the maximum outward show of normality. I identify with the "faking the whole grown up thing" because I was never taught anything. The nurturing tasks were a burden to her, to be done and got out of the way. So I learned most things by observation, which was not the best because most of my observing had to be of her behaviour so as to reduce as much as possible any blow back on me worse than already being the cause of her having to do this horrible chore.

Fortunately I was sent to boarding school and while that was really tough they did at least monitor us to make sure we washed, changed our clothes, knew how to make our beds etc. And we were taught things like not telling lies! I struggled hugely at the time but I am overall grateful for that schooling. And for my grandmother who liked to bake cakes with me and so taught me that some aspects of cooking could be a pleasure.

I feel very much for you and I can totally identify with what you say.

I'm glad you are going to do something nice for you today. 

[Boat Babe]

Oh Leonor, what a terribly sad story - here's a massive hug for that little neglected girl. Neglect is as bad as any other abuse and makes it so hard to have a sense of self as we develop as babies and children in relation to others. I am so sorry. As you say, the healing journey is not particularly linear and meanders all over the place. I really hope you can negotiate these difficult feelings as they arise and extend yourself all the self compassion you can muster. Sending you lots of love xxxxx

[Liketheducks]

Yes......do something very nice for that six year old you.  She's deserves to be treated with love and compassion.    I'm going to do the same.    Big hugs for that little girl.   You deserved so much more than you received.

Your post really resonates with me.   My dad was an alcoholic and addict....mom did her fair share too.   I grew up not knowing how to ask for any help.   Fiercely independent.  For me, it was the way I coped.   I would ask my parents and get let down so often, that I just stopped.   And now, later in life....I'm loathe to let them get that close to that vulnerable side of me.     They still are incapable of helping.   They have learned to weaponize their incompetence.    And, the expectation is that I now helpful everyone because I'm so "capable".     

My dad does the switch flipping thing too.   The abuse never happened....or it was mom's fault....or something else randomly and blatantly untrue.      I think it is the only way he can live with his role in what happened, by full on denial.   I've come to a point in my life where I don't need to argue the points anymore....but that took a very, very long time and a LOT of therapy.   

I'm so sorry you're here.    Give that six year old all the love and care she missed out on.   Treating that younger you with the love you missed is so healing.    I'm going to do that too. Hugs!

[Cat of the Canals]

Part of it is coming to terms with the fact that my HPD mother did not just flip a switch when I confronted her about the abuse and then she discarded me. She was never there; or rather, for her, I was never there.

I had a similar revelation when I realized how conditional my mother's "love" is. And it always has been. I knew it, deep down. She made it very clear that if we didn't meet her expectations, we would be be screamed at and shamed and then given the silent treatment (which as much as it is the silent TREAT now, it's scary as a child to have a caregiver completely shut you out). The message came through loud and clear: be perfect or be abandoned.