finally dealing with the truth

[Mourdrid]

Hi,

I am 54 years old, 7 years removed from a 25 year marriage to someone that I never knew. Spent the first few years after I left the toxic relationship drinking myself to oblivion because I couldn't deal with the truth. I was to embarrassed that I allowed myself to be manipulated for so long and truly felt I was to blame for the treatment. I am now 3 years sober and starting to get the emotional strength to address how this has changed me and start working on my trust issues. Have not had but one close relationship in 7 years and when I started to have feelings for her...I don't even have the words to describe the rush of euphoria quickly replaced by utter fear and paranoia. Tired of seeking only emotionless relationships, afraid I might bring  my trauma to someone else, and I need to heal.

Honestly as a man ego probably keeps me from admitting someone controlled me and hurt me so deeply.  Recently I had the Light Bulb moment when one of my wounds opened up and I started to think about what triggered my regressive feelings. I had some idea of what I was experiencing through the marriage, was told by her the diagnosis was Bi Polar. A few days ago I was  going through various disorders when I came across symptoms for BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. Can't describe how eerie it felt to hear about the cycle and stages of these relationships. Had always known my mother was a narcissist and I had issues with pleasing her but refused to accept I married someone like my mom. Since I have began taking care of my parents in their old age, the manipulation and guilt trips are bringing on anxiety and a desire to avoid.

Looking for some place to get evaluated, I know I have built defense mechanisms but I don't want to self evaluate, I need to know exactly what is wrong with me. Either I am the cause or I subconsciously have a need to be needed so intensely. Just  as always when the abuse, blame, manipulation, gaslighting start, I first withdraw, try to hide but she will call or even come over to my place looking for me. My mom now is really exhibiting signs of old age and the fear of abandonment is  causing bizarre behavior and she blatantly prevents me and my dad from having much time alone. Even when I set boundaries for her, she acts like I never told her or the invasion of privacy was justified.

Sorry that's a lot to take in but I'm sure I am not the first person to ramble like this.  Thanks for any advice on where to go from here is most appreciated.

[bloomie]

Mourdrid - hi and welcome to Out of the FOG!

You have already done some deep recovery work and have a lot to commend yourself for! It seems like you are ready to tackle a different aspect of your healing and you have found a community and resources that can be part of a network you build around yourself of support and self discovery.

Those lightbulb moments are such a relief, but I have found inevitably are followed by a crush of undeserved shame if we are not careful. It is okay that you have done what you thought best in your life and did the best you knew to do with what you understood at the time. It is also seems that you are a person who can recognize when you need to adjust course. And do the hard work to do so.

We are happy to walk alongside you as you continue on this journey of healing and revelation. Keep coming back and sharing! Looking forward to supporting you out on the forum boards!