The Great Apology Tour

[Sneezy]

Mom's latest tactic is to create drama and then get all emotional and apologetic.  For example - my adult daughter came in for a quick weekend with us.  DD and I took mom out to dinner last evening.  Mom was grumpy and snippy and just downright miserable to be around.  Now, this morning, the apology phone calls have started.  Mom wants me to call her, she wants DD to call her, she MUST explain what happened, she HAS to talk to us and clear the air, she NEEEEEDS us to call right away and let her tell us all about why she was the way she was.

Luckily for me, DD is very good at setting boundaries.  I need to follow her example.  DD just said "nope, Grandma does this all the time and I'm tired of it."  And she is right.  My mom loves to create drama and then manipulate people into calling her the next day so she can "apologize," which is really just her rehashing the drama and trying to get more attention.

So now - I have to resist the urge to call mom.  Every bone in my body wants to call her and JADE.  And if I do that, I will regret it.  That's why I'm out here typing instead 

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow. What a clever little DARVO-fest from your mother. She behaves badly and now DEMANDS that you call so she can offer excuses and rugsweep and then get a gold star for apologizing? Oh, and if you don't, obviously you're the bad guy now.   

Definitely follow your daughter's example. And also note how simple a response it is for her. That isn't an accident -- she isn't trauma bonded with your mother the way you are. So if you're tempted to beat yourself up for not having the natural good boundaries your daughter has, just remember you were programmed not to have them in the first place.

[Leonor]

Roll uuuuup!

The NPD 'Pology Tour!

Now that's an invitation

For some commiseration!

Roll uuuuup!

 

[Sneezy]

Thanks Cat!  Mom called again this morning, and I gave in and called her.  She didn't say a word about her terrible behavior on Saturday.  Guess the Apology Tour has ended early.  Mom was full of complaints, of course - her phone volume is too low and her foot hurts and it's too hot out and on and on and on.  She is mentally exhausting.  And she wanted a promise that I would call her again, and I just said I'd catch up with her later in the week.  I can't keep doing these calls.

Leonor - That is priceless  I've often said my mom should be a politician.  She would be on an endless news cycle of getting caught doing something inappropriate and then being on all the major news shows to cry and apologize.  Any news is good news for politicians, whether the news is positive or scandalous.  Mom would be a natural 

[moglow]

Sneezy, rolling my eyes hard here on your behalf. Md used to do that too, OMG I have to talk to you please please call!! It quickly devolved into "you never call meeeeee" when I wasn't available on command. Of course she always called during my workday, didn't call or answer when I called her later day or on wknds. [I never did hear back from her "I owe you a huge apology but I don't remember any of those things..." of a few months ago. ]

Pick a day you'd be willing to call her, tell her when, and don't take her calls in the meantime. You have stuff to do, can't with her all up in your brain 24/7. I know that's what she wants but it's not sustainable.

And btw, as your daughter pointed out she was the way she is, just like she is pretty much every time. It's not new news. Pointing it out doesn't really help but it sure does help lance the boil for us every great once in a while. Just brace yourself for a flood of deNile if you decide to go there. 

[lkdrymom]

Just wanted to agree with the poster that pointed out your daughter sees this all very clearly and can easily say Nope, not playing the game. Follow her lead.

[Dragonfly]

  Same situation here- also with a daughter that is currently no contact with her Grandmother. Wow!