BPD Mom Weaponizes Concern

[Kittenkatboots]

I've been no contact with my mother and siblings for now 2 months. My mother emailed me from an account earlier this week I hadn't blocked to ask me to call her.

I didn't respond because I don't want to get sucked in again. I'm not sure that I'll be NC forever but that's what is good for me now. I've been finding myself and getting better rest. For the first time in my conscious life, I feel peace, you know?

It is now 5 days later and now she is concerned and is stirring things to influence the siblings into reaching out.

I have been independent from my family for several years. I've lived on my own. When we were close and talking, no one ever checked on me. The only times I got "checked on" were when there were family events I backed out of where I was bringing some kind of dish. My mother has flown to my state to go to events for my sister and her family and had the expectation that because I'm the youngest, I should be hosting and chauffeuring her around. When I have rejected the request, it became a whole thing.

I wouldn't mind doing any of this if she was actually a mother to me.

No one ever called just to genuinely hear about how I've been doing. They called to keep track of my progress and see how they can impose their ideas, deter me from pursuing my goals, or ask me for favors.

Now that I'm not playing the game, we're all concerned? I'm at the point of grief where I'm not as angry with everything but accepting it for what it is and figuring out what moving forward means.

But this really sucks. She only cares when she can't control me or keep tabs or have some kind of influence.

[xredshoesx]

gotta love the intrusive behavior masked as 'concern'.    i like how you described it as weaponizing- that's so true and i can hear the argument to FOG you back to the fold..... ' we called you and and called you blah blah blah'

i've been NC for like 30 years now.  it hasn't been easy and i made a lot of mistakes to learn from, but i can fairly say now my worst day in the world on my own was still better than any day with my uPD mother and her family in it.

[NotCryingGlitter]

No one ever called just to genuinely hear about how I've been doing. They called to keep track of my progress and see how they can impose their ideas, deter me from pursuing my goals, or ask me for favors.

THIS. There's never a genuine question of your feelings, but only a criticism of what vibe they think you give off, etc.

[Kittenkatboots]

my worst day in the world on my own was still better than any day with my uPD mother and her family in it.

I very much identify with this. I have gone through some tough moments without them recently. But I know had I gone through it with my family, I'm not sure I would've been better for it or felt less alone.

Ugh!

In the past, when my BPD mom couldn't reach me after an argument and telling her I needed space, she'd use the whole "I'm calling the police if you don't answer" as a way to bypass that communicated boundary.

A great part of me knows that I'm okay now. But part of me is nervous that she would do this now.

[Cat of the Canals]

Weaponizing is exactly the term for it, and don't forget the guilt trip they usually add on top -- because it's you're fault for worrying them. 

If she does ever play the police "wellness check" game, just tell them the truth: your mother is mentally ill, and she is using wellness checks as a manipulation/harassment tactic. You're sorry she dragged them into it. This happens way more than you think.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Weaponizing is exactly the term for it, and don't forget the guilt trip they usually add on top -- because it's you're fault for worrying them. 

If she does ever play the police "wellness check" game, just tell them the truth: your mother is mentally ill, and she is using wellness checks as a manipulation/harassment tactic. You're sorry she dragged them into it. This happens way more than you think.

That and remind her that she doesn't want the police thinking she needs to be checked out at a mental hospital because of her keeping them from other emergencies for a reason like that...or that she doesn't want to be charged with submitting a false report or something similar.