Greetings! I'm 68 & have been NC w/uPDf for 52 years

[Still Herding Cats]

Hello!

I'm a 68-yo woman & I've been NC (3 brief exceptions in the 52 years) w/my now-93-yo abusive uPDf since I was 16.  I'm vvLC with other family members because, y'know, flying monkeys (he & my mother divorced shortly after I left home, and she died 28 years ago). 

I'm sure that the reasons I'm NC with him have been completely misrepresented (as one would expect).

Recently his wife sent me a card asking me to send him a note to let him know how I'm doing "before it's too late."

I'm leaning towards answering her to say "not gonna happen" and explain, but I'm debating... which is what brought me here. 

Not sure if this belongs more in the "Dealing With PD Elderly Family Members" forum (where it appears everyone posting is still in contact w/their parents) or the "Going No Contact With a PD Parent" forum (where it appears lots of, if not most, people posting are dealing with issues *enforcing* no contact), so I'm feeling like a bit of a unicorn, but I'll probably toss a coin, pick one, and post more details there.

[SonofThunder]

Greetings to you Still Herding Cats and welcome to Out of the FOG!

Im sorry to read you were abused by your father as a child, but I tip my hat to you for being strong enough to go NC with your father at the age of 16.  Since you are new to the forum, I want to recommend the Toolbox tab at the upper right.  In that tab, you will find the 'What Not To Do' drop-down, and there you can read on the acronym of 'JADE', which stands for justify, argue, defend, explain. 

I do not desire to JADE with a PD, because PD's throw out a lure (fishing analogy) in order for the nonPD to be fooled into swallowing the lure's hook and responding (JADE).  When a PD runs into another person's strong boundary (such as your NC) they will frequently utilize another nonPD as a 'flying monkey' (Wizard of Oz reference) in order to leverage them to do the PD's dirty work of manipulation. 

If the flying monkey does not cooperate with the PD, they will be punished in some manner for their lack of cooperation.  This particular lure is from your father, through his wife, and has been covered in the fish-attractant of guilt and victimhood with "before its too late".  In my opinion (imo), she is complying with his request, to choose the most peaceful route for herself.  I have plenty of experience with this scenario, as I have a PDf and a flying-monkey mother. 

You wrote this sentence below which is the lure, tossed into your pond by his flying monkey wife. 

" Recently his wife sent me a card asking me to send him a note to let him know how I'm doing "before it's too late."

You also wrote your potential JADE, with:

" I'm leaning towards answering her to say "not gonna happen" and explain, but I'm debating..."

Following the Toolbox protocol, we non's should desire to 'noJADE', as we now know the lure is not real, but a well designed facade, to get us non's through the lip, and onto the dinner plate of the real PD motive of manipulation. 

See you around the boards!

SoT

[Starboard Song]

I too commend your strength and welcome you to Out of the FOG.

You are in the right place. After this initial post, dealing with Elderly PD folks is the next place to go.

I personally encourage you to NOT respond. I'm pushing 8 years NC with my in-laws. The desire to explain and argue and defend -- the desire to JADE -- is so strong. But you went NC for a reason, and you've done it a LONG time. I doubt a respite from NC would feel good.

Welcome to our community.

[Still Herding Cats]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies, SonOfThunder and Starboard Song!  (Sorry for the delayed response, I was stymied for a while because the CAPTCHA to respond was asking, "What color is the banner at the top of this page?" and wouldn't accept any answer as correct.  Finally it gave me a different set of CAPTCHA questions, whew!)