Nice to meet you

[Sister Ha]

Hello, I'm a woman, 59, and my mother has some version(s) of personality disorders. When I was a child and she had control over me, she was violent and cruel. My father was codependent to my mom and, until I was 14, he was very often drunk. My mother's mother, Grandma, either lived with or near us until the end of her life.  Grandma also had a drinking problem.  Neither my father or grandmother ever struck me and were otherwise quite fun and kind.  I also have a younger sister, aka the golden child to my being the scapegoated child, but looking back, Dad, Grandma, Sis, and I all walked on eggshells around my very sober, very religious, self-righteous, screaming, beating, gaslighting, etc, hellscape of a mother.

To other adults like neighbors, teachers, church members, etc, my mother presented herself completely opposite to the reality of our homelife.  She appeared to be the caring Christian woman who would do anything for anybody.  Sometimes some people would see a peek of the real her or perhaps just intuitively felt that she was "off" and would cut ties with her.  But mostly I was praised by adults for having such a wonderful mother all the while I was being accused, abused, and assaulted nearly every day/night.  My mother would point out my emotional detachment and depression and acting out to her friends and acquaintances as a way to gain their sympathy and attention.

I feel like I've already written a lot here and yet it's only the tip of the iceberg. One of my earliest memories is me begging my grandmother to take me away from my mother. I was just 2 or 3 and I was terrified of her and I knew I was in danger. By the time I was 19, I was out of the house but I was also a real mess.  I had spent so many years just surviving that I never really learned how to take care of myself or be independent. I would cry at inappropriate times, have panic attacks at inopportune times, get into friendships and relationships with questionable people. But I could hold a job and make money and I stayed at questionable people's places until I could make enough money to pay rent myself.  I also went to therapy (previously forbidden by my mother) when I could afford it and found my way into transcendental meditation and yoga. At least I was able to make a happier, saner life for myself for a while.

I'll note that I never completely went no contact with my mom. I went either low contact or dgaf contact with her.  There would be outbursts between us at times, but I mostly was able to breathe through whatever situation and of course, simply leave when necessary.  I found ways to minimize the drama and just keep moving.

I got laid off from my job during the Great Recession, and I hung on for year or two but I eventually had to start borrowing money from my parents.  Then Dad got ill and my mom, who I truly appreciated her financial help at the time, needed my help with my father. I couldn't make my rent and they needed my help, so I put my belongings in storage and moved back home.  It was supposed to be temporary but it's been 8 or 9 years now.  In fact, I got my belongings out of storage just a few months ago.  Dad died a couple years ago and Mom has now been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimers.  She's mostly independent, but she also can't be alone.

At first, while helping care for Dad, Mom would be extremely dismissive of my role in his care -- even when it was pointed out to her by her own friends and health care workers at how kind and capable I seemed to be at helping them.  Now that she's alone, (golden child Sis has gone fully NC since the death of our father), Mom has grown more appreciative. She's even fearful at times that I might leave her.  Then there's times she in full rage and paranoia over some perceived or actual slight (I do get the occasional fleas) and she threatens to kick me out of the house.  But between her fear of abandonment and memory issues, it passes quickly.

Still, it can be difficult.  Mom is a long-time hoarder, which she laughably blames on me if anyone (ie, a plumber) comes into the house.  She sabotages any effort I make to try to clean and clear the house.  She gets upset that I won't give her access to my bank account since, as she says, I have access to her bank accounts -- which is only the case because she needs help using computers, remembering passwords, paying bills on time, etc.  She still really wants that control over everybody and everything, but now the condition of her mind and body make it too difficult for her to make overwhelming chaos.  Until recently, she was sneaking up on me in my bedroom, startling me, just like she used to when I was a kid.  It was triggering for me and just another example of her long-time disregard for any boundaries.  So I got a motion-activated doorbell. I can remind myself nowadays that I don't have to be triggered, I'm no longer a kid, I'm an adult who can solve problems.  I really wish I could solve the problem of the hoarded mess in the house, though -- especially since she casts me as the creator of the mess while simultaneously not allowing me to box anything up or throw anything away.  Talk about frustrating!

So this is my story as it stands. I don't have many outlets for my current situation which is why I'm so glad to find this forum. Mom and I argue, mostly about the trash in the house that she won't let me throw out (like used k-pods -- why?!!) and other nonsensical manifestations of her disorders that she actually refers to as "common sense".  I also have legal concerns as Mom ages and succumbs to Alzheimers because, of course, she won't give me even limited power of attorney due to her fear of losing control.  Nor will she allow me use of her car without her so I can't get stuff out of the house without her being in total control of that too. She was sometimes grabbing me and jerking me (talk about triggers), but I put a stop to that right quick. I trained her to keep her hands to herself, and I've even found her mimicking how I care for our animals so at least she's not smacking them around anymore either. (of course, I would stop her whenever I caught her.)

Well, thank you for going on this deep dive with me, and I look forward to getting feedback.  Stay safe out there, friends! 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Seems you got your plate full for now! As for the hoarding, there was a guy here a while ago, who's wife would not even let him throw out full vacuum cleaner bags. I think he moved out eventually and let her keep her decades of full vacuum bags.
Do you have a life besides caretaking your mother? Do you have a social network? Support group? In my town there is a self help group for caretakers of people living with dementia and Alzheimers, is there something like that where you are?
I am glad you found us and look forward to seeing you around on the boards.