Dealing with child with new diagnoses, narcissist parent making it all harder

[anonhand]

I'm at a crossroads deciding whether to cut contact with my father and looking for advice. My specific questions are at the end of this post.

The aspects that make this decision harder:

- He is approaching 80
- I don't want to cut off my mum and they are still together
- I live abroad (how do I visit one and not the other?)
- I think he is so mentally unwell that he genuinely feels like the victim and like a misunderstood good buy
- My mum enables him and has drunk the cool aid

Quick back story - my toddler son was born prematurely. He has had delays and a lot of therapy, plus major surgery. My Dad hasn't been available to really listen or understand anything going on. It's either that his feelings are "bigger" or he just invalidates it.

My son was recently diagnosed with autism. I told my parents about the diagnosis and my Dad sent a long text criticizing the diagnosis. I replied with more facts and details, justifying the process and diagnosis. My mum then swooped in via email to tell me to be more careful with my words and smoothe it over. (My Dad hasn't even met my son yet because it's always me that has to do the traveling.) I've grown up with my Dad teasing and invalidating. He's the only one in the family allowed feelings.

My Dad then sent an email cancelling my birthday gift saying he is "really not coping".

During the same week my parents knew we had to put our dog to sleep. My son also was being put under for an MRI. He has since been diagnosed with a much more serious life-long disability and I haven't told my parents yet. I ended up in the ER with chest pains and a dangerously high heart rate that week, the stress was too much. My Dad's behaviour seriously contributed to this.

It's been 3 months and we have barely spoken. I haven't spoken on the phone with my Mum either and it's swept under the rug. She obviously wants keep the relationship going as if nothing happened and wants to visit me in a couple of months (without Dad).

I need to be strong for my kids right now, I don't want to be abused like this anymore.

My questions:
- Do you announce that you're going no contact?
 -Do you think he should be given some pass for being so mentally messed up that he really is pathetically fragile and wounded by any perceived criticism?
- If you have gone no contact, is the grief of missing your parent (and likely the other) not worth it?

[moglow]

*He's* not coping.   Like everyone in the world doesn't have their own stuff? You'd think a parent would at least freakin notice, offer a modicum 9f support or compassion. But he has to cancel your bday gift. What has one to do with the other. 

Fine, so don't talk to him about your life- if at all. Call and text mom. They complain? Well he doesn't want to hear my stuff and I don't have brain for his too. I'm on overload here. Keep it short and sweet, limit with him as much as humanly. 

That's my best suggestion - limit your exposure. 

[Rose1]

I agree with Moglow. Limit as much as possible. It is difficult enough dealing with your child's issues and coming to terms with it without a parent sniping on the sidelines. This is upsetting and also likely to have you second guessing yourself. Plus it sucks the energy you need to support your child and to support yourself.

Been there. And it didn't get any better as my d got older.
If you can compartmentalise maybe that can help. Text your mother and then go on dealing with your own problems. Any response from her is in a different bucket and has nothing to do with your life, much like an annoying mosquito buzzing. It does what it does and is not relevant to your situation. It's just noise.
Take care

[monamurre]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It sounds incredibly stressful!

I am responding specifically to answer your second question....does your dad deserve a pass, given his traumatic life experiences. My answer is N-O, NO!!!! I don't think I can put enough emphasis on this. Nobody has the right to make your life harder because of their (previous) life experiences....full stop. The only slight exception I can see to that rule is a minor child who is dependent on you.

My mom was a waif/hermit variety of BPD (undiagnosed or treated of course) and melted into a pathetic puddle of rage anytime she perceived criticism. And I say "perceived" here because it really did get to a point where you couldn't say something as simple as, "I think the chicken needs 10 more minutes in the oven", without setting her into a pity rage. Now, mom had the full subscription to childhood trauma...so I too struggled with my responsibility towards our relationship. What finally shook me out of it was realizing she had spend 50+ years doing absolutely nothing to heal herself, despite having the opportunities. She had made space between herself and her family, she was single most of that time and living on her own...but still no progress. Not even an apology for a single episode of raging at me.

You didn't mention how your parents reacted to you being in the ER, or if they even knew. I am here to tell you that in a healthy family, that is a time where you would be able to lean on your parents.  While they may not be physically capable of flying in to help with things, they would be asking how they can help....not making it worse by cancelling your birthday present....what did you dad even mean "he's not coping?" coping with what? Himself?!? GRRRR!

I didn't quite go no contact with my mom but once I realized the PD part of the puzzle, and because her behavior was getting more extreme, I went VVVLC contact with her the last year of her life. She then pretty much discarded me for the last 6 months of her life. Yes, there was grief, but it was more about the way she had damaged me during our years of interaction, and about the reality of how crappy it is to not have the supportive parent I deserved (and you deserve too). Its a raw deal to get a parent like this, and grief is the appropriate response.

I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to preserve your sanity so you can be strong for your kids and healthy for yourself. You can't change your parents, and you don't owe them anything.

[anonhand]

Thank you all so much for your responses, every single word of all three so far has been so validating and helpful to me.
The "I'm not coping" is a bit of a catch phrase of my Dad's. I think he meant was wasn't coping after my reply to his text wounded him so much, I guess he was expecting "wow Dad your interpretation is so smart, thank you so much for your inciteful and superior observations". Anything else has sent him into a pity party.

[moglow]

It's not your responsibility to manage life so he can cope. He's a grown person and needs to figure that out for himself, just like everyone else in the world. I know he expects everyone to be what he thinks he needs but that's not realistic. 

He forgets he's also a parent, and a grandparent. Forgive me if I happen to believe their responsibilities started there, not with us parenting them. 

[daughter]

Hiya!  I was a regular poster during my early years of NC, now mostly read posts.

I've son w/autism, NPD enmeshed parents, and one "princess" nsis, and was myself both "good daughter/SG". Yup. 

I chose NC in my mid-50s, well aware of real harm done to me, my kids, and my marriage. I've not regretted my NC decision ever, now decade-long.  Only wish I did so sooner.

I didn't announce decision, simply stopped calling, nparents and nsis merely short drive away from our home. Just stopped initiating calls; only ndad tried to call, only to scream at me before I blocked him.  No efforts for reconciliation; I was discarded as soon as I was no longer useful. No risk of running into them, but they continually tried to manipulate my son (w/ASP) in their contact w/him, which is self-seemingly cruel of them to do to their own grandson. Can't forgive them for hurt they've inflicted on HIM.

You've no obligation to self-sacrifice your well being for your parents contentment. Took me years to grasp this.

Your 1st obligation is well-being of your own family, kids and marriage. Disabled kids are very tough situation for us, so our parents MUST get less priority, and if badly-behaved, put in "time-out" MC, or even NC.

I've posted examples of my parents terrible self-entitled hurtful and plain mean behavior. I was indoctrinated to "put up and shut up", to think that I had "no right to feelings", etc. Seems unbelievable now that I think that was all okay, all part of being a "good daughter".

[Penny Lane]

I want to put in a plug here for the toolbox and particularly grey rock/medium chill.

It's totally reasonable to go NC! If that is the right path for you, do that and ignore this.

If you're not ready for that, consider limiting the information you give your dad. This is sad, it means you probably won't get your mom's support either. But it will protect you from nasty texts about things you are sensitive about.

This means not telling your parents about things like an autism diagnosis. In fact not discussing your son's health at all. If they ask you say he's fine, or give a vague answer. Maybe you tell them about it long after the fact, once you've processed your feelings about it.

If your dad sends another nastygram, respond minimally or even not at all.

And so on.

Again - I'm not suggesting you NOT go no contact. I think that would be a totally reasonable thing to do, given how he treats you. But if you do choose to limit contact rather that completely cut it off, these tools can help it work for you.

[anonhand]

Thank you all for your responses!

A small update. I sent my Dad a couple of father's day gifts with a brief message. As a said, I'm still deciding whether to go NC so I wasn't ready to burn bridges. He sent a long email back with a message of thanks - the content all about himself, no questions about how I am and no acknowledgement of the news from my family that originally sparked all this, let alone not speaking to me for 3 months and cancelling my birthday gift.
He also said that he had spent father's day feeling sad, wishing that "we had better communication". I mean... really? "Better" being that I am silent and he knows nothing about my life, it's all about him and I shut up. I'm tempted to reply to that piece, but I'd be beating my head against a wall.

[moglow]

He also said that he had spent father's day feeling sad, wishing that "we had better communication". I mean... really? "Better" being that I am silent and he knows nothing about my life, it's all about him and I shut up. I'm tempted to reply to that piece, but I'd be beating my head against a wall.

Stunning that there's no recognition of how communication works both ways. It's not all outgoing or incoming, but shared. I've heard similar from my mother in years past, asking me what can we do to fix our relationship, what'll it take. Not a whit of self reflection, I'm just expected to tow her line and make it all better for her. Truth be told, it all fell apart really hard when I stepped up for myself and stepped away from her treatment of me. You want to be an ass, mother, do that. Own it. The days of blaming little kids are OVER.

If you've reached adulthood and he knows nothing about your life, seems to care even less, is ALL on him.

[anonhand]

Hi all. I have another update and could use some advice.

I haven't had a phone call or video call with either of my parents in 3 months now. I've managed to separate my texts with my (enabling) Mum from the group chat.

I've asked my Mum twice now if she can respect my privacy if I share private information with her and keep it private from NPD Dad (and that if I want him to know things, I'll tell him directly). She has kept the conversation going but completely ignored those pieces. So I still feel stonewalled from both of them. I even told her that my son had another diagnosis but I feel like I can't share things with her (beyond weather level news) without knowing that this boundary is in place. She hasn't asked more about it.

It feels so cold. Would you call her out on this and say, is it yes or no? Or take this as your answer - she isn't interested in emotionally intimacy with me or being there to support me. It's confusing as she has booked a trip independently to visit us, so I take this as caring.

[moglow]

My guess is, she knows she might tell him (whether to appease him or by accident) and doesn't want to corner herself. If she doesn't address yes or no there's possibility of "oh im do sorry-I didn't see/say that!" Personally I'd guard what I shared with her, not put her in a position where she's making that choice.

[Leonor]

 

I understand the longing to share with your mom your experiences as a mother - especially when your child is struggling or suffering. Sometimes being a mom is when I miss my own mom the most!

But your mom has made it clear that she is first and foremost her husband's wife. If they were healthy people, this would be a good thing in their older age, as their children grow into full adulthood, partnership, and parenting themselves. And perhaps it would be unfair to expect anything otherwise from her ... After all, this is her marriage to her life partner. Rather than wonder if she is trustworthy enough to keep a confidence of yours, ask if it's fair to ask her to keep a secret from her husband?

I'm sorry that she cannot be a safe place for you to land as you navigate the challenges facing your son. Maybe you'll find deeper empathy and wisdom from support groups for moms of neurodivergent children?

[anonhand]

Thank you for your latest advice, I'm so grateful for this community for taking the time to respond.

I think you are both correct in your interpretation of my Mum's silence on this matter. I do totally appreciate that I'm putting her in a difficult position and that I can't force her to agree to this boundary, I can only state my needs and I'd at least like an acknowledgement. From there, I can decide how I move forward. I do expect it to be a no and then I'll have to go low contact with them both.

It's actually more serious than having a neurodivergent kid (which can obviously be very serious in itself). My son had an MRI recently and another two diagnoses that my parents don't know about. When my Mum visits, it's going to be very obvious that he is more disabled than they realize. I'm not putting details here to try to keep some anonymity. But I don't think I can hide his disabilities, I guess I'll have to either cancel the visit or just say at the time that I can't offer details. Ridiculous and painful...

As my Mum was also a parent of a disabled child and I have always found her a good sounding board before, I do feel quite desperate not to lose this support during this tough time. But I feel like I have no choice but to all but lose both parents to maintain my sanity with these challenges ahead because I cannot continue sharing personal information with my Dad and being undermined and hurt.

The realization that it's time to draw a line is really tough and I felt like I had to at least try and have this conversation with my Mum, so I felt like I've tried everything and had an open dialogue before going low contact. I imagine I will end up having to go no contact with my Dad and that is also painful, but losing my Mum (on top of trying to come to terms with my son's health) is devastating too and really a bit more than I can bear.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to chip in here, it really has kept me going. I also have a very good therapist.