Daughter in trouble

[notrightinthehead]

My daughter grew up in a home with a meek, co-dependent mother and her explosive NPD father. She also had a grandmother with uNPD and one with uBPD (mine). So she had a difficult start. When she was little her over the top emotions were difficult for me as they reminded me so much of my own mother and made me anxious. She had a relatively normal start into adulthood, university, then work - but right after university she began to look for something else, no longer happy with the field she herself had chosen. She applied for other fields of study, every time with lots of effort, preparation for exams, travel,etc. but in vain. Then she found some work in interior design which she liked for a while. She moved to another country and worked there. Then she changed companies, and again, and again. The last company she did not get along with her boss. Knowing my daughter, I imagine she is high maintenance, needs a lot of praise, does not take criticism well, and is quite forceful in expressing her opinion.
She broke up with her boyfriend, who had a lot of similarities with her father, which I never noticed when he was around. But according to her he treated her badly. When I saw the two together, it was mostly her being angry, complaining, criticizing him. But be that as it may. I choose to believe her. And she moved back in with me. Now, as much as I love her and love having her around, she is difficult to live with. She is messy. She uses a lot of space. She clutters up every empty surface with her stuff. When I move it aside, I am called 'passive aggressive'. The household chores have tripled, if not quadrupled. Endless washing, endless dishes, endless cleaning, vacuuming. Sometimes I get so exhausted and sometimes I am so angry that I have hardly any time for myself anymore.
Since she has been living with me, she has applied for a few jobs but nothing has come of it. I suspect her salary demands were too high and she came accross as a little bit arrogant. But I dare not say this to her, because she would accuse me of raining on her parade and putting her down, undermining her confidence. She also has applied for two courses at university, the one she was rejected and the other, a masters in her original field, still pending, depending if her essay is good enough. And she applied for a bursary to do courses in the IT field. They made her jump through several hoops, which she did full of hope, and now finally rejected her. She was in tears. She feels like the whole world is against her. That she is rejected by everybody.That everybody perceives her as worthless. That she will never amount to anything.
Usually when she is in such a state she turns against me, against her upbringing, that I never supported her, never protected her against her father, role modelled unhealthy behaviour. At the moment she cannot do this because I am not at home. I had a serious health scare and am recovering elsewhere.
We spoke on the phone and I validated her feelings, comforted her, encouraged her. I do not want to tell her that she does everything right and it's their loss, that would not be honest. I want to encourage her to learn what she wants to by going to the library. Attending courses. Getting into the field. I want to encourage her to apply for jobs, and be a little bit humble in the interview. But I try not to tell her how to lead her life. I don't know better than her. And she will have to pay the price for her decisions anyway.
I feel so lost. I feel I have failed as a mother. I have created a child who feels entitled and has a high opinion of herself but cannot control her feelings and believes that how she feels is the truth.

I simply don't know what to do. I would so love to help her find a job that interests her and makes her feel content with herself. At the moment all I do is send emothional support.

Maybe anybody here has some experience and can give me advice?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs, NRITH. I pray your health recovers! I'm glad you have a little space right now, it sounds like a lot of stress with your daughter.

I don't have experience with adult children yet, but fit your daughter's description of being raised with an explosive PD father, codependent mother, and PD grandparents.

It's not an excuse.

You are generous to have your daughter live with you, but in your home you set the standards for cleanliness. Your daughter may have a point about your moving her stuff and being afraid to talk about it being passive-aggressive. A lot of fear and guilt come through your words. You are worried you created this entitlement in her, but you now have an opportunity to "change the steps to the dance," and begin responding to her as an equal adult. You are entitled to be at peace in your own home. The physical environment is a reflection of who is taking up the emotional energy too in my opinion. You are not responsible to find her a job to make her feel happy with herself. I doubt a job could do that anyway.

What you CAN offer is sincere apology for your part in allowing the unhealthy behavior of her childhood, and the disservice your lack of boundaries has done. And you can learn boundaries and start modeling a healthier way of interacting as adults. This is hard and your daughter does sound immature. So chances are she would not altogether like this. But for your own sanity and sustainable relationship this seems a needed change from the outside.

Again, you seem to be afraid to express your true thoughts and feelings to your daughter on several topics in her life that you instead shared here. Sometimes it is in fact prudent to bite your tongue, but is she really incapable of receiving negative feedback? If so that is very much to her detriment. Would you maybe look for a good opportunity, a baby step? A managerial technique my husband uses at work is asking, "Would you be open to hearing some feedback?" when someone is discussing a problem. And then limiting his criticisms to one thing at that time. It works well for him and I've found it effective personally too. I've blown it here and gave you more criticisms than that but I really hope it helps. I don't doubt that you are already offering lots of emotional support and empathy.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you so much Cordelia for your kind reply.
The apoplgizing I have done numerous times, because I really, truly feel sorry for how I used to be, allowing my NPDh to become ever more powerful and domineering in the family. She also uses my guilty conscience to get me to do her bidding.
And yes, you are right, I try to implement healthy boundaries, it's just such an uphill battle. Every time things go wrong in her life, it's like we are backto square one.
I will go back to boundary setting and non violent communication when I get home. And will try your and your husband's method of one criticism at a time.
Thanks again

[Call Me Cordelia]

The apoplgizing I have done numerous times, because I really, truly feel sorry for how I used to be, allowing my NPDh to become ever more powerful and domineering in the family. She also uses my guilty conscience to get me to do her bidding.
And yes, you are right, I try to implement healthy boundaries, it's just such an uphill battle.

Wow, I think you summed it up right here. You are sorry for poor boundaries, and the best apology is changed behavior. It is an uphill battle, especially when there are still parts of that old familiar dance that feel like they work for you both. I'm actually a little bit excited for you though, as much of a challenge as navigating this relationship surely is and will be. With your daughter so intimately in your life, you almost have a personal trainer! You will know immediately when you stop honoring your boundaries and you will get right back on track.

[xredshoesx]

notright I hope you are on a path to a quick recovery and glad you have taken some space for yourself during this transitional time for you both.

here's a different perspective.  both you and I have difficult circumstances of birth as part of our lifes' story- our parents were the way we were and at some point we both made choices to not be the way we were raised to be and found new ways to respond and react to situations.  you have done a HUGE amount of work to get to the point you are at and I feel like you discredit yourself when you blame yourself for the way your daughter continues to choose to act/ react because at some point she has to come to that space/place that she can;t keep blaming you and her father or her grandparents for the choices she continues to make as an adult.

she is fortunate to have you as a safe space to land and relaunch herself.   that is a gift and I agree that with time and better boundaries, you both can experience a huge step forward as you transition to being adults living in each other's space vs a parent/ child living together.

[SonofThunder]

Hi NRITH,

Sorry you are having to deal with the push-pull of your adult daughter's emotions and habits.  You wrote:

"She is messy. She uses a lot of space. She clutters up every empty surface with her stuff. When I move it aside, I am called 'passive aggressive'. The household chores have tripled, if not quadrupled. Endless washing, endless dishes, endless cleaning, vacuuming. Sometimes I get so exhausted and sometimes I am so angry that I have hardly any time for myself anymore."

You also wrote:

"Now, as much as I love her and love having her around, she is difficult to live with."

Those two quotes above do not mention anything about difficult relationships which you/she has endured, but rather, current living conditions and assumptions on her part, possibly driven from your willingness to 'do'.  Since you both are adults and it does not read you are charging her rent, that lack of rent alone is a h-u-g-e act of love and charity on your part and frankly enough all on its own. 

But, it seems she is getting free rent and an assumed servant. I believe all you have to do is drop the servanthood part, and only serve yourself, because free rent is a tremendous gift for any adult. 

1. She is messy: how about an open conversation that you desire to live in non-messy environments, you pay 100% of the coats to own/rent the home and since your tastes are different than hers, then you can define certain space(s) of the home which are private to each of you and all others are shared.  Shared spaces will not be messy and NRITH's private spaces will not be messy.  Her private space(s) can be as messy as she desires, as long as its not unsanitary.  You do not clean up her private space(s) and any items left unattended in shared spaces will be moved to her private space(s). Her items are not to be in your private spaces and likewise with your items in her spaces.  Thats not passive aggressive, but wide open communication & fully understood rules. 

2. Household chores (can include 3-6 below) Make a even-numbered list and put on the fridge.  Tell her to put her name next to half of the items and you will take the other half.  You will not do her chores and likewise with her. Tell her if she fails to do her chosen half completely each week, you will start charging her rent for your time. If she does all her half each week, she lives rent free. 

3. Washing (You wash only your items and she washes hers)

4. Cleaning (divide cleaning the shared spaces and each of you clean your own private spaces)

5. Dishes (You wash only your items and she washes hers)

6. Vacuuming (same as #4)

Maybe you can separate in your mind, the two quotes above from your other writing. The other parts you wrote about can be your understanding from your motherhood perspective, but those two quotes and 1-6 from a purely housemate perspective and fully convey that housemate/daughter separation to her, as an adult to an adult.  You can then be fully supportive of her in the mother/daughter role, and also have strict guidelines agreed between you, regarding the housemate expectations and requirements. 

Wishing you two the best,

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Oh, NRITH, I'm so sorry you're faced with a major health issue.  Prayers for you.  Is there a way for you to detach at all from the heavy worry about your daughter while you convalesce?  Maybe a kind of one-day-at-a-time, live-in-the-day approach?  I believe you've said you are connected with one or more 12 Step groups.  Can you get support from them or others to help you feel held during this time?   It seems like a good time for extra TLC from those who can give it as well as towards yourself.  This is a big deal you're going through.  You deserve lots of care from others and kindness toward yourself.

So many of us have troubled adult children who are having a hard time maturing emotionally and dealing with the world.  It seems very prevalent these days, as does the growing attitude of entitlement.  You made amends to your daughter before.  I've done that with my kids, too.  I think there's a time to move on from that (unless something new presents) and get off the guilt train.  I believe my relationships with them are better now that I've let enough be enough of that.

We all have different relationships with our kids. I almost never offer feedback to my adult kids.  Boundaries when appropriate, which are about me, but not suggestions or advice unless it's solicited or an emergency.  It seems clear to me they don't want to know what Mom thinks they need to do about almost anything.  I try to show them the respect I do other adults in my life and then they seem to feel more inclined to ask my opinion on occasion (though not often).  I figure they're adults now and have a right to choose their own path. Your family may be different.  That's what seems to work for us.

One thing I did once, when faced with something like what you're going to go home to, is to make a stipulation that if we're going to live together, we will go to a family counselor together.  I found it can help to have a trained, objective person to mediate. even if it's only occasionally.

Let us know how you're doing.  You'll be in my prayers.  ❤️❤️❤️

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, thanks, SoT for your suggestions. They make a lot of sense to me. I have tried similar things before, they work for a while, then she pushes and pushes. But I will have to think of consequences and your suggestion of charging rent should have a lot of power. So when I get back home, I will have a talk. This is hard for me, as I wish for harmony and warmth between us, and my reluctance to have conflict brought me to where I am now. I will just have to be brave and use the tools.

Redshoes, I agree with you, once we leave the parental home, we make our own choices. And we can't keep blaming our parents for it, if they don't work out. However convenient it may be to have an eternal bad guy.

Looking2befree, I agree it's not my place to tell her what I think she should do. If it was another adult, I would not say anything. But it's hard for me to watch her setting herself up for dissapointment. Imagine a high school leaver applying for a job as university professor - with another adult I would smile to myself and shake my head at the optimistic outlook. With her, I try to brind her back to reality as I see it. Because I know how devastated she will be when it doesn't work out. But I might have to learn to let her fall, how many times she will need to do until she learns.

Thank you all for your kind support. I am so grateful for this forum and for the wisdom here.

[SonofThunder]

Surely NRITH!

You wrote:

"This is hard for me, as I wish for harmony and warmth between us, and my reluctance to have conflict brought me to where I am now. I will just have to be brave and use the tools."

First, she may "pushes and pushes" but shes now an adult, not a child. I want to suggest a mindset for you in designing and upholding the very specific tools.

Without law, there is chaos, therefore it is adherence to the law that brings "harmony". If your daughter gets pulled over by the police, I would assume she does not "pushes and pushes" on the officer because their job is to be all business and fair yet strictly uphold the laws in order to preserve order, and she knows it.  My opinion is your daughter only "pushes" with you because she has learned she can, yet she wont push on an officer. Luckily that problem is easily resolved if my opinion is true, because the only person that has to change is you!

Therefore, understanding that her "pushes" creates disharmony and coldness in your relationship as she breaks the 'laws' of your home, then it's actually your daughter who is to blame for there not being "harmony and warmth".  Therefore also, setting very detailed and fully conveyed rules plus you being all business in your mindset to uphold the rules (like an officer doing his/her job), is proactiveness on your part toward "harmony and warmth".  When laws are upheld, peace exists. 

Try and look at the detailed rules as a huge positive, regardless of her reaction, knowing that to let them slide, you are promoting the chaos just as much as she may do by pushing against the rules you decide for YOUR home. 

Wishing you the best and a purely dispassionate attitude toward upholding the rules, yet a passionate desire for harmony and warmth.  You ARE brave and can 100% do this, because its a GOOD thing!

SoT

[bloomie]

notrightinthehead - just catching up with this and wising you swift healing and rest!

This is hard for me, as I wish for harmony and warmth between us, and my reluctance to have conflict brought me to where I am now. I will just have to be brave and use the tools.

One thing I know for sure... the very best way to position yourself and your dd for the relationship you wish for is to decide what does and does not work for you in your home with anybody who is sharing that space, but specifically with your dd, and communicate clearly, calmly, confidently what the lines and limits are and what you are willing to do and not do.

Not communicating and following through on your boundaries, living with a grown adult child who is heaping work and mess onto you is a sure way for resentment to grow and possibly create a stumbling block to your dd's learning to grow emotionally and take responsibility for her choices.

You are already courageous and have shown keen insights and depth of character in your personal growth and willingness to change what you can and make amends where and how you can. I agree with others, it may be time to lay down the guilt and regrets of the past and embrace the worthy life you have built for yourself and your dd.

If those regrets are making important decisions for you in your relationship with your dd it might be time to break up with them...

I sense it might be fear of losing connection with your dd or hurting her in some way if you stop over performing in the home? Requiring a grown woman clean up her stuff and contribute to the chores is what love looks like. That is what healthy, loving mothers and daughters do when something isn't working. They talk about it and work through it even when it is hard and scary. You are showing her what emotionally mature, caring family members do. And that is a huge gift to both of you.

Sending you strength!!! Let us know how you are as you are able!