Navigating friendships

[Breadroll]

Reflecting on friendships at the moment, and recognising i have blind spots- a Patrick teahan video was super helpful here.
Another Out of the FOG member pointed me to the podcast called Crappy friends - thank you! It's both funny and helpful.

I value friendships - and have some very long term friends- but recently have had some uncomfortable réalisations. Firstly, a very uncomfortable and costly visit to much valued friend in another city ( lesson learned). I made efforts to repair by phone- that friend has enormous issues to contend with - and I love her- but I will never visit again.  Grieving a bit. Thank you to Out of the FOG members who replied on my thread about that- I was so shaken by it, and the feedback was so helpful.


And a more local friend who has " queen bee" qualities-  speaks " down" to me, but it's subtle. Her family is functional, and she - perhaps unconsciously- seems to enjoy the social order, in which she " wins". She is s very good person in many ways with s large social circle and does  " good deeds".  She said really insensitive things about a separated woman's husband who was behaving terribly - basically empathetic to him. I think it is because she has no experience of this dysfunctional stuff, or what it could be like to have no support. I was shocked and said so -but she behaved as though she was right despite the feedback.
I mentioned to her that was travelling out of state to join other friends for an activity- and her comment was " oh you are so lucky they invited you ". It's so subtle - but not a nice comment like " that sounds like fun!" . As a single person, any vacation - unless alone- will be with friends.

I have certain boundaries, and calibrate a bit better- in the sense of reducing interaction - still being kind- but I still end up feeling rather hurt- and  need work on this more.
With queen bee, for the first time, I did not offer a lift to when it was implied in conversation. She has other friends who can step in.Tiny steps.

I have a handful of other, lighter friendships- which am grateful for -maybe that's the trick - not too deep.
but currently feel as though I need to readjust myself -am I expecting too much of friendships?
Need not to close down too much.

Work in progress I guess😎
How do you all manage?

[NarcKiddo]

How do I manage? By not having friends. I don't trust anyone and avoid getting close. Plus I hold people to impossible standards of perfection.

I discuss this with my therapist from time to time. She tries to tell me that my life would be much richer for some friendships, but I struggle with the concept of "good enough". If an acquaintance makes a mistake I find it easier to drop them altogether rather than try to work out the problem and move forward. If I make a mistake I find it easier to drop them altogether before they can punish me or take revenge (my fear - they probably wouldn't), rather than try to work out the problem and move forward.

So, yeah. I am probably not the best person to ask. 

[Jolie40]

I'm an introvert so throughout life, I've mostly had one good friend at a time:
childhood friend until we moved across country
high school friend until she married & moved
work friend until she had kids & got too busy
next door neighbor friend many years older but she passed away

sadly, I haven't found a friend to replace next door neighbor

some really nice neighbors moved in last year
she had a baby recently & is super busy (works from home, too)
these neighbors are the nicest neighbors I have ever met in my life!
hopefully we can connect more as her baby gets older

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm 2 years Out of the FOG and repairing friendships and finding new ones has been my goal.

One of my closest friends has many  narcissistic traits which I was able to see more clearly during my own recovery from my abusive marriage.

So, I did decide to keep the friendship and accept her faults, value what I enjoy, and have clear boundaries.

I'm making new friends and taking time to do so.  I'm able to recognize people that I can see that I may be able to have a meaningful connections with and others, not so much.  One woman I met, I was drawn to her high energy, her future plans, the people that surround her...and then....I saw that she probably has some narcissistic traits- which was why I might have been so drawn to her so quickly.  I have that "kind of friend" already, so I don't make the time to see her.  When I do, I enjoy her company.

I'm making friendships around my interests - golf, work, hiking.  It's not easily as I'm an "older" adult    but the effort is worth it.

One friend of mine that has cancer, shared that she tries to say YES to as many social invites as she can.  I follow her advice and I say YES almost all the time now.  When I was in the fog, I felt like I couldn't do anything, I was so trapped.  Not now.

I have a very small family, so I feel like I need/want more friendships in my life.  I don't work during the summer, so if I go more than 2 days without time with friends, I feel lonely.  I do like being by myself and I will be active alone, but I need a balance.

I have zero interest in a romantic relationship at this time.  I do know that when/if I'm ready, I want a fuller life so that my next relationship can be a healthy one.

Lastly, I think some people may look at me and think that I'm okay.  However, they don't realize the amount of time I spend by myself, it can be hard. However, I know now that I can continue to work on a life that is more fulfilling - with more meaningful connections.  So far, it's working.  As compared to last year, I'm making great progress

[Breadroll]

Jolie Your new neighbors sound lovely. Be nice to hear children playing when baby gets older.


Plantflowers - parallel your thoughts on when people look at me, they think I am ok- and mostly that's true. I was completely put off romantic partnerships after some dating attempts.  When lonely I sometimes reflect on awful marriage to xnpdh - so relieved and grateful to be out- and that somehow gets rid of the lonely feeling. Not sure how healthy this is as a technique!


Hugs to narckiddo- light connections? Sometimes just that familiar face in the street and a hello. No expectations.

[notrightinthehead]

When I separated from my NPDh, 5 years ago, I moved to another country. I had no family, no friends here. I worked from home. Even though I am shy and comfortable being on my own, I was so lonely it hurt me physically. I like to make rules for myself and I made the rule that I must have at least one 10 minutes long social interaction with a human being in real life every day. A chat with a stranger at the check-out counted.

Over time I went to CoDA meetings, I volunteered at a shelter, I joined a bridge club, I joined local organizations that attempt to improve the life in our community. I joined a fitness club. Everywhere I met people, had little chats. When asked questions, I was honest but brief.  Then I went home to an empty house.

Then a friend from another city sent me one of her students, who needed to spend some time in my town and couldn't find affordable accommodation. So I lived with a young woman for a year. She is younger than my daughters and alone in a foreign country, so she discussed a lot of her difficulties with me. It was nice and such a learning experience.

What I have learned about myself- I used to worry if others liked me, and did not pay heed to the fact that I often don't like others all that much. I don't like opinionated people who have all the answers before I even finished my story. I don't like people who boast with their popularity, wealth, or achievements. I don't like people who are whiny and feel they aren't getting their due.

I like people who share my interests or introduce me to new ones. I like people I can make jokes with and who are willing to laugh about themselves. I like people who are willing to let me finish my sentences and show an interest in what I have said. I like people who contact me too and don't just respond when I contact them.

Taken these criteria I have begun to only contact people who meet them  and not initiate contact with those who don't.
I live with two adorable dogs now, so I am no longer alone at home. I have acquaintances I have contact with regularly. I am still on the lookout for a "best friend" , it would be so lovely to have one, but I am picky. And I know that my life is ok, even without.

So Breadroll, sounds like you are on a good path. You had a painful learning experience with a friend. You are reflecting on your requirements for friendships. You admit to yourself that you are not satisfied with the friends you have. This is the best starting point to slowly expand the area where you go fishing for friends and at the same time increase the mesh size, so that all those time waster small fishes don't even land in your net.

[Kat54]

I have a lot of "fair weather friends" close friends, two, and then my sisters who I'm very close with.

When my ex and I separated and then divorced most of those "fair weather friends" I knew were either never going to even acknowledge me or you would get that uncomfortable exchange. Move on not worth it.
I like people but unfortunately I'm too trusting and think the best of people. I don't have it in me to treat someone badly and make me feel unwelcome. I've been burned pretty bad from some so I now spend less and less time in my old hometown where my ex and kids reside. It's too hard.

[Pepin]

Sadly, I am coming to the realization that my "triangle" friend group is becoming more than I can continue to handle.  Became friends with one of them many years ago.  We are close but also not that close.  As our kids have grown older we've gone in different directions and it is clear that we have differing opinions now about our adult children.  My friend as she ages has become a little too conservative for my taste.  I'm just going to let this one fizzle out slowly....because I'm kind of done.  And her husband has been giving off some off vibes lately - he's an introvert (so am I) but his level of introversion is down right uncomfortable for me. 

The other friend that joined as the third, just kind of attached herself like some kind of uh whale barnacle.  Most of the time she means well but then other times can be stressssssssssssful when she brings up stuff going on at home.  She's also pretty conservative and over the years I've realized that she is downright manipulative and controlling.  I know what NOT to bring up in her presence.  She is a downright attention seeker and always plays the pity/waif card which quietly drives me crazy.  And she can be so clueless....I'm literally like Google It (I say this in my head) with some of the questions she asks about stuff.  I seriously don't know how she has made it this far. 

Ugh.  I'd love to have some peeps that are more chill than the two mentioned above.  And who also enjoy similar things as me.  I'm often amazed at how MANY people I know -- but none of them seem to make me want to get to know them more or spend time with them.  My town is 30K.  You figure there'd be someone else I could hang with...but, I'm actually tired of looking, too.  The only way out of this quite frankly is to move.  Wherever we move to next, I hope and pray for kind neighbors that I can be friends with. -- and DH, too.  I think we could both benefit from having people close in proximity who like what we like.  We like to travel, take care of our home, garden, walk our dog, go to restaurants, fun day trips, etc.  Just trying to enjoy the time we have left before we are too old...

[Breadroll]

Whale barnacle 😂. That might be a new " special phrase " ... instantly describes certain people!

People here have such a great turn of phrase- it's a great tension reliever to laugh.

On the friendship issue, I think I have overestimated- by a fair margin - or simply been " off the mark"" about  some relationships.   

am making a renewed effort to be s bit more social and widen the circle a bit - so I don't get too hermit like.

Also - there's an odd old phrase saying not to talk about your misfortunes - as people might actually enjoy it, or they don't care- or it gives them permission to do the same.  Kernel of truth in there .....

[1footouttadefog]

I live in a small town area also.  After moving here I had a decent friend group but then suddenly everyone seeming died, moved, or went from single to dating or married to dating and the men in their lives dominated their time. 

I wanted to start some new friendships  so I attended some meetup groups.  Some in nearby cities.  I met some cool folks and now have a friend group some of whom live in other bordering states.   One group are women I camp and hike and such things with.  We have weekly group calls.  It's a large enough group so it's okay if you don't attend every call. We have many opportunities to get together socially or to participate in an activity.  Sometimes a subset of us who know each other a tad better, will get to get her virtually later in the evening while drinking wine or eating ice cream or cereal while wearing our jammies in messenger app.  It's like hanging out at a sleepover for an hour or so.  We laugh, share our concerns, gripe about the news or our husbands or work or whatever, and then talk about movies or books or music or what we saw on vacation or what we ate on a day trip and all that sort of thing. If someone initiates a call we all try to jump on if even for just a few minutes because it might be someone just needing some support of going through a rough time.   

[Pepin]

Whale barnacle 😂. That might be a new " special phrase " ... instantly describes certain people!

People here have such a great turn of phrase- it's a great tension reliever to laugh.

On the friendship issue, I think I have overestimated- by a fair margin - or simply been " off the mark"" about  some relationships.   

am making a renewed effort to be s bit more social and widen the circle a bit - so I don't get too hermit like.

Also - there's an odd old phrase saying not to talk about your misfortunes - as people might actually enjoy it, or they don't care- or it gives them permission to do the same.  Kernel of truth in there .....

Heh.....glad I made you smile.  I was sitting at the computer thinking how can I describe this friend and whale barnacle just popped into my head for whatever reason...! 

And yeah....I get what you are saying about the kernel of wisdom.  While I do share my own misfortunes sometimes, I do have to be careful with what I share considering that it would highlight DH's role in the CN MIL drama that I dealt with.  While the issues were mine alone to deal with around CN MIL, DH really didn't do much in the way of boundary setting with her.  He knew what she was capable of and he wasn't going to "misbehave".  Hence, I was thrown under the bus.